RETREAT COMEDY

(THE FUNERAL) Welcome back to the Kathleen O'Mara Arts Residency. Sadly, we find ourselves at a funeral. Irish celebrity DAMIEN MCKAGAN is back, narrating live at the funeral of NORA O'LEARY, the late cook of the residency. A.R.S.E. rep & poet, resident MARY WARD steps up to the altar to read from her new poetry collection ... much to the groans and chagrin of all the mourners. Former resident artist AGNES DE LAMBALLE is unconsolable (but looks fab in her ironing board mourning hat). New heiress/ director TERESA BLACK, (the former maid) is sad but clearly getting used to her new status. During the funeral, Damien has no qualms about asking for retakes being an ambitious director-auteur now. The director-auteur demands excellence from the funeral attendees. New resident WENDELL O'SHAUGHNESSY (a young American Irish dance champion) has been recruited to perform altar-boy duties. He takes genuflecting to a new dimension. New resident, FATHER SEAMUS (writing his prison chaplaincy memoirs) has left his writing room and cigarettes to officiate the mass. Unbeknownst to the others, except the priest... MALACHY MCCOURT is out of prison and up to no good again. A late comer enters. Could it be? Yes. Bling-bling resident, superstar DJ MERCURY arrives and takes on the father, the son and the holy spirit. She's recovering from bad press and hot on the trail of LiIL PETE MOSS-- the mysterious, masked, bad-boy heartthrob Tiktokker to rebrand her sinking career. Teresa fan girls DJ Mercury. And she's not the only one. But Father Seamus is having none of this. New resident, HAB (Husband and Boyfriend) JONATHAN, is writing a self-help book on relationships and is here for all the juicy, celebrity gossip, diet and beauty tips. Stage-Mom and entertainment agent/manager JOCELYN finds her son Wendell on the altar... much to his despair. She tries to get him back to the dance studio to finesse his triple-axel triple slip jigs. But Father Seamus is having none of this. LATER IN THE GRAVEYARD... Mary has agreed to replace Nora in the kitchen much to the chagrin of the mourners. UNA (the disheveled owner of the B & B who lives with Agnes) is found napping in Nora's new grave. Audio artist, stoat ecologist, and former resident GUNTER warns of a flood swamping the grounds. Teresa is glad to see him again. After the burial, Damien shows his rushes from the documentary and they discover Malachy in the background of the burial site grasping his ol' shovel once again. He's back from his time in prison for murdering Teresa's parents. Gunter hits the jackpot when he zooms in to spot TWIN STOATS.

(CURRY CHIPS) No one is paying heed to Teresa. The residency and everything is falling apart. Beloved Nora is still dead. Mary has taken over the kitchen, trying to fill Nora's shoes but failing. Gunter is rejected when he turns up with his sonic-polisher. He's ready for his bi-monthly silver-polishing sessions with Teresa. She's too busy. It's not easy being a new heiress. After Mary's increasing demands upon her, Teresa trots off to fix the heating and gather some herbs. If only Nora was still here. Malachy is in the boiler room. He's been waiting for Teresa. He is super sorry about killing her parents et al. It was a long time ago. He thought about her in prison. Prison changes a man. Teresa reassesses. Allows him to atone for his sins by mowing the lawn. Meanwhile... Jocelyn is cleaning and managing Una at Una's filthy B&B but Una convinces her to stop. Hoarder-Tourism® is still an untapped sector in adventure tourism. Una's B&B oozes with authenticity ...and black mold. At dinner, Fr. Seamus exerts his menacing power. Jonathan, the celebrity boyfriend of a football star, rattles on with vacuous chatter about his appearance..HABS (husbands & boyfriends) and WAGS (wives & girlfriends) in football. DJ Mercury blusters, boasts and name-drops. Seamus senses her frailty. Wendall handles his domineering Mother/Manager and the other. Teresa is on the brink of hysterics. Damien continues making his documentary. Malachy's appearance lawn mowing sparks Mary's outrage. Gunter agrees because long grass is better for stoats. Teresa retorts that Malachy is, in fact, the only useful person amongst the whole lot. She's had enough of their nonsense. She offers Malachy his old job back and runs off to the chipper with him on his ride. The artists are left behind. Stunned.

(TUPAC) Mercury hits an all-time low when even L'il Pete Moss ghosts her. She is alone. Jocelyn is worried about her son who is a resident dancer. She breaks into the residency by climbing through DJ Mercury's window. Jocelyn catches Mercury red-handed hiding an illicit weed stash and hiding an illicit cat named Tupac. Jocelyn blackmails Mercury to help her check up on her son Wendell. She's worried sick. Jocelyn agrees. Mercury attends an unwanted confessional with Fr Seamus. Malachy interrupts their solace moment. Seamus throws her out. Malachy enters. Agnes escapes from Jocelyn who is sharing Una's B & B. Agnes and Mary learn about Teresa's desire to have a baby. But with whom? And in that old frock? Malachy confesses his progress on purposefully flooding the residency and the waters are rising. As planned. The two are plotting to cash in on EU land grants. Get rid of the artists. Kill Teresa. And live off Teresa's inheritance. But first Seamus needs to marry Teresa to Malachy. Malachy has a rival. Teresa would never consider Malachy, (the man who killed her father and her childhood bully) as the father of her child. Teresa has her sights set on Gunter. Seducing Gunter will be tricky. He is only interested in stoats. She needs help from her friends to do a head-to-toe makeover. Jonathan is just the man to help. Even with Jonathan's custom make-over, Gunter proves hard to seduce. Gunter identifies as an eco-abstainer (i.e.he has forgone sex for the sake of the climate). He goes off to attend to his stoats leaving Teresa heartbroken, and not even a little bit pregnant. Mercury is heartbroken. Her cat Tupac has gone missing. The waters are rising. Teresa runs into Mercury in the swamp. She convinces Teresa to be outrageous. Make Gunter jealous by stepping out with Malachy. Mercury continues her frantic search. Teresa borrows DJ Mercury's clothes and runs off to town with Malachy. (Her yellow latex jumpsuit is not just sexy-- but also waterproof & stain-resistant. Perfect for the local chipper. ) She fails to make Gunter jealous. Desperate, Teresa settles on Malachy and drags him to the shed. She wants a baby and Malachy wants her... dead.

(The Proposal) Malachy reports to Seamus in the confessional that Teresa wants a baby and that they had sex on the fertilizer bag in the shed. Seamus is not interested in the details. Malachy throws Teresa a surprise proposal party. Teresa is ambushed by a crowd of people at her door including the priest. Malachy lets them in. Jonathan and Mercury tidy up Teresa. Malachy proposes to Teresa. There is a toast. Teresa finds herself engaged. Fr Seamus can marry them soon. Seamus secretly sends Malachy to crank up the swamp. Mary's cooking is unpopular. They call for pizza. The bridge is flooded. The pizza guy can't get through. Mercury wonders if L’il Pete Moss is coming for her. Agnes dares say what they were all keeping to themselves that L'il Pete Moss was never coming. Mercury fears her career is truly over. Plus she is estranged from her family. Friends. Cat. Who can she turn to? She has nothing. The swamp enters inside the house. The waters rise quickly. Everyone scrambles for safety, except for Gunter who braves the outdoors to save his beloved stoats from drowning. Mary dashes upstairs to save her draft poems. Jocelyn comes to the rescue of Wendell, in a boat she crafted from Una's hoarded junk. Wendell won't come without his friends. They climb aboard to safety.