When Being Strong and Capable Becomes Your Prison: Learning to Soften Without Losing Your Edge with Manja Horner
What if your greatest strength is actually your prison? What if the capability everyone admires, the drive that built your success, the resilience that got you through everything, is the very thing keeping you exhausted, overwhelmed, and unable to let anything be easy?
Manja Horner learned early that she couldn't be a bother. With an older sister battling cancer and parents stretched beyond capacity, four-year-old Manja absorbed a profound lesson: be strong, be capable, never add to the burden. That pattern of over-functioning became her operating system, driving her to perfectionism, straight A's, a full-ride scholarship, and eventually a high-powered corporate career at BMO's Institute for Learning.
On the outside, Manja was killing it. Executive track. Great salary. Respect. Security. But when she was asked to pour months of her life into a project she didn't believe in, something shifted. She walked away from the comfort, the salary, the stability, because her integrity mattered more than her safety. She sold a rental property to fund her business, had three small kids, and her husband, a police officer whose core values are security and stability, watched his wife blow up their predictable life.
Fast forward to today: Manja runs a thriving learning and development company serving the skilled trades industry, she's pioneering AI applications to capture retiring tradespeople's wisdom, she's writing a book, raising three kids, doing somatic therapy, acupuncture, and EMDR to heal childhood wounds. She's accomplished, capable, and deeply successful.
And her biggest challenge? Learning that ease is safe. Learning to soften without losing her edge. Learning that she doesn't have to make everything uncomfortable just because comfort feels dangerous.
In this raw, vulnerable conversation, Manja reveals:
The hidden cost of learning "don't be a bother" as a child and how it shows up as chronic over-functioning in adulthood
Why perfectionism isn't about excellence, it's about not being judged (and how she's learning to iterate instead)
The moment she walked away from corporate security because integrity mattered more than safety, and what that cost her marriage
How being "intimidating" is often just armor for women who never learned they're allowed to take up space
Why driven, ambitious women gravitate toward discomfort because ease actually doesn't feel safe in their nervous system
The somatic reality of high-functioning freeze and what it takes to finally soften
How therapy, EMDR, and the Big Leap helped her expand her capacity for joy, ease, and contentment
Why "it is what it is" is a cop-out sentence that keeps you stuck in patterns you could actually change
What it means to be the strong, capable one everyone relies on while quietly crumbling under the weight of your own standards
The marriage work required when one partner's core value is security and the other can't stop shaking the cage
This episode is for you if you've ever:
Been told you're intimidating when you're just trying to belong
Left a room wondering if you were "too much" or took up too much space
Walked away from security because staying would have cost you your integrity
Found yourself making things harder than they need to be because ease feels unsafe
Collapsed into bed exhausted while your mind races through tomorrow's to-do list
Snapped at the people you love most after a long day of holding it together for everyone else
Wondered why you can't just relax, chill out, or enjoy the success you've built
Been praised for your strength while secretly feeling trapped by your own capability
Known you're over-functioning but can't figure out how to stop without everything falling apart
Guest Bio
Manja Horner is a learning experience strategist and trusted advisor to companies who want to transform their business with training and team procedures and processes in a seamless, digital and easy-to-implement system. As founder of Boost, she's on a mission to create amazing employee experiences and get results for leaders in the skilled trades. She helps clients in the skilled trades and construction create inspiring, enriching, and all-encompassing experiences for better employee retention, integration, and education. Manja is also the author of the forthcoming book Passing the Torch in the Trades and a former corporate learning executive at a leading financial institution who left security to build a business rooted in integrity and impact.
Find Manja on:
Instagram: @Manja_horner
LinkedIn
Boost
Ready to stop making everything harder than it needs to be?
If Manja's story landed, it's because you recognize yourself in it. You're strong, capable, the one everyone turns to. You've built something impressive. But you're exhausted. You can't remember the last time something felt easy. And the idea of softening, of allowing ease, of not carrying it all? It terrifies you because doing feels safer than being.
Here's what nobody tells you: Your strength isn't the problem. Your capability isn't the problem. The problem is that you learned a long time ago that being a burden wasn't safe, so you became the opposite. You became the rock. And now you're carrying weight that was never yours to carry.
The Congruency Audit is where we look at the gap between the success you've built on the outside and the exhaustion you're feeling on the inside. We'll identify the exact patterns keeping you stuck in over-functioning, the childhood wounds driving your need to never be a bother, and what it's going to take for you to finally create success that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.
This isn't about doing more or being better. This is about learning that ease is safe. That softening doesn't mean losing your edge. That you can be strong AND allow support. That you can be capable AND let things be easy.
Book your Congruency Audit: lisacarpenter.ca/audit
This isn't about optimizing the version of yourself you built to survive. It's about creating congruence so the life you've built doesn't just look good, it finally feels right.
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