Myopia Movies

Button eyes, a suspiciously perfect mother, and a tunnel that definitely should have been left alone. This week we riff on Henry Selick’s stop-motion nightmare-fuel masterpiece, in which a bored kid discovers that the grass is always greener in the Other World, mostly because it’s being grown by a soul-eating arachnid with a sewing hobby.

We cover the things the movie asks us to ignore: why Coraline’s parents have apparently never heard of a “work-life balance,” how the Pink Palace Apartments passed any kind of inspection, and why no adult in this film ever says “maybe don’t go into the creepy door.” We also pay tribute to the Other Father’s surprisingly catchy musical number, and to the cat, who is the only competent person in the entire cast.

Grab your key, avoid anything made of buttons, and join us for a movie that proves childhood was never as safe as we remember.

How will Coraline hold up?
Directed by: Henry Selick
Screenplay by: Henry Selick, based on the novella by Neil Gaiman
Studio: Laika, released by Focus Features (2009)
Music by: Bruno Coulais, with songs by They Might Be Giants

Voice cast:

Dakota Fanning as Coraline Jones

Teri Hatcher as Mel Jones / The Other Mother

John Hodgman as Charlie Jones / The Other Father

Keith David as The Cat

Robert Bailey Jr. as Wybie Lovat

Jennifer Saunders as Miss Spink

Dawn French as Miss Forcible

Ian McShane as Mr. Bobinsky

This week on Myopia Movies, we accept an invitation to Auntie’s house, which is a mistake, because Auntie’s house is hungry.

Nobuhiko Obayashi’s 1977 Japanese horror-comedy follows Gorgeous and her six schoolmates (Kung Fu, Prof, Fantasy, Melody, Mac, and Sweetie, because subtlety was not on the call sheet) as they head to the countryside for a summer getaway. What awaits them is a sentient house, a murderous piano, a possessed cat, a watermelon with a secret, and special effects that look like a kaleidoscope fell down a flight of stairs. The film was conceived in part with Obayashi’s young daughter, which explains a lot about the logic, and nothing about the ceiling lamp.

Is it a horror film? A comedy? A fever dream assembled from the contents of a 1970s Toho prop closet? Yes. Join us as we riff through one of the most gloriously unhinged movies ever made, where the editing has no rules and the plot has no brakes. Bring snacks, but keep a close eye on them. They may be sentient too.

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How does House hold up?
Director: Nobuhiko Obayashi

Main cast:

Kimiko Ikegami as Gorgeous (Oshare)

Kumiko Ohba as Kung Fu

Yōko Minamida as Auntie

Miki Jinbo as Prof (Ōtsuka)

Ai Matsubara as Fantasy

Eriko Tanaka as Mac (Kuinshiru)

Masayo Miyako as Melody

Mieko Sato as Sweetie

Kiyohiko Ozaki as Mr. Togo

Saho Sasazawa as Gorgeous’s father (Mr. Gorgeous)

Haruko Wanibuchi as Gorgeous’s stepmother

Something is rotten in Middleton, and everyone thinks it’s Frances. Pranks are piling up across town, the adults are furious, and the only person who believes her innocent is a childhood imaginary friend who has shown up unannounced with some alarming news: the Boogeyman is real, he’s loose, and he’s framing her.

This week we revisit a Disney Channel Original Movie from the golden age of tweens, slumber parties, and a weirdly high number of adults who refuse to listen to teenagers. We riff on the logic of the Boogeyman’s master plan, the town’s astonishing lack of due process, and why nobody ever just checks under the bed.

Grab a flashlight, keep your feet off the floor, and join us.

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How will Don't Look Under the Bed hold up?
Directed by Kenneth Johnson

Starring: Erin Chambers, Ty Hodges, Robin Riker, Steve Valentine, Stephen Tobolowsky, Jake Sakson

A whole town has vanished. Snowfield, Colorado, is empty except for a few corpses, a ringing phone, and a vibe that says "don't touch anything." Naturally, we touch everything.

This week we riff on Phantoms, the 1998 adaptation of Dean Koontz's horror novel. Two sisters (Joanna Going and Rose McGowan) roll into town and find it deserted. Then they find Sheriff Ben Affleck, who is very serious about all of this. Then a scientist (Peter O'Toole, who is clearly there for the paycheck and the vibes) shows up to explain that the answer is an ancient shapeshifting horror from beneath the earth. Liev Schreiber is also here, to remind us that this was a very strange moment in everyone's career.

We discuss:

Why every small-town sheriff in a horror movie takes "the entire population is gone" so calmly

Peter O'Toole delivering exposition like he's reading the Magna Carta to a hostage

A monster that is part Lovecraft, part Play-Doh, and part "the effects budget ran out"

Where Phantoms sits in the great late-'90s tradition of horror movies that want to be Scream but can't commit

Grab your snacks, check that your phone line isn't dead, and join us for another round of riffing.

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How will Phantoms hold up?

Directed by Joe Chappelle
Starring: Peter O'Toole, Joanna Going, Rose McGowan, Liev Schreiber, Ben Affleck, Clifton Powell, Nicky Katt, Michael DeLorenzo

Six women charges with murder in Cook County and somehow they're the ones putting on the show. This week we're strapping ourselves into fishnets and existential dread for Rob Marshall's musical about murder, media, and the sweet, sweet payoff of celebrity homicide. Renée Zellweger discovers that shooting your boyfriend is basically an open mic night, Catherine Zeta-Jones proves prison is just improv with worse lighting, and Richard Gere spends two hours doing legal tap-dancing — sometimes literally. Queen Latifah runs the cell block like a landlord who takes cash only, and every single musical number is somebody's fantasy sequence because apparently nobody in 1920s Chicago can process trauma without a spotlight. We're riffing courtroom theatrics, jazz-hand justice, and a plot that boils down to "fame forgives everything." All that jazz, none of the remorse.

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How will Chicago hold up?
Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring:

Renée Zellweger
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Richard Gere
Queen Latifah
John C. Reilly
Christine Baranski
Taye Diggs
Lucy Liu