Flying Free

This is a replay of one of the most listened to episodes in the Flying Free Podcast archives, and it’s such a good one, I thought I’d reshare it for our new listeners! 

If you've ever screamed, thrown something, said something you regret, and then wondered if you’re the abusive one, this conversation will clear that up for you. Our guest, Annette Oltmans breaks down what's really happening in your brain, why "mutual abuse" is a myth, and what happens when the very people you turn to for help end up hurting you all over again.
What we cover: 
Why your reactions don’t match your character
A phrase from the National Domestic Violence Hotline that settles the "mutual abuse" debate for good.
A former police chief once confronted Annette with a question that reveals exactly why so many victims get misread.
There's a second wound that often hurts worse than the first one, and it usually comes from people inside the church.
A simple physical trick can interrupt a trauma reaction before it takes over.
Get Today’s Free Resource:

📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com

I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Family estrangement. It’s kind of big on social media right now, but not always in a healthy kind of way. Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life Saving Divorce, has done research on this, and she’s discovered nine types of family estrangement. 
Chances are, you’ve had a brush with…or are experiencing…at least one type. 

Watch or listen in to hear real stories that show how addiction, control, mental illness, outside manipulation, and even distorted theology can all play a role in family estrangements, and why the truth is almost always more layered than "who's the villain here."

Key Takeaways:
There's no single reason families become estranged: what looks the same on the outside can mean something completely different underneath.
Some of the most common "explanations" you see online only tell half the story, and Gretchen explains why.
One popular Christian teaching has quietly shaped how families handle conflict, and the data on it might shock you.
Not every estrangement is permanent. Gretchen shares research on how many families eventually reconnect, and what actually predicts it.
You'll walk away with four powerful questions that can help you understand your own family's story with more clarity and less judgment.
You can read Gretchen’s insightful article on parent/adult-child estrangement HERE. And while you’re there, be sure to check out her other researched articles on the topics of Christianity and divorce. 
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area helping heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.

If you are stepping away from an emotionally or spiritually destructive marriage and suddenly feel hit by severe anxiety, physical illness, obsessive thoughts, or a desperate urge to run back, you may be experiencing trauma bond withdrawal.
When a relationship alternates between unpredictable emotional mistreatment and periods of seeming “niceness,” your body builds a biological and neurochemical dependency on that cycle. Breaking free triggers a physical and emotional detox.
Today’s episode is a faith-informed, clinically grounded guide to understanding trauma bond withdrawal symptoms, dismantling weaponized scripture, and restoring your nervous system.
Resources mentioned in this episode:

The Grey Rock Method for Emotional Abuse Victims

Flying Free Kaleidoscope Program

Get Today’s Free Resource:

🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com

I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

In this episode, we’re doing something a little different. I’m opening up my private monthly book club discussion (usually just for Flying Higher members) and sharing it with you. This month we read the bestselling novel Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke. 

We get into the tradwife aesthetic, performative Christianity, and the difference between a woman who genuinely loves a homemaking life and a system that demands every woman perform one. 
Key Takeaways:
The reason the beautiful tradwife image is so seductive
The most convincing performances usually start with a belief that's actually sincere. 
One character's storyline sparked a heated disagreement in the group about who gets to be "smart" in stories like this one, and why that distinction matters 
There's a subtle difference between a woman choosing a traditional role and a woman being conditioned into one, and it changes everything about how we respond to the trend.
What does authentic faith look like once the performance stops? 
If you’re a divorced Christian woman who loves self-development and learning new things, consider joining the Flying Higher community! 

Get Today’s Free Resource:

🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com

I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Let’s talk about emotional neglect. Can we really categorize this as “abuse?” 
I say we can, and in today’s episode, I’m going to tell you why. 
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Five specific ways emotional neglect shows up in a marriage
Why silence can be more controlling than yelling
What your nervous system does when someone ignores you
The question every neglected wife asks herself over and over again, and why she needs to stop asking that question
Get Today’s Free Resource:

📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com

I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women still in or healing from emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.