In this first part of a three-part fire side style chat, Kim John Payne speaks with leading psychologist Dr. Richard Freed about the growing influence of persuasive design in modern digital technology. Dr. Freed shares how screen-based platforms, especially social media and video games, are intentionally engineered to hijack attention and foster dependency, using principles drawn directly from behavioral psychology. He warns that these technologies are designed not just to entertain, but to profit from manipulating children’s behavior. The conversation compares today’s screen culture to the tobacco industry of the past, noting how psychological techniques are used to override parental authority and reshape childhood itself. Kim and Dr. Freed discuss the deep concern that many parents feel, even when they can’t fully articulate it, and they affirm that this intuition is valid. They explore how tech companies use parents’ fears and children’s vulnerabilities as tools for marketing and control, and they call for greater awareness and resistance to these manipulations.
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27:21
#278: Sensing the Neeed - Getting Out Ahead Of It
In this episode, Kim highlights the importance of previewing and “getting out ahead” of difficult moments before they escalate. Whether it’s a grumpy morning with a young child or a teenager returning home with restraint collapse, acknowledging the emotional state early can shift the tone of the day. Rather than ignoring frustration or trying to immediately fix it, Kim encourages parents to calmly name what they see and reassure their child that they are present and supportive. This approach signals safety and understanding, and it helps children feel less alone in their struggles. For teens, he suggests offering flexibility and emotional space, even letting them opt out of dinner or homework when they clearly need to decompress. Asking, “Let me know what you need,” empowers older children and shows trust. These small, anticipatory gestures build connection and trust over time and prevent many conflicts from growing larger.
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#277: Choosing Our Battles?
Kim addresses the common parenting dilemma of whether to correct a child’s behavior or let it go. He gently challenges the popular idea of “choosing your battles,” suggesting that framing these moments as battles may not serve the relationship. Instead, he invites parents to see each behavior—no matter how small—as a moment to define family values and build connection. The key, he says, is not whether to correct, but when and how. Small corrections delivered calmly in the moment can prevent larger issues from forming. Kim emphasizes that if we ignore repeated missteps, they may accumulate into bigger breakdowns later. He suggests that a brief, gentle acknowledgment such as, “That’s not okay, we’ll talk about it later,” can hold a boundary while maintaining connection. These micro-moments, when handled thoughtfully, help children understand what is acceptable and create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
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10:58
#276: When Kids Are Angry They Are Vulnerable - Emotional Self Regulation - Part Five
In the final part of this five-part series on emotional self-regulation, Kim John Payne explores the idea that when children are angry, they are also deeply vulnerable. He reminds us that difficult behaviors often surface when children are overwhelmed, and in those moments, they are not only reactive but also scanning closely for how we respond. Kim uses the image of a “direct conduit” opening up between parent and child—a brief window of pure connection, even if it is born from challenge rather than joy. He encourages parents to recognize that beneath the testing behavior is a child who is emotionally bare and in need of orientation and support. If parents can remain centered and responsive rather than reactive, these moments can become micro-definitions of the parent-child relationship. Kim compares emotional vulnerability during conflict to a child with a physical fever: both states reveal a need for care and co-regulation. Being present, steady, and attuned during emotional “soul fevers” helps children feel held, no matter their age.
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#275: Why Screen Time for Kids Makes It Hard For Us - Emotional Self-Regulation - Part Four
In this fourth part of this five-part series on emotional self-regulation, Kim John Payne reviews how screens can disrupt not only a child’s emotional balance but also a parent’s ability to stay centered. He explains how modern screen content is designed to deliver high levels of dopamine, adrenaline, and cortisol, making it both addictive and delivering big hits of easily gained reward and pleasure. When a screen is taken away, a child may feel as if their source of safety has been removed, leading to intense reactions. In these moments, parents can quickly shift from being seen as protectors to being perceived as threats. This reversal can be emotionally difficult and is one of the most common situations where parents find themselves losing their cool. Kim urges listeners to recognize that this is not the child’s fault, but rather a consequence of how screens are designed. He suggests that the best way to reduce daily flare-ups and refusals is to significantly reduce screen exposure. This is not about blame but about understanding the biological and emotional setup that screens create. When we reduce that setup, we give ourselves a much better chance to remain calm, connected, and clear in our family rhythms.
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