The Freeze Response, Gifted Kid Syndrome, and BPD: July Mailbag
Dr. Rick and Forrest answer listener questions about perfectionism, performance anxiety, trauma, and relationships. They explore how early praise for being “gifted” can create a fear of failure and contribute to “failure to launch,” and share ways to shift from focusing on an idealized future to appreciating your actual self right now. They discuss learned helplessness, the freeze response, and practical ways to build agency and vitality to counter feelings of powerlessness. Other topics include the differences between borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, overcoming performance anxiety, and how to decide which friendships are worth investing in.
Key Topics:
02:30: Gifted kid syndrome and fear of failure
08:00: Moving from potential to presence
15:50: Performance anxiety and perfectionism
18:50: Redefining success through process goals
22:30: Learned helplessness and the freeze response
29:30: Reclaiming agency and vitality
38:00: Failure to launch in adulthood
45:00: BPD vs. Bipolar disorder
55:00: Rethinking modern friendship advice
1:03:34: Recap
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1:19:57
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1:19:57
How Real Change Happens with Elizabeth Ferreira
Forrest is joined by associate therapist Elizabeth Ferreira to discuss parts work, psychological defenses, and how real change happens. They talk about the inner child work Forrest recently did during an episode with renowned therapist Terry Real, and how that led to meaningful changes in their relationship. Elizabeth and Forrest unpack the therapeutic process Terry led Forrest through, and discuss clinical technique, why small shifts can lead to big changes, the challenges of working with developmentally young material, and why insight alone is rarely enough.
The episode with Terry we refer to throughout this conversation is titled “Terry Real: Relationships, Trauma, and Inner Child Work.” Here’s the Spotify link.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
2:40: Elizabeth’s reaction to Forrest’s work with Terry
5:05: Avoidance vs. anxiety
7:21: Unpacking Terry Real’s therapeutic approach
14:37: Avoiding through “fixing”
20:54: What’s changed since then?
31:00: Elizabeth’s experience with inner child work
42:32: How does real change happen?
51:54: “You can’t make your partner change.”
55:15: Recap
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1:11:06
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1:11:06
Why Modern Life Doesn't Make Us Happy, and How to Fix It with Dr. William von Hippel
Life today is safer and more comfortable than ever before, so why do so many people feel unhappy, lonely, and anxious? Forrest talks with evolutionary psychologist Dr. William von Hippel about this paradox in light of our two core needs: autonomy and connection. He argues that modern life has pushed us too far in the direction of autonomy, and that we need to reclaim connection in order to find happiness.
They discuss how our evolutionary past shaped our needs for autonomy and connection, the tension between them, and why social connection matters so much for our well-being. They also touch on gender and cultural differences, common misunderstandings about evolutionary psychology, and what people can do to create more balanced and connected lives today.
About our Guest: Dr. William von Hippel is an evolutionary psychologist and former professor at the University of Queensland. He has authored over 150 scientific publications including his books The Social Leap and The Social Paradox.
Key Topics:
0:00: Why hasn’t modern life made us happier?
3:20: The evolution of autonomy and connection
10:15: How modern life favors autonomy over connection
18:10: “Sad success stories,” and the cost of competence
20:00: Competence vs warmth as social signals
26:00: Evolutionary mismatch, and its impact on well-being
29:00: How to understand evolutionary psychology
34:00: Evolved gender differences in autonomy and connection
42:00: Balancing sociocultural and evolutionary differences
49:00: What do those gender differences look like in practice?
55:50: Finding a healthy balance between autonomy and connection
1:08:55: Recap
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1:31:03
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1:31:03
Rethinking Masculinity: Strength and Connection w/ Terry and Justin Real
Forrest is joined by renowned therapist Terry Real and his son Justin for a frank exploration of modern masculinity. They talk about why so many men feel like they’re struggling these days, and how the traditional model of masculinity perpetuates this problem.
They discuss the appeal of red pill cultures, the cultural pushback against gender equality, and how to convince men that the answer is not more dominance but more connection. Other topics include emotional intelligence, creating fulfilling relationships, and how men can claim a healthier understanding of strength.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:50: Terry on patriarchy and male disconnection
7:56: Justin on being raised in an emotionally aware environment
11:34: The problem of male invulnerability
14:35: What do women actually want?
18:10: Strength, relationality, and loving power
27:50: Common patterns in therapy
35:20: The performance of masculinity
49:01: Parenting, gender literacy, and fatherhood
52:10: Selling this to men, and the need for new models
59:48: Recap
Rick’s Change Your Mind Course: Learn how to break old scripts, get some space around self-doubting thoughts, and act in a new way. Six-week course starts June 21, learn more about it at RickHanson.com/changing. Use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive 25% off.
Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.
Sponsors
For a limited time, get Headspace FREE for 60 days. Go to Headspace.com/BEINGWELL60.
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1:07:49
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1:07:49
Self-Sabotage: Why You Do What You Shouldn’t, and How to Stop
We’ve all had moments where we watch ourselves make the exact wrong choice: procrastinating on an important task, picking a fight in a good relationship, or pulling back just when things are starting to go well. This is self-sabotage, and in this episode Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we do it and how to stop.
They talk about how self-sabotage often serves as a form of psychological self-protection, and why doing well can feel like a threat to our identity, before discussing avoidance coping, the conflict between aspects of who we are, and why we stay safe rather than stepping forward. Along the way, they offer practical strategies for updating outdated internal models, working with different parts of ourselves, and building the inner resources that make real change possible.
Change Your Mind with Rick: Learn how to break old patterns and change the thoughts that keep you stuck with Rick’s six-week online course on the science of changing your mind. Learn more at RickHanson.com/changing and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
2:05: What is self-sabotage, really?
6:10: Why self-sabotage is often a form of protection
10:20: Avoidance coping and the logic of “safe failure”
14:40: The identity cost of doing well
18:55: Internal conflict and the parts model
26:15: Challenge vs. threat: how the brain evaluates risk
32:05: Real-life examples of self-sabotage
37:30: How to begin working with self-sabotaging parts
45:45: Working with self-destructive parts
51:10: Creating safer conditions for growth
57:25: Building a feedback loop that reinforces trust
1:02:40: Recap and additional take-aways
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About Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson
Forrest Hanson is joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson and a world-class group of experts to explore the practical science of lasting well-being. Conversations focus on the key insights from psychology, science, and contemplative practice that you need to build reliable inner strengths, overcome your challenges, and get the most out of life. New episodes every Monday.
Listen to Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson, anything goes with emma chamberlain and many other podcasts from around the world with the radio.net app
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