Pure Desire Podcast

In this episode of the Pure Desire Podcast, we explore a radically different way of understanding desire in recovery, betrayal, and marriage. Rather than treating desire as the enemy, our guest, Jay Stringer, invites us to see unwanted behaviors as signposts pointing to deeper wounds and unmet longings. 

Drawing from Jay’s research with over 4,000 people, we discuss how fear-based restriction, shame-driven purity culture, and the pursuit of intensity often fuel addiction and emotional disconnection. We unpack how curiosity, compassion, and wholeness can help individuals move out of relapse cycles and support relational repair after betrayal. 

For betrayed partners, we address how desire can go dormant—and how it can be reclaimed safely. We conclude by envisioning what “connected desire” looks like beyond crisis and where listeners can learn more in Jay’s new book, Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow

Resources:

Check Out Jay's New Book!

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Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
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In today’s episode, we’re joined by Dr. Jake Porter to explore the pervasive and often misunderstood role of shame in recovery. We begin by defining shame and examining why understanding its messages is crucial for lasting growth. 

Even after significant recovery, shame can persist—like background noise—resurfacing when we least expect it, especially when confronting the pain we’ve caused others. We discuss strategies for recognizing and responding to shame, including how to navigate triggers from loved ones, childhood experiences, or the fear of rejection. Listeners will learn practical ways to continue healing long after the initial addictive behaviors have changed, and how to support others in processing their own shame without amplifying it. 

This conversation highlights the importance of awareness, empathy, and self-compassion, showing that recovery isn’t just about behavior—it’s about transforming the internal narratives that drive it. By leaning into this work, we create space for deeper freedom, connection, and emotional resilience.

Resources:

Dr. Jake's Website

Roberts Endowment Fund

Compassionate Warrior

GET STARTED
Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
Schedule Your Free 15-Minute Counseling Consultation
Join A Pure Desire Online Group

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In this episode, Debby Flanagan dives into a common but often overlooked challenge in recovery: trying to control life by controlling other people. We explore how this pattern can undermine relationships, fuel relapse, and distract from personal growth. 

Debby outlines telltale signs that someone may be exerting control and offers strategies for self-reflection to recognize if we are doing the same. For spouses or family members, we discuss clear boundary language and how to set limits that protect your health while maintaining empathy. We also explore the freedom—and fear—that comes with allowing others to make their own choices, and how recovering addicts can focus on their own healing instead of trying to manage everyone else. 

Debby shares guidance on repairing harm caused by controlling behaviors, from sincere apologies to meaningful amends, and offers practical ways to cultivate personal safety, security, and relational integrity in long-term recovery.

Resources:

Roberts Endowment Fund

Compassionate Warrior

Betrayal & Beyond

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Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
Schedule Your Free 15-Minute Counseling Consultation
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In this episode, we explore what it truly means to take full responsibility for the damage caused by addiction—and why minimizing, deflecting, or excusing that harm often keeps relapse close at hand. 

Joined by Eileen Fagan, we identify subtle signs of incomplete ownership, from defensiveness and justification to shifting focus onto the wounded spouse’s reactions. We also discuss why acknowledging pain we’ve caused is so difficult, even for those well into recovery, and how loved ones or group members can gently guide someone toward honest self-awareness without shaming or controlling. 

On the hopeful side, we paint a picture of what real ownership looks like: humility, empathy, repair-focused action, and a willingness to validate pain without arguing with it. We talk about how to avoid the trap of comparison when both partners carry wounds, and how to accept responsibility without spiraling into self-contempt. Ultimately, healthy ownership becomes a lifelong posture—not self-punishment, but a steady commitment to relational repair and integrity.

Resources:

Roberts Endowment Fund

Compassionate Warrior 

GET STARTED
Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
Schedule Your Free 15-Minute Counseling Consultation
Join A Pure Desire Online Group

SOCIALS
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In today’s episode, we confront one of the most deceptive assumptions in the recovery world: the belief that sexual addiction is “just about sex.” With guest Robert Vander Meer, we unpack how this false narrative minimizes the emotional, relational, and neurological drivers beneath the behavior, making relapse far more likely because the real wounds go unaddressed. We identify common signs of this mindset—statements like “I just need more willpower” or “at least I’ve never crossed physical lines”—and explore how even those engaging only with pornography, fantasy, or lust can still be caught in the same trap. We also offer guidance for spouses and group members who recognize this belief in others and want to speak truth without shaming, rescuing, or lecturing. Together, we name why sexual addiction is fundamentally about pain, attachment, coping, and disconnection—not merely sexual acts. Finally, we discuss subtle ways this belief can linger even in long-term sobriety and how to continue growing in honesty, humility, and emotional freedom.

Resources:

Roberts Endowment Fund

Compassionate Warrior

GET STARTED
Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
Schedule Your Free 15-Minute Counseling Consultation
Join A Pure Desire Online Group

SOCIALS
Follow us on Facebook
Follow us on Instagram
Follow us on X (Twitter)

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.