Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

• Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

  “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

  The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• ‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

  Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• ‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

  Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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• ‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’

  Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight out that he was Hertz Car Rental even thinking about going there again. But he asked her to marry him irregordless and then, in the first flush of their rediscovered love, she asked him – “tell me honestly, I won’t be angry” – what his friends thought of them getting hitched again and the dude snitched on me like a parrot with a megaphone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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About Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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