“Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story)
This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).
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1:23:56
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1:23:56
“Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!)
This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).
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1:43:14
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1:43:14
“Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie)
This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).
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1:22:39
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1:22:39
“Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved)
Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety, in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).
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1:25:25
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1:25:25
“Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother)
*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).
Sweet Valley Hive is the hottest new book club to hit the school! Join us (Robert Marx, newbie and Rebecca Pardo, superfan) as we neurotically parse the text, subtext, and outfits of Sweet Valley High, the beloved soapy series of the 80s. From school dances to amnesia to hysterical paralysis, we’ll cover the trials and tribulations of America’s most troubled and triumphant twins.
Ireland