“Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother)
*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).
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1:20:57
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1:20:57
“A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game)
This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).
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1:29:45
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1:29:45
“Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win)
This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime. Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).
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58:39
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58:39
“Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley)
This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).
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1:26:26
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1:26:26
“He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love)
GAY! GAY? GAY. G-G-GAAAAAAYYYYY! 🎶 We’ve got our first named gay character/ We’ve got the most important book of our lives/ Did I cry this morning/ Absolutely I did!/ I cried reading about gay teenagers! 🎶 This week, the arrival of a handsome stranger from SAN FRANCISCO (no homo…er, yes homo) sends shockwaves through both Sweet Valley and our world. Along the way we touch on Tim Horton’s sexuality, Robert’s coming out story, and why being a homosexual teenager involves so many pamphlets—and tennis rackets!—in “He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love).
Sweet Valley Hive is the hottest new book club to hit the school! Join us (Robert Marx, newbie and Rebecca Pardo, superfan) as we neurotically parse the text, subtext, and outfits of Sweet Valley High, the beloved soapy series of the 80s. From school dances to amnesia to hysterical paralysis, we’ll cover the trials and tribulations of America’s most troubled and triumphant twins.
Ireland