Sweet Valley Hive

• “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride)

  This week, we have a study in the terror of the domestic. When her mom gets transferred to London for a new job, it seems Cara’s only option is to elope with her corpse boyfriend Steven. But as the date grows nearer, Cara becomes acquainted with the grim realities of what the performative act of marriage entails: negligee, whiny children, and—the most horrific of all—gay husbands. Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert discuss Sylvia Plath, color theory, and Hungry Man dinners in “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride).

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• “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story)

  This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).

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• “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!)

  This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).

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• “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie)

  This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).

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• “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved)

  Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety,  in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).

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