The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt

Carol Murphy

Arts Comedy

The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt

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Episode 52: This Is Not The End My P’Ugly Fiend.
I howl like the wolf not because I have been on the deadly nightshade or any other fleur du mal but because this is the last episode, for the time being, lets call it an hiatus, of this fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from our horrifically challenged and off their rocker listeners, then ridicule their problems at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure, hi. I will be going through some of the best of the demented letters from the last year and some of my equally limbo infested responses. Welcome to episode 52, This is Not The End, My P’Ugly Fiend. And this is going to be the longest episode of the year! So ENJOY…..folks and folkettes….REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com THE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters THE DIGGERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diggers THE QUAKERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quakers PIERROT LE FOU - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierrot_le_Fou MARLON BRANDO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlon_Brando THE WILD ONE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wild_One QUAKER OATS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quaker_Oats_CompanyBELUGA CAVIAR - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beluga_caviar PIERCE BROSNAN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierce_Brosnan THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Andromeda_Strain_(film)DRACULA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DraculaWHITBY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WhitbyCRONENBERG - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Cronenberg THE OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT - https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43188/the-owl-and-the-pussy-cat MYXOMATOSIS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis MAC THE KNIFE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mack_the_Knife BORN TO BE WILD - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_to_Be_Wild THE SECRET LIFE OF ORANGUTANS - https://silverbackfilms.tv/shows/secret-lives-of-orangutans/ THE MUPPETS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Muppets CHARLIE BROWN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Brown KENNY EVERETT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Everett ROD STEWART - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Stewart MING THE MERCILESS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ming_the_Merciless AMY WHITEHOUSE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_WinehouseMAX VON SYDOW - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_von_SydowFLASH GORDON - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flash_GordonINGMAR BERGMAN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ingmar_BergmanWINTER LIGHT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_LightDICK DASTARDLY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_DastardlyPENELOPE PITSOP - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penelope_PitstopWOODY ALLEN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woody_AllenHANNAH AND HER SISTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_and_Her_Sisters MIKE HODGES - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_HodgesGET CARTER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_CarterBARBARELLA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbarella_(film)JACK DRAPER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Draper
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Episode 51: The Ranters & Quaker Oats
I howl like the wolf because this is my penultimate episode, for the time being, so hold onto your horses. Not so much a cheerio, more of a watch your back, you bastards. I’ve been at this for a year now and I’ve decided that I need a break to focus on being bored in Limbo…and only do a show when I have the choicest letters or when Murphy, the one who keeps stealing my horror chi with her pitching prizes and what not, is up to some wonderful live shows, as me - The Vigilante Cannibal Nun. So next week will be a round up of the year on The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt comedy horror podcast. In the meantime, for today, we are going to strike a terror pose by going back to the chaos of the middle ages and the civil war in England with a letter to shiver your timbers or something. Welcome to Episode 51: The Ranter & Quaker Oats. REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com THE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters THE DIGGERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diggers THE QUAKERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quakers PIERROT LE FOU - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierrot_le_Fou MARLON BRANDO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlon_Brando THE WILD ONE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wild_One QUAKER OATS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quaker_Oats_Company
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Episode 50: Dark Coastal Roads & The Man In My Room
I howl like the wolf because some people think that I’m making all this shit up. Do I explain myself, or do I just let it go, secure in my own sense of self? Yeah right? Don’t you mean my Non sense of self as the living dead. It still gets to me. For all they care I’m sitting in a bedsit in The Shaft, or in a mansion in the outer Hebrides, turning to lies and untruths (why repeat yourself) to gain an iota of attention, and I admit it, I’m getting triggered. I feel that push, that want for validation, so that they understand and respect the real or the unreal or even the undead me. But why? Let it all go. Its gone anyway. Yeah yeah, you were dropped on your head as a child and now you are a fantasist with a complete lack of an audience. They are so proud of themselves but have they ever reached the end of the yellow brick road, somewhere over the rainbow? Eh? Have they pulled the curtain back on The Wizard of Oz and low an behold he is a lizard after all. Or a pathetic middle aged man pretending to be a lizard. Out even not a lizard. They lack the courage to walk the line that far in the game. I have walked that far, I know the end, and there is nothing else for it but to create new games. Yes yes….No one believes me when I say that I ate the colonisers back in the day in mid 19th Century Famine Stricken Ireland, for the sake of the starving, giving them all the spoils of my personal war, gold and diamonds and shit, thinking I was saving the world only to destroy myself and end up here in limbo….and when I say no one I mean everyone on the planet, except, and here is my strange salvation, except for all my fellow horror and sci fi low lifers who send me their letters of woe, or just because they need to rant to someone, and when I say me, I mean The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt, and that is where you have landed, the podcast of the century…not the 21st, but the 19th….arguably the worst century in Irish history, and that is really saying something. Welcome to Episode 50: Dark Coastal Roads & The Man in My Room.REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com HUMANOID STAKKER - https://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/nov/11/stakker-humanoid-25th-anniversary-acid-houseWORLD HUMANOID ROBOT GAMES - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/cvg3mv3rz60oTHE RANTERS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranters
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Episode 49: Humanoid High Hopes & Here Be Dragons
I howl like the wolf because I took a hauntingly good jaunt to the Edinburgh Festival during the week to see if it would be worth infecting the mind of the Murphy girl, as in Carol Murphy, the writer who created me, or so she says, to take The Body & Blood, the story of my life, to perform at The Festival sometime in the future. And lux a Lordy, I think she should. But I have a problem, what is a good way to infect the mind of the Murphy to take the festival plunge? Sweet talking doesn’t work with her. I think the best thing would be to appeal to the true masochist that she is and tell her that, bringing The Body & Blood to the festival is guaranteed to give her exhaustion and weight gain but it will be for the greater good of her cause, her work, and that includes spreading the word about me, everybody happy. Why not take part in the largest arts festival in the world in one of the world’s most beautiful cities, eh? Lets do this together, Murphy, I want to go back, if only in spirit. And in the meantime we can spread the love via this excuse for an Agony Aunt podcast, and use it to sell the show to our avid body of two listeners, you and me. Lets see how that one pans out. But enough of that…it is time to get down and dirty with all the horror and sci fi miscreants in their own personal la la land having done something truly diabolical, desperate for someone to take on their cause and to ease the pain, and who by chance, in looking for any port in the storm, have landed on this particular one - The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt comedy horror podcast, because they know that I’ve reached the depths of despair and addiction by eating the colonisers in mid 19th Century Ireland and giving their wares to the poor, whilst siphoning off some pieces for thon self, not realising that I already died in a random hunger strike, but not hamburger, that I took in a failed attempt to persuade the Catholic Church to do more for the starving in Ireland. Got it? Seems that my soul was already a goner. Who can you go to for support when you have committed the horror crime of the century….yes….someone worse that you. Speaking for myself, I only pretend to offer ya’ll a shoulder to cry on because, get this, I don’t give a flying fig about your woes, but I put on a mighty good sympathetic show. And I think that’s all that it takes, a good jolt of virtue signalling and absolutely nothing constructive, works for everyone else on the internet, why not me, hi. So here we go…welcome to Episode 49 Humanoid High Hopes & Here Be Dragons.REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL - https://www.eif.co.uk/HUMANOID STAKKER - https://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/nov/11/stakker-humanoid-25th-anniversary-acid-houseWORLD HUMANOID ROBOT GAMES - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Humanoid_Robot_Games#:~:text=The 2025 World Humanoid Robot,be held in August 2026.
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Episode 48: Self Pitying Murder Bot & Hope to Turn A Good Man Bad.
I howl like the wolf because it’s August and I have no other reason to justify such rabid feral behaviour. Then again, do I need a reason or excuse for anything I do? Hell or heaven no. You just do the do and pray that no one gets hurt, and when that doesn’t work you can write to me, your resident, in limbo, Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony aunt. I’m there to lord over all of your pain in the guise of someone who actually cares when you make the biggest horror and sci fi mistakes of your life and possible death. But here is the thing, not only do I enjoy pissing over your problems, I feed them to the vultures out there listening so that we can all have a laugh at your expense. Sound good to you? You masochistic bastard, then keep listening. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I am sick to the rotting teeth with all this feel good, how to make your life better and be the best person you can be as hero, central character, control freaked, keeping up with the jones’ then call it authentic world. Trauma makes minced meat of authenticity, so why look for it? We are here on earth to do a little creating, especially when the shit hits the fan, when you really have to ditch the idea that you need to reach in deep for the REAL you. I mean, why wait around for the real you to stop crying into your alcohol free pint, hi, christ even pleasure terrifies you. In the dire times in your life, the real you is in the doldrums, so you have to convince yourself that you are the incredible hulk or the littlest hobo to make it through the night, and there is nothing wrong with that, some might even reach for the chain saw and terrorise their perfect neighbour and I can get jiggy with that, but only if you promise to send me your tales of despair and woe the following day, and if you don’t feel any guilt, then stay away from me because that is some scary shit, right there…just take a screw driver and hammer a few rivets why don’t you…..this has gone right off pist so without further ado I am here to introduce Episode 48: Self Pitying Murder Bot & How To Turn A Good Man Bad.REFERENCES CAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/ THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.uk GHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.com CHAT GPT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChatGPT AMERICAN PSYCHO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Psycho_(film)
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About The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt

The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt is a fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast. Every Tuesday, your host, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, the living dead, reads two letters from our emotionally ill-fettered listeners, salivates over their problems, and vomits up solutions, at their expense and for everyone else’s pleasure. The Vigilante Cannibal Nun is a sin eater, well equipped to solve a little emotional problem or two, with victims sending in their letters from across time and space, cutting through all categories of Horror and SCI FI genre. Each episode is roughly 10 minutes in length. Who is The Vigilante Cannibal Nun? Maggie Murtagh, otherwise known as The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, was born of the imagination of the artist Carol Murphy. Her story is told in a series of Murphy’s verse-driven performance films called The Body & Blood, launched here at the beginning of 2022 and performed in a UK and Irish theatre tour in 2023. In The Body & Blood, Maggie Murtagh is a young Irish Country Girl who transmogrifies into The Vigilante Cannibal Nun during the Irish Famine, after the death of her family. She steals from the rich to give to the starving poor, eats the colonisers, and destroys her soul. She is the living dead.

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