The Vigilante Cannibal Nun as Agony Aunt

I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from my horror fans, indulge in their Christmas folly, sever a crazed outlier turkey leg or five with a Kenwood 28cm Electric Carving Knife or make love to a spiked Faux Snow Tipped Mountain Pine Christmas Tree that is addicted to snorting talcum powder, then laugh at the expense of their paltry addictions and for the cost of everyone else’s drunken Christmas avoidance techniques. Welcome to episode 14: Top Ten Presents to buy your partner for Christmas when you want to ditch them on New Year’s Day.Today, once again, we’re going to break the Christmas Trifle mould to give you the Top Ten Presents To Buy Your Partner For Christmas When You Want To Ditch Them On New Year’s Day. Because I know I’m speaking to the voiceless, and those who have no clue how to draw, let alone, speak in a straight line and where communication is not one of your fortes, so just saying “please leave me” or “I will leave you”…is out of the question. We must find a language that suits us - abrupt, painful, odd, violent, possessed, laden with advanced technology, haunted, terrified, or just plain sad and of course metaphorical. Here’s hoping that your partner will get the message. Or you find the strength to walk out, back in, and out and around the houses, going nowhere man. REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.comSOUND OF MUSIC - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sound_of_Music_(film)WHITE CHRISTMAS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Christmas_(song)ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_I_Want_for_Christmas_Is_YouJESUS CHRIST THE APPLE TREE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_Christ_the_Apple_TreeUGLY DOGS IN RENAISSANCE PAINTINGS - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Renaissance-Paintings-Calendar-Medieval-Portrait/dp/B0D91W2MLWFROM HELL – EAUX DE PARFUM - https://cursedfragrances.co.uk/product/from-hell/?attribute_size=100ml+Bottle&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAqYmlnz5hzG8yC8RwntXfKNbrgB1P&gclid=CjwKCAiAmfq6BhAsEiwAX1jsZyhpDGICXojiabMZEjfC5duyigqdSyuPcoYdazWa8hqv2LlTL7bUvxoC9uwQAvD_BwEGOLDIE LOOKING CHAIN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldie_Lookin_Chain

In the bleak mid winter, The Vigilante Cannibal Nun felt cold and alone and angry and horny all at the same time. And I am sticking to my guns in that I will never ever ever ever EVER eat sprouts. Colonisers, that’s what I eat, and lots of them, with their red coats and mansion houses and entitlement issues that are not issues as they feel no guilt. Hurrah for Limbo and loneliness, which gives me all the time in the world to solve two weekly horror / SCI FI emotional problems, sent in by fans, in around 10 minutes, give or take a fentanyl lollipop.Our first letter today is from little Johnny from Cardiff circa 1962. I HATE CHRISMAS WHAT SHOULD I DO? My sister is a bully and I’d like to kill her. Instead, I have to spend Christmas being bullied.Our second letter is from Marilyn in Texas Circa 1974 who says that she was afraid of her husband’s driving until he picked up a masked hitchhiker, carrying a chainsaw and told him to sit in the back seat behind me and to feel free to rev up the machine and express himself in any which way he wanted. So he cut off his head. Now I am alone and bored. What should I do?REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM -https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.comIN THE BLEAK MID WINTER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_the_Bleak_MidwinterOH HOLY NIGHT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O_Holy_Night12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve_Days_of_ChristmasTHE BIRDS - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Birds_(film)THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Texas_Chain_Saw_MassacreONCE IN ROYAL DAVID’S CITY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Once_in_Royal_David%27s_CitySLEIGH RIDE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleigh_RideSLEDGE HAMMER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sledgehammer_(Peter_Gabriel_song)

For once in my life, I have someone who needs me, like a giant hole in the head, blasted with a possessed AK47 left to rust in the cold and wet and itching to get used and abused so that it can bite back. Who says romance is dead? Me! The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, that’s who, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t laugh at your stupid mistakes when in love or out of love or hovering around contempt. We’re all just plain bored, and that’s why you’re listening to me, your least favourite Agony Aunt, of the eating the colonizers kind, and yes I do like chocolate with my chips. Each week I solve two horror and SCI FI emotional problems, sent in by my fans, in less than 10 minutes, give or take a petulant vampire rat with a broken amygdala or heart, who can’t decide what is worse. So, forget about your ideas of perfection, throw yourself into the fire and see if you can swim and here we go.Our first letter today is from Nina from San Francisco circa 1975. Nina says that she is too sensitive. She says she hears the pain of the grass growing, cannot see the wood for the trees, the fly from the ointment or the serial killer from the Alien Chihuahua and always ends up getting down and dirty with nut jobs. She asks if she should accept the pain of life or seek happiness elsewhere?Our second letter is from Gerry, a man in 1980’s Belfast who says that he’s afraid of his temper. Every time he opens his mouth he runs away.REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.comMAC THE KNIFE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mack_the_KnifeALEMANY FARMERS MARKET - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernal_Heights,_San_FranciscoSTAKEKNIFE - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freddie_ScappaticciBORN TO BE WILD - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_to_Be_Wild

Firstly, Feckn feel good films hi, who needs them? Hello, is it me you’re looking for??? The Vigilante Cannibal Nun, and no, I’m not parading around in frilly underwear, neither am I running for Fanny of the Week…But I’m still your least favourite Agony Aunt, of the eating the colonisers, but not the mushrooms, kind. Each week I solve two horror and SCI FI emotional problems, sent in by my fans, in less than 10 minutes. So, forget about your willful sexual fantasies and the girl next door with the mountain of neurosis including a vampire bunny crossing as a psychotic wolf, and here we go, jumping out of the frying pan straight into the cauldron and lapping up the time-warped lace around thigh-high stretch marks, or someone else’s wet dream. Rationality is for the birds man, I mean, hi.Ok so let me tell you about meeting King Henry VIII, hanging out in limbo, picking daisy petals because he can’t make up his mind as to where his allegiance lies, is it with the taigs or the prods, HENCE no one will take him in. Not quite “NO ROOM AT THE INN” with his history of sex, murder, the reformation, the dissolution of the monasteries and his rotten big toe. But here we go…..And our next letter is from Jenny from 1980’s LA who says that her dead husband has come back as a killer chair. Back from where?REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM -https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.comHELLO by Lionel Richie - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHONNcZbwDYSAINT KATHERINE – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_of_AlexandriaKING HENRY VIII - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_VIII