Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

• Nicky & AJ Part 4 of 4: When Rewards and Punishments No Longer Work

  Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone.  This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.  Time Stamps3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.  7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do. 17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behaviorEngage your child into the solution of the problem24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behaviorDo it without anger or shamingLay out the plan in advance30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.33:47 Whose problem is it?  Remember to work on your part of the problem34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors  Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?Resources:  GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.toolsLeslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

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  38:30
• Bonus Episode: Making Hard Conversations Easier with the DEAR MAN Skill

  Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships.  That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.Time Stamps1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectivelyDEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective metGIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationshipFAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where5:35 E = Express your feelings 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person7:55 M = Maintain your focus 8:28 A = Appear confident8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective16:52 When to use DEAR MAN 19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over againResources:  Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practiceDEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RUDBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment CenterFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

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  22:06
• Nicky & AJ Part 3 of 4: When Shame Gets In The Way

  We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started.  This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown.  We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.  Time Stamps3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skillDescribe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves 27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?”32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action Go opposite to the urge of the emotion The urge associated with shame is to hideGo opposite to shame when it is not justifiedGo all the way35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something 43:58 Practice being vulnerableLeslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.Resources:  Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.ToolsDialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.ToolsFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

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  47:00
• Nicky & AJ Part 2 of 4: Stopping Generational Trauma

  How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child.  This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily.  We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills. Time Stamps3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below)8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below)11:08  It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”.  Be honest13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidationTrauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)14:55 Definition of Trauma21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)19:50  Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle20:30 Every step makes a difference 21:12  Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter22:15  Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated.  Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?”28:44 The parenting dialectic:  I am trying my best AND I still need to do more30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples)43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.  Leslie-ism:  Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patternsResources:  The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MDThe Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-RuburyDialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.ToolsDialectic Behavior Therapy.  The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.ToolsTrauma Treatment Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PEProlonged ExposureCognitive Processing Therapy - CPTFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, 

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  47:01
• Nicky & AJ Part 1 of 4: When Your Child's Defiance is Confusing

  Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years.  They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.Time Stamps4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg8:48  #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening8:54  #2 goal - give you skill and strategies9:01 Assumption:  She’s doing the best she can at the present time9:58  Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going onIt's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking18:40  Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings  19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room  to help someone talk21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talkGive her space and timeInvite her to share when she’s readyValidate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are thereUse statements rather than questionsWarning: don’t add the BUTUsing rating scales29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotionsResources:  Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia Leslie's Video: Metaphor of Why people shut down in conversationsMetaphor of the Iceberg: Leslie's blog on how misbehavior is a form of communicationLeslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understandingFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music

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  46:42

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