Sexy Unique Podcast

Lara and Carey return for the season finale of The Valley, but first they discuss Lara’s upcoming Italian eclipse moment, the new but not surprising Jared Leto sex pest doc on BBC, testing their skills on the two questions that led to Ben Affleck’s Who Wants to be a Millionaire? victory, Bethenny Frankel’s new supermodel cafe, and Bryan Johnson’s longevity fatigue.

Back on The Valley, Halloween approaches. But first, Lala meets with Nia for coffee in a Moulin Rouge outfit; while feeding Saerpent, Nia’s discloses more about her traumatizing past and longing for stability at all costs. Doute and Luke dig themselves further into hetero hell, and Michelle discloses to Dreadlocks Natalie her plans to own a home. As Brittany’s Big Vampire Soiree kicks off, Danny transforms into Blackout Bookula, sucking all the oxygen out of the backyard, Zack gets called out for being two-faced about Jinet, Jesse accuses Michelle of being in a secret relationship, Jasmine transforms into a family court attorney, and Doute full-on lies to save face over her Nia Disclosure Day to a shuncked and horrified Brittany. Finally, Jason and Danny — nearly unconscious — have it out in the Beetle Juice room; Danny Scary Christian points in Janet’s face, who returns it with a soda to Danny’s temple. Janet loses the battle, for now, and The Bookos flee into the night back to Santa Clarita, as Saerpent claims victory over the souls of the living and the dead.
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Carey and Lara are back with a penultimate recap of everyone’s favorite hetero nightmares, but first, Lara takes time out to speak out on a new initiative she’s undertaking to fight for the movie-going spirit of Los Angeles. They also talk Nicole Kidman’s possible new beau or possible new gay, newly surfaced video of Clavicular’s middle school graduation, Danny Booko’s TMI battle with porn addiction, and a harrowing Schwartz paparazzi pic.

Back on The Valley, Schwartz dotes on Kiana, Michelle sells Sunset, and Zack and Benji have a difficult convo about theoretical babies and their immigration stress. Nia and Saerpent return from Miss U.S.A., letting Danny off the hook from being a parent once more; Danny laments his lack of trust in the group as Saerpent feeds.

Then Michelle and Jesse make their divorce official-official and celebrate with bittersweet champagne, long-winded speeches and explosive sexual chemistry. Schwartz, Kiana, Michelle and Lala take a rindom pontoon ride where Schwartz comes clean about the boys and Doute not taking Jinet’s S/A, to the horror of La. Doute and Luke give a poor man’s version of Couples Therapy where they discuss WeddingGate, which is made worse by Luke’s careless zingers. The girls + Zack + Lacy, minus Nia and Doute, head to Chili’s where Brittany and Zack butt heads over Nia and Zack sharts in the restroom. Brittany does a sexy photo shoot to celebrate her mommy makeover and prepares for her big season finale Halloween party. Lala confronts Doute over not giving Jinet grace about her S/A admission.
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Lara and Carey return to talk Lara’s upcoming international adventure, moving heaven and earth for the upgrade, Carey’s high altitude bathroom rituals, a harrowing new “Special Forces” cast featuring Brandi Glanville and George Santos, a history-making “Golden Life” update, and finally seeing The Rizzler as a national treasure. They also discuss the breaking news that Jax and husband Brittany’s longtime, Canada-based publicist are bumping purses. A reader recounts their debaucherous night in Toronto with Mr. Taylor himself.

Back on The Valley, the crew reels from their disastrous vacation in Mexico; Nia (with Saerpent) prepares to leave for Miss USA where she is judged, forcing Danny to confront the unthinkable: caring for their children for a few days without her. Danny also readies himself for his overdue vasectomy procedure, as Jesse, Luke and Schwartz join him for a “Balls Voyage” drink sesh out in the Santa Clarita Horror; Jesse and Luke question Janet’s timing for her S/A reveal. Meanwhile, Jasmine tries on wedding dresses for her sweet mother, Brittany and Zack recount Jasmine’s long and arduous romantic path to finding Melissa; and Zack accompanies Danny for the Big Snip. Lala celebrates seven years of sobriety, where Janet and Doute have it out at the dinner table; Lala grapples with putting her longtime dog down. Doute settles back into Los Angeles serenity, confronting Luke once again about his own wedding bombshell. Then the crew descends on a Hollywood rooftop where Britt’s engagement party for Jasmine and Melissa commences: Janet unsuccessfully tries to thaw the ice between her and Jesse, Brittany sweats in her heels, and Jasmine and Melissa look ahead to their dream Jersey nuptials.
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Lara and Carey return to the birthday trip of nightmares, but first they discuss Jenn Pendranti’s son allegedly committing arson and Justin Baldoni and his wife’s rindom new Instagram video, beamed in from Nashville.

Back on The Valley, the day of judgment begins: Danny’s birthday, and Brittany forgot to wear her stomach compressions overnight! Brittany, Lala, and Jinet sit out Danny’s Miami Vice booze cruise, and Janet confides in Lala about a past trauma that’s resurfacing, via Danny’s drunken terrorism. On the boat, the crew heads to an island buffet, where Michelle and Lacey talk PDA Gate, and Jesse blabs to Doute about Luke’s wedding confession; a shunked Doute confronts Luke, leading to more trouble in paradise. Schwartz wears a bandage around his face in solidarity with Zack (post-streetlight strike) and the crew assembles for their final night in Mexico to celebrate Danny’s awkward birthday. Nia goes into full PR mode, fighting off Lala and Michelle, causing Danny to descend into the Darkside once more. Nia flees, but not before Mama Doute comes to her side, attempting to soothe her newly-minted bestie as only a Mama can…
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Lara and Carey reunite after his whirlwind Fire Island adventure. They discuss his gay ass vacation, Madonna’s LGBTQ opus, the artist selling trash cubes from Taylor’s Fall of Rome wedding, Lena Dunham’s continuing to triumph over evil, and more.

Then back on the unholy birthday trinity trip in Mexico, Schwartz’s bday lunch from Hell rages on, as Jinet breaks down to Jason over Danny’s drunken behavior. Michelle keeps lamenting Jesse and Lacey’s PDA, as Lacey arrives right on time for Zack’s birthday leg. Luke talks Donte with Brittany and Lala, and Brittany frees the tourtles. Danny and Nia whip each other up over the haters. Then the crew heads on a double decker bus to the clubs; Brittany confronts Jesse and Zack’s head gets bashed by a low-hanging street light, forcing him to be rushed to the hospital. In honor of Zack, the crew rages on. Nia tries to neuter Danny’s hip thrusts and overall Nigerians, activating soon-to-be birthday boy Darkside Danny for another night of horrors…

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