Ask the Unfaithful

• Episode 41: Why Do the Unfaithful Take Things Personally?

  Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something is wrong with us, or you the betrayed are unhappy with us, or we consider ourselves worthless. Additionally, we unfaithful are masters at making every conversation about us, our feelings, our disagreeing with your concerns or our need for validation. But sadly, we were the ones who went outside the marriage and if anyone has a right to take things personally, it's the betrayed. Today, we explore a variety of both intriguing but also complex reasons why we unfaithful take things so personally in life and in recovery work. While none of these serve as excuses or justification to be reactive, defensive or insecure they are reasons that can explain our behavior and help ultimately lead to personal healing and restoration. To refuse to admit we struggle with any or all of these issues is to remain blind to our own need for personal reflection and individual recovery work. If you're an unfaithful, perhaps it's time to reflect upon the above 8 causes of hyperreactivity in your life? Maybe it's time to consult an expert on whether these issues and more are not only prevalent in your life, but are also impeding any progress you're trying to make with your partner, your family or even just yourself? While you may relate to all of them or just some of them, rest assured that doesn't disqualify you from the potential to heal or find personal transformation. The answer is not always working harder, but smarter. There are in fact, reasons the unfaithful are reactive and resort to defensive tactics when their character flaws are discussed. And.....while a safe atmosphere is key, it's vital we are able to be safe for open dialogue and honest discussion on how our choices have wounded so many. Today you'll hear just that: open and safe dialogue into the mind, heart and inner workings of the unfaithful spouse. We See You Because We Are You. James and Sam   ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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• Episode 40: What is Toxic Negativity & What Can Be Done About It?

  Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in general, often dismissing or disregarding any positive experiences or perspectives. It manifests as constant complaining, pessimism, and an inability or refusal to see the good in anything, including ourselves. This type of negativity can also include being excessively critical, judgmental, or even emotionally draining for those around the person displaying it, especially in the relationship attempting to heal from infidelity or addiction. Toxic negativity is massively alienating and wounding because it: Drains Emotional Energy: Constant negativity can leave others feeling emotionally exhausted. It’s hard to engage in conversations or relationships when every topic is met with criticism or hopelessness. Inhibits Growth and Problem-Solving: Focusing on the negatives prevents individuals from seeing solutions or opportunities for improvement. Instead of working through challenges, toxic negativity leads to a feeling of 'stuckness' and helplessness, which if not guarded against can allow for an unfaithful to regress into a 'victim mindset, further exacerbating the recovery process. Affects Mental Health: Being surrounded by or adopting a toxic-negative mindset can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and relapse. It reinforces feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, making it difficult for the unfaithful to feel hopeful or positive about their own lives and recovery process. Damages Relationships: When toxic negativity is persistent in the life of the unfaithful, it can drive partners, spouses or family members away. The recovery process flourishes on actions, empathy and intentionality. Consistently negative approaches and behavior undermines the entire foundation of repair work. Reinforces a Cycle of Hopelessness: The more an unfaithful focuses on insufficiency or unworthiness, the more vulnerable they become to discouragement, victimization of themselves and alienation of their betrayed partner. This limits growth and change, keeping them trapped in a negative feedback loop which is toxic for everyone. Today you'll find a way out of toxic negativity and practical help for making a fresh start in your own recovery work as well as your relationship's, right now.   In Hope,  James and Sam ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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• Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery

  In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!" We just have such a hard time as unfaithful, making the connection between broken promises and sirens going off in the heart and mind of the betrayed. "Well, if you can't commit to something as small and easy as the aforementioned items, how can I know you'll stay committed to the bigger things like saying no to temptation and refraining from flirting or acting out again?" answers the betrayed. "If you can't take seriously the small things, how do I know you'll take seriously the larger, bigger items like therapy, relapse prevention and lifelong sobriety?" says the betrayed. And....quite honestly, they are right in their concerns. But why you may ask? Today we'll share just why it's vital to be a man or woman of keeping your word. Unfaithful, take it from both of us, if you want your betrayed to eventually trust you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually respect you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually start to soften and find more compassion for you, keep your word. Yes, even in the smallest of items. Keeping your word displays character. Keeping your word displays integrity. Keeping your word displays a heartfelt commitment to sobriety. Keeping your word shows a commitment to building a safe life for ourselves and for our partner. We the unfaithful don't always see it this way, but respectively, we're not the ones with betrayal trauma. We hope today is a palatable lesson on how to slowly but surely win back the heart, respect and even trust of the betrayed. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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• Episode 38: 6 Essentials to Maintaining Momentum in Relational Recovery

  Today on the podcast, we discuss and define relational recovery while also addressing how to stay motivated as an unfaithful and how can you keep the momentum going for both the short term and long term. The fact is, it takes grit and perseverance to do relational recovery work. From moodiness to frustration, to confusion and despair, relational recovery is not for the faint of heart. You may be asking, "Does an unfaithful actually need a reminder on why to stay motivated? Don't they know what's at stake?" Yes, unfaithful need both reminders and guideposts on what they are actually working towards. With any journey, exhaustion is a thing. Frustration can also creep in, and if we unfaithful don't have a few necessary ingredients, we run the risk of losing our way and giving up. There are several challenges to this type of relational recovery that require an open dialogue if they are going to be diffused and overcome. But how do you know what to look for? What are signs of fatigue, disinterest or relapse in recovery work? How do you keep the momentum going and how do you avoid burnout both as an unfaithful and as a betrayed? Today is a great reminder of what we're fighting for and how we can actually fight. Not with each other, but fight burnout, disillusionment and despair. Learning how to fight is vital if the unfaithful is going to continue to press forward, keeping their eyes on the road ahead, while also being compassionate for the wake of consequences they face daily. The enemy is certainly not the betrayed, despite how many reminders, triggers and intrusive thoughts may arise in the heart and mind of the betrayed. The enemy is avoidance, exhaustion and ignorance. Today we do all we can to help combat these forces while also providing hope for those trying to save both their own lives and their relationships. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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• Episode 37: Why Is the Unfaithful So Hot and Cold? Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic

  Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful seem so hot and cold? One minute they're pursuing the betrayed, showing signs they are 'all in.' The next minute, they seem aloof and selfish, if not downright resistant and cantankerous that anyone would ask anything of them. It's as if they protest and complain about having to do any work at all, only to appear to possibly 'get it' the next day, week or month. Traci Pedersen calls this activity “A repetitive/cyclic push-pull dynamic in a relationship that is characterized by alternating patterns of drawing a partner close (pulling), leading to emotional turbulence and instability.” The back and forth can can leave the betrayed feeling unsure and uncared for, not to mention rejected and even retraumatized. But why do we do it? What's going on in side of us? What leads us to react this way to 'our person' when it appears so confusing and belittling? After all, we've made choices that have devastated you the betrayed, why would we ever be half in, or back and forth or ambivalent? The truth is we unfaithful are lost in a sea of confusion, disconnected from empathy and compassion. We slide into the push-pull dynamic out of Insecurity about our capability to be intimate and vulnerable. We also typically live and function in an anxious or avoidant attachment (aka pre-occupied or fearful-avoidant) styles. We struggle to have any form of healthy self-empowerment and continue to regress, harming everyone in our path, causing everyone close to us to feel confused and uncertain. Today we'll help both the unfaithful and betrayed understand why this dynamic exists and how to not only overcome it, but eradicate it from both the unfaithful and the betrayed's lives and recoveries. There is hope for both parties to not only understand this dynamic but overcome it. As always, if we can help in any way please reach out to us at [email protected]. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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