Parenting Teenagers Untangled

Ask Rachel anything
This Wonder Room starts with my own parenting fail, involving granola, a sarcastic reply about Cheerios and an argument I really should have walked away from. If you’ve ever been rage-baited by your teen, you’re not alone.
I’m joined by Katharine Radice, teacher, author and mother of teenage boys, to take on the messy reality of living with teenagers. 
We cover:
Why some teens seem to pick fights, and why a row can feel like a release
A listener’s message about her 14-year-old, who hit and kicked her when her phone was taken away: how to help teens catch anger before it explodes, why small things are worth a conversation before they become a row, and why we shouldn’t assume a child will turn out like a difficult relative
How to talk about phones with an autistic teen or one with PDA who resists conversation, including listening without words, setting a timer and using language that doesn’t feel like a demand
Our response to Dr Özgür Bolat’s ideas in The Reward Trap: where we agree on praise and motivation, and what you do when the homework still has to get done
Why a task doesn’t have to be fun, it has to feel worth it, and how sitting alongside your teen can help more than stepping in
What happens when teens work towards a dream and it doesn’t deliver, as Katharine sees with some of her Cambridge students
You’ll come away with practical ways to handle anger, resistance and motivation, and a reminder to slow down, find the joy now and tell your teenager you enjoy their company.
While I have your attention, I’ve got to tell you about this Vax carpet cleaner I bought. (I have absolutely no affiliation and make no money from this) I’ve been using it regularly because my dog hasn’t been well and has been using the indoors as a toilet. Honestly, it’s the most fantastic purchase that I wish I’d bought twenty years ago when my babies came along. 
It’s light, really simple to use, and even has a self-cleaning function. I went on Amazon to give it a five star review and saw that it’s discounted right now. 
Helpful old episodes:
Anger management 
Parenting complex teens - Elaine Taylor-Klaus
The Reward Trap
Lazy to Motivated
I’ve put the key tips in a PDF for my substack subscribers. Join here
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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 
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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 
My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me
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Ask Rachel anything
What if the things we do to motivate our teenagers are doing the opposite?
Most of us have done it. A tenner for a good exam result. An hour on the Xbox once the homework is done. A new phone if the grades come back right.
It works, in the moment. But Dr Özgür Bolat thinks we are paying a much higher price than we realise.
Özgür is an educational scientist with a master's from Harvard, a PhD from Cambridge and a visiting research post at MIT Sloan. He has advised Google, YouTube Kids and Unilever on child development. His book, The Reward Trap, draws on seven decades of research to show why gold stars, treats, praise and privileges so often backfire, and what to do instead.
His interest is personal. He was the textbook high achiever: 56th out of a million students in Turkey's national exam, a perfect GPA at Harvard, a Cambridge doctorate. Then he came home, with everything going right, and felt anxious. He realised his happiness depended on outside approval. He had to keep succeeding to feel OK. And when he asked himself why, the answer led back to how he was parented.
For a full explanation of the points made in the podcast click here
Dr Özgür Bolat  -The Reward Trap

Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 
My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me
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Facebook

Ask Rachel anything
When your child is 12 and struggling, people might rally round. When they’re 19 and stuck in their bedroom, it can feel lonelier, and often more shameful, than it should.
This week in the Wonder Room, I’m joined again by teacher, author and mother of two Katharine Radice to unpick my conversation with family therapist Thomas Miller on young adults who fail to launch.
We talk about why “get a good job” is a brittle value and “value hard work” is a durable one, and why that difference matters so much.
We get into the difference between pressure and urgency, why no job is beneath anyone starting out, and how the sheer volume of AI-written applications are making genuine, human ones, stand out.
We also share three simple questions that help teens and young adults notice what’s doing them good, who they can learn from, and how to build their own network.
If you’re worried about a young adult who seems stuck, this one’s for you.
Situated by Angela Duckworth
The Disengaged Teen by Jennie Anderson and Dr Rebecca Winthrop
Thank You for Being Late, by Thomas Friedman
Episodes:
How part time jobs still make a massive difference
Using mentors to change your life with Mitchell Osmond
Failing to Launch with Thomas Miller
Sleep/wake routine advice Ken Rabow
Helping more complex kids with ADHD and other differences Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Listen to my conversation with Thomas Miller and this Wonder Room with Katharine Radice on Teenagers Untangled. And if a friend is having a wobble about this right now, send it their way.
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 
My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me
Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything
What can we do when our baby has technically reached adulthood, but they’re not working, they're drifting in and out of education, living at home with no obvious plan, or still relying on us for things we assumed they’d be managing by now? 
This week I’m joined by Thomas Miller, a family therapist who works with young adults and their parents on anxiety, addiction, neurodiversity and what’s often called “failure to launch.”
You’ll hear:
A simple test to tell the difference between a young adult who’s genuinely stalled and one who’s just taking a bit longer to find their feet
Why the whole family, not just the young person, is the key to change
Where support tips into enabling, and why high-achieving parents are especially prone to overfunctioning
How rescuing our kids can rob them of their dignity, and how to give it back
Why knowing your family’s values gives you a way to talk about what’s going wrong
Practical conversation techniques you can start using with younger teens now, to prevent problems later
Whether your child is 13 or 23, this one is about the bigger goal behind all our parenting: raising someone who can manage a life without us.
Find Thomas at Four Peaks Parents, where there’s a free workbook to help you assess where your young adult is.
Join my supportive community and get all the tips on how to tackle this situation by clicking here
Thomas Miller 

Other episodes that come at this from different angles:

Dr David Yeager with brilliant tools and deep understanding of how to motivate a young adult (he defines this anywhere beyond the age of 10!))
Ken Rabow giving very specific, practical ways of focusing on helping a young adult move forward
Elaine Taylor-Klaus on parenting more complex teens or tweens with ADHD autism or other differences
An old conversation with Susie from 2025 about the rising number of NEETS and how we parents can best support our kids.
My very first episode in which I talked about our parenting toolbox and how to delve into it to see what’s already there.

Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 
My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me
Instagram
Facebook

Ask Rachel anything
I've really needed a reminder of how emotional regulation works, and how to see the best in everyone, over the past three weeks. I think Dr Jody gave us the best talk on this and I loved her so much that it was a joy to have the chance to discuss her ideas with Katharine Radice.
I don't know about you but it's one of my favourite topics because it comes up all of the time when we're parenting teenagers and I need regular reminders to be kind to myself just as much as I need to be kind to my kids.
Here's a summary of what we discuss in this Wonder Room episode:
Rachel and Katharine revisit Dr. Jody’s advice, including “walk them home,” “get eyes,” and “tell me more.”
We discuss the idea that even attuned parents get it right only some of the time, the number that comes up is 30%! That means we only need to get it right 30% of the time to be one of the best parents. Obviously, that makes repair one of the most important parenting skills.
A simple pause to make hot chocolate can prevent conflict from escalating.
Modeling repair
Parents can acknowledge when they have lost their temper and apologize, because it shows children how relationships recover.
Naming personal patterns and signs of stress can help families support one another without making children responsible for adult emotions.
Repair between adults should be visible to children when possible, so they do not assume conflict is unresolved or their fault.
Teen independence and listening
Parents need to adjust their support as children mature, balancing practical help with respect for their choices and agency.
Listening and asking for more information can make space for children to express difficult feelings without requiring parents to have immediate answers.
Support the show
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 
Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 
My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me
Instagram
Facebook