The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

"Coercive control" has entered the mainstream - and started to lose its precision. This episode brings it back: what coercive control actually is, what it isn't, and why the difference matters for everyone.
"I felt trapped in my own life." 
It's a phrase I hear again and again from clients, it's how I felt all those years ago,  and it captures something the technical definitions can't quite reach.
In recent years, "coercive control" has moved from the margins into legislation, headlines, and dinner-table conversation. That shift is profound and overdue. But as the term has become more widely used, it has also become more loosely used - and when everything is called coercive control, the word begins to lose the meaning that the people who have genuinely lived it depend on. 
If everything is coercive control, then nothing is.
In this episode I bring the precision back. I walk through what coercive control actually is - a deliberate, sustained pattern of behaviour designed to dominate another person and strip away their autonomy, producing fear and compliance - and some of the tactics that make it up. 
Then I draw the harder lines: how being "controlling" is not the same as coercive control, and how to think clearly about the trickier middle ground, including withholding contact with children, post-separation behaviour, and reactive behaviours. I also address who perpetrates coercive control: a framework that is gender-neutral in principle, alongside a statistical reality that is anything but - held in a way that erases neither women's overwhelmingly documented experience nor male victims.
This is a measured conversation, on purpose. The precision I'm arguing for is exactly what the people whose lives were shaped by coercive control deserve.
In this episode:
What coercive control actually is - pattern, intent, domination, fear, compliance and loss of autonomy
The tactics that constitute it
Why "controlling" behaviour is not the same as coercive control
The trickier middle ground: withholding contact, post-separation behaviour, and reactive abuse
Who perpetrates coercive control - the framework, and the statistics
Three questions to ask yourself if you're unsure
Where to find support, and where to understand this in depth
If this episode gives you language for something you have been living, the work continues in the Blueprint - Module 17 in particular is the extended treatment of coercive control, the foundation the rest of it is built on.
Support: If you are in Australia and need to talk to someone, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is available 24/7.   In an emergency, call 000.

Explore the supports offered by Danielle Black Coaching
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/the-post-separation-parenting-blueprint-1
AI Danielle - Your 24/7 Digital Coach
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/meet-ai-danielle
1:1 Coaching
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/1-1-coaching
The music you hear in this outro is 'Calm is Credible' - an original track created exclusively for the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast and Danielle Black Coaching.  You can listen to this song, or download free, by visiting danielleblackcoaching.com.au
About Danielle Black Coaching:
Danielle Black is a respected authority in child-focused post-separation parenting in Australia. With over twenty years’ experience across education, counselling and coaching - alongside her own lived experience navigating a complex separation and family court journey - she supports parents to think strategically, build capacity, and protect their children’s safety and wellbeing within complex legal and relational systems.
Through Danielle Black Coaching, she leads a growing team of specialist coaches and a structured support ecosystem designed to provide professionally held, evidence-informed guidance for parents navigating high-conflict separation and family court processes.
Learn more at danielleblackcoaching.com.au

This podcast is for educational purposes only and not legal advice. Please seek independent legal, medical, financial, or mental health advice for your situation.

The decisions you make in the early stages of separation can shape your family for years to come. And yet, most parents make critical mistakes during this most vulnerable time - often because they're following well-meaning but misguided advice from friends, family, or even professionals who don't understand child development or the realities of post-separation parenting.
In this episode, Danielle walks through the five most damaging mistakes she sees parents make repeatedly in early separation:
• Avoiding conflict at all costs
• Believing "50/50 is best"
• Believing you need the non-primary parent's agreement for everything 
• Making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions 
• Accepting generic advice for your situation
Each mistake comes with its own version of harm. Each is avoidable when you understand what your children actually need from this transition, and how to advocate for it.
This episode was originally recorded as private content for those on the Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™ waitlist in mid 2025. It is being released publicly because the conversation it opens is one every separating parent deserves to hear early - not after the patterns have set, not after the precedents have been established, but at the moment when getting it right matters most.
If you're navigating the early stages of separation, or supporting someone who is, this is the episode to start with.
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™ is the comprehensive course that takes you the rest of the way.

Explore the supports offered by Danielle Black Coaching
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/the-post-separation-parenting-blueprint-1
AI Danielle - Your 24/7 Digital Coach
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/meet-ai-danielle
1:1 Coaching
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/1-1-coaching
The music you hear in this outro is 'Calm is Credible' - an original track created exclusively for the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast and Danielle Black Coaching.  You can listen to this song, or download free, by visiting danielleblackcoaching.com.au
About Danielle Black Coaching:
Danielle Black is a respected authority in child-focused post-separation parenting in Australia. With over twenty years’ experience across education, counselling and coaching - alongside her own lived experience navigating a complex separation and family court journey - she supports parents to think strategically, build capacity, and protect their children’s safety and wellbeing within complex legal and relational systems.
Through Danielle Black Coaching, she leads a growing team of specialist coaches and a structured support ecosystem designed to provide professionally held, evidence-informed guidance for parents navigating high-conflict separation and family court processes.
Learn more at danielleblackcoaching.com.au

This podcast is for educational purposes only and not legal advice. Please seek independent legal, medical, financial, or mental health advice for your situation.

There is a phrase I have heard, in various forms, from many of my clients over the years:
"If her name was Brian instead of Barb, the recognition and response would have been completely different."
That phrase is the whole problem, distilled into one sentence.
This solo episode is for two audiences at once.
The first is every woman who has experienced family violence or post-separation abuse perpetrated by a female partner - and who has watched as professionals, police, and even community bystanders failed to recognise what was being done to her.  If that is you, I want you to know I see what happened. The pattern is real. The response was inadequate. And it was not because your experience didn't matter - it was because the system we have built to recognise family violence is built on a gendered template, and when neither party fits that template, the template fails.
The second is the post-separation professionals - lawyers, mediators, family report writers, Independent Children's Lawyers, police - who handle these cases without realising how much they are missing. The bias is correctable and this episode is a direct invitation to do better.
In this episode I unpack what the research actually shows about intimate partner violence in lesbian relationships, why minimisation happens so consistently across professional and community contexts, the specific dynamics of stalking and coercive control when both parties are women, and what naming abuse honestly does - and does not - mean for the broader LGBTQIA+ community.
Content note: This episode discusses family violence, post-separation abuse, coercive control, and stalking, including the specific ways these are minimised in lesbian relationships. 
If you need support: 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 (24/7 family violence and sexual assault support, available across Australia) | QLife 1800 184 527 (LGBTQI+ peer support).
Explore the supports offered by Danielle Black Coaching
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/the-post-separation-parenting-blueprint-1
AI Danielle - Your 24/7 Digital Coach
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/meet-ai-danielle
1:1 Coaching
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/1-1-coaching
The music you hear in this outro is 'Calm is Credible' - an original track created exclusively for the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast and Danielle Black Coaching.  You can listen to this song, or download free, by visiting danielleblackcoaching.com.au
About Danielle Black Coaching:
Danielle Black is a respected authority in child-focused post-separation parenting in Australia. With over twenty years’ experience across education, counselling and coaching - alongside her own lived experience navigating a complex separation and family court journey - she supports parents to think strategically, build capacity, and protect their children’s safety and wellbeing within complex legal and relational systems.
Through Danielle Black Coaching, she leads a growing team of specialist coaches and a structured support ecosystem designed to provide professionally held, evidence-informed guidance for parents navigating high-conflict separation and family court processes.
Learn more at danielleblackcoaching.com.au

This podcast is for educational purposes only and not legal advice. Please seek independent legal, medical, financial, or mental health advice for your situation.

This Mother's Day episode is for every mother who knows the day might be complicated.
For the mothers without orders, whose former partners simply deny contact on Mother's Day. For the mothers who get a few hours - children dropped in the morning, collected later that same day, no unhurried time for the burnt toast or the homemade card. 
For the mothers whose former partners will withhold the children; yet again prioritising themselves and their own desire for revenge over the needs and rights of their children.
For the mothers whose children are refusing to spend time with them, and who carry that grief privately. 
For every mother who is going to perform "fine" on Sunday because there are children watching.
And we haven't even touched on those of us who have complicated relationships with our own mothers...
I share something I haven't shared publicly on this podcast before, and I talk about the landscape of Mother's Day for separated mothers still navigating post-separation abuse. 
This episode also introduces the four private audio channels available exclusively to Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™ members: Blueprint Radio, Calm & Grounded Audio Collection, the Stronger Braver Together album, and the Blueprint Audio Library (rolling out from late May 2026).
Content note: This episode discusses the experience of mothers separated from their children on Mother's Day, including through family court proceedings and post-separation abuse. It contains personal disclosure. Please take care of yourself as you listen.
If you need support: Lifeline 13 11 14 | 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Both available 24/7 across Australia.
Explore the supports offered by Danielle Black Coaching
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/the-post-separation-parenting-blueprint-1
AI Danielle - Your 24/7 Digital Coach
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/meet-ai-danielle
1:1 Coaching
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/1-1-coaching
The music you hear in this outro is 'Calm is Credible' - an original track created exclusively for the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast and Danielle Black Coaching.  You can listen to this song, or download free, by visiting danielleblackcoaching.com.au
About Danielle Black Coaching:
Danielle Black is a respected authority in child-focused post-separation parenting in Australia. With over twenty years’ experience across education, counselling and coaching - alongside her own lived experience navigating a complex separation and family court journey - she supports parents to think strategically, build capacity, and protect their children’s safety and wellbeing within complex legal and relational systems.
Through Danielle Black Coaching, she leads a growing team of specialist coaches and a structured support ecosystem designed to provide professionally held, evidence-informed guidance for parents navigating high-conflict separation and family court processes.
Learn more at danielleblackcoaching.com.au

This podcast is for educational purposes only and not legal advice. Please seek independent legal, medical, financial, or mental health advice for your situation.

In this episode, Danielle unpacks something that comes up constantly in her work with clients: the tendency to invalidate our own pain by comparing it to someone else's. To stay in situations that are harmful - not because we can't leave, but because leaving feels harder than staying. To choose the familiar difficulty, the 'comfortable discomfort', over the unfamiliar one, without ever consciously naming it as a choice.
Because here is the truth: everything is hard. Staying is hard. Leaving is hard. Fighting for your children is hard. Giving up is hard. The question is never whether something is hard. The question is which hard you are choosing - and whether that choice is actually serving your children.
In this episode Danielle covers:
Why "someone always has it worse" is both true and completely irrelevant to your situation
The conflict avoidance trap - why staying stuck can feel safer than moving forward, and what that safety is actually costing you
The "choose your biggest problem" framework - and why naming your choices changes everything
The difference between feeling your feelings and living inside them indefinitely
This episode also contains a moment of personal honesty from Danielle about her own experience of suicidal ideation during the hardest period of her post-separation journey - and why she is sharing it.
If you have been feeling like your situation isn't bad enough to justify the way you feel, or if you have been waiting for things to get bad enough before you act, this episode is for you.
As always, this episode is not legal advice and not therapy.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please seek support. • Lifeline: 13 11 14 
• 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732.
Explore the supports offered by Danielle Black Coaching
The Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint™
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/the-post-separation-parenting-blueprint-1
AI Danielle - Your 24/7 Digital Coach
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/meet-ai-danielle
1:1 Coaching
👉 https://www.danielleblackcoaching.com.au/1-1-coaching
The music you hear in this outro is 'Calm is Credible' - an original track created exclusively for the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast and Danielle Black Coaching.  You can listen to this song, or download free, by visiting danielleblackcoaching.com.au
About Danielle Black Coaching:
Danielle Black is a respected authority in child-focused post-separation parenting in Australia. With over twenty years’ experience across education, counselling and coaching - alongside her own lived experience navigating a complex separation and family court journey - she supports parents to think strategically, build capacity, and protect their children’s safety and wellbeing within complex legal and relational systems.
Through Danielle Black Coaching, she leads a growing team of specialist coaches and a structured support ecosystem designed to provide professionally held, evidence-informed guidance for parents navigating high-conflict separation and family court processes.
Learn more at danielleblackcoaching.com.au

This podcast is for educational purposes only and not legal advice. Please seek independent legal, medical, financial, or mental health advice for your situation.