The Divorce Course Podcast

Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof: How to Survive It | The Divorce Course Podcast (Part 2)
🎧 LISTEN IF YOU…
• Are separated but still stuck under one roof
• Were told you "can't leave" without a parenting plan
• Suspect you're being watched through cameras, phone or car
• Are scared to move money or make a move
• Want to plan a safe exit and set real boundaries
⚠️ General education only — not legal or psychological advice. Discusses coercive control, financial & tech abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.
Part 2 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova and Family Law Specialist Lyn Galvin, all about surviving it while you're still in it.
00:00 – Separated but Stuck Under One Roof: You're Not Alone
01:00 – Six-Part Series, Guest Krasi Kirova & How to Send Questions
02:00 – Meet Krasi Kirova & Lyn Galvin
03:00 – Legal & Family Violence Disclaimer
04:00 – Does Coercive Control Continue After Separation? (Sally's Question)
05:00 – The Three Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion
06:00 – Why They Won't Move Out — The New Under-One-Roof Tactic
07:00 – Is Separation Under One Roof Required? Davis & Davis (Sarah's Question)
08:00 – "Can You Make Them Leave?" + When Your Ex Makes Up the Law
10:00 – DARVO Explained + Why Placating Doesn't Work (Nini's Question)
12:00 – How to Prove Escalating Abuse + Judges Are Trained
13:00 – Chronologies as Evidence + The Three-Year "Separation" Trap (Anonymous)
15:00 – The Stuck Feeling Is Entrapment — You Can Leave Without a Plan
17:00 – Cameras, Doorbells & Surveillance In Your Own Home (Loans' Question)
19:00 – Tech-Facilitated Abuse: 70% Is Everyday Tech + The Omnipresence Effect
20:00 – Is My Car Being Tracked? AirTags, Apps & What to Do (Marie's Question)
22:00 – Removing Tech Safely: Order Matters, Sweepers & Bluetooth
24:00 – When Your Ex Uses the Kids to Spy (She Bear's Question)
26:00 – Talking to Your Child About Privacy + Family Reports
28:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Voice for the Psychology Conference
31:00 – Moving Money Without Awakening the Bear (JT's Question)
33:00 – Getting Your Ducks in a Row: The Safest Way to Leave
36:00 – 21 Years In — How Do I Announce I'm Leaving? (Tash's Question)
37:00 – The Shark Analogy: Why "Nicely" Doesn't Change the Reaction
38:00 – "You Moved Money Without My Consent" — Financial Control (Jessie's Question)
40:00 – Boundaries vs Buffers: Why Boundaries Can Backfire (Anonymous)
44:00 – Parenting Apps, Grey Rocking & the Three Anchors
45:00 – Legal Abuse, Comeuppance & the 14% Uplift Case
46:00 – Intervention Orders + A House-Sharing Idea for the Stuck
🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED
Can You Make Them Leave? — https://youtu.be/_XAG5c1hOkU
Tech-Facilitated Abuse (WESNET SafetyNet Australia) — https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k
The Three Anchors with Sonia Bestulic — https://youtu.be/aHULu7ffPj4
Capturing Coercive Control in an Affidavit — https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw
🔗 RESOURCES
1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000
The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Free Before-You-Go Checklist & Tech App Worksheet — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
Share your voice for Krasi's conference (anonymous) — https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
Tech safety — https://techsafety.org.au
Davis & Davis [1984] — the case confirming it's unreasonable to expect separated people to live under one roof
If this episode helped you, please follow, rate, review and share so others stuck under one roof can find it too. Next week: Coercive Control & Financial Abuse.

Listen to this episode if…
You keep asking yourself "is it me, or are they controlling?"

The examples online always sound more extreme than what you're living

You're walking on eggshells but second-guessing whether you're allowed to feel that way

You've been told to "just set boundaries" but it only seems to make things worse

You want to understand coercive control from both a psychological and a family-law angle

Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Warning
This is general education – not legal advice or a psychological diagnosis. It discusses coercive control and abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14.
Episode Summary
"Is it me, or are they controlling?" That question ran under almost every message you sent in – so we turned it into a six-part series, and this is Part 1. Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer the one nearly everyone asked: is this really coercive control?
Krasi shares her three Ds (disrespect, disempowerment, distortion), explains why coercive control is a pattern and a function rather than a list of behaviours, and how good qualities like compromise and empathy get weaponised. Lyn explains how family law treats coercive control differently from the criminal courts.
00:00 – Is It Me, or Are They Controlling?
03:30 – What Best Illustrates Coercive Control? 
04:30 – The Restaurant Metaphor: Pattern, Not a Checklist
06:00 – The 3 Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion
07:30 – Psychology vs Family Law: Section 4AB
09:00 – Family Court vs Criminal Court: Different Tests
10:00 – When You Lose Sight of What's Reasonable 
12:00 – How Compromise & Empathy Get Weaponised
13:00 – When Your Ex Wasn't As "Extreme" as the Examples 
16:00 – Is Anger & Yelling Coercive Control? 
18:00 – Can It Exist Without Financial Control?
19:00 – Repeated Pressure & Monopolised Decisions (
22:00 – Stonewalling, Delay & Deflection 
25:30 – The PA Dynamic & Exploitation 
28:00 – Needy or Controlling? How to Tell the Difference
30:00 – Blame-Shifting, DARVO & Perspecticide
33:00 – Infidelity, Guilt & Trying to Leave 
39:00 – Silent Treatment as Punishment 
43:00 – Why He Does Less When You're Sick 
45:00 – Emotional Abuse vs Coercive Control
47:30 – Can the Main Breadwinner Be Controlled?
53:00 – Why Do They Do It? Can Survivors Heal? 
58:00 – The Anxious, Controlling Attachment Style & 
Have Your Say – Krasi's Conference Call-Out
📌 Have your say: Krasi is presenting on coercive control at the Australian National Psychology Conference. Share what you wish psychologists and therapists understood – anonymously, with optional audio. Link in the show notes. Entry form  https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2
 Resources
The 3 Ds of Coercive Control – the deep-dive episode with Krasi.https://youtu.be/bRmLZBRs--o?si=YZ1951oDofDe_lw7
1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

Section 4AB, Family Law Act 1975 – definition of family violence

Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist

If this helped you start to name what you've been living, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find it too.

Listen to this episode if…
You feel like you're just reacting to whatever your ex or their lawyer throws at you

You're exhausted, foggy, and making life-changing decisions while running on empty

You can't tell anymore whether your choices come from your intuition or from fear

You find it hard to speak up for yourself in mediation, in court, or even to your own lawyer

You've lost a bit of yourself and want practical ways to feel grounded again

You want to move from just surviving your divorce to actually flourishing through it

This podcast is general information only  it is not legal advice. This episode touches on coercive control and post-separation abuse. If you or someone you know is in danger, call 000. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).
If you're feeling stuck in survival mode reacting to every email, every legal letter, every move your ex makes this episode is the deep breath you've been needing. Laura is joined by Sonia Bestulic, award-winning author, speaker and wisdom teacher, whose book Flourish for Mums found Laura right in the middle of her own divorce. Together they unpack what survival mode actually is, why so many of us get stuck in it, and how to gently move out of it.
00:00 – Are You Stuck in Survival Mode During Your Divorce?
01:00 – Meet Sonia Bestulic: Author, Speaker & Wisdom Teacher
03:50 – "I Just Burnt Out": How Survival Mode Shows Up
05:30 – Why Your Mindset Can Affect Your Case as Much as the Law
07:00 – What Survival Mode Really Is (Fight, Flight, Freeze)
08:00 – The Lion Metaphor: A Fuel System Built for Short Bursts
09:30 – The Warning Signs You've Been in Survival Mode Too Long
10:50 – When Post-Separation Abuse Is Designed to Exhaust You
11:40 – The Three Anchors & Building Your Support Team
12:40 – Anchor One: Nourishing Your Intuition (Your Sacred GPS)
14:50 – Coercive Control & Learning to Trust Yourself Again
15:40 – The Morning Body Scan: 15 Minutes That Reset Your Day
18:30 – How to Tell the Difference Between Fear and Intuition
21:30 – Anchor Two: Energetic Integrity & Energy Hygiene
23:30 – Inner Boundaries: What's Mine to Carry and What's Theirs?
25:30 – Choosing When to Read That Email From Your Ex
26:40 – The Power of Nature to Recalibrate Your Nervous System
28:50 – Gratitude: The Highest-Frequency Circuit Breaker
30:00 – The Gratitude Candle & the Kindness Squirrel
32:50 – Anchor Three: Sacred Self-Advocacy
34:50 – Speaking Your Truth Without the Fight Energy
36:40 – Why Energy Speaks First (Even in the Witness Box)
40:40 – Daily Practices: Dance, Laughter, Music & Breath
43:50 – The Cup of Gratitude Ritual
45:40 – The Roots Metaphor: The Deeper the Roots, the Taller We Grow
48:40 – The One Thing You Can Start Today
49:50 – Where to Find Sonia & Her Books
 
1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

Lifeline — 13 11 14

Police — 000 (immediate danger)

The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

The Divorce Course Empowerment Playlist — on Spotify

Sonia Bestulic — books Flourish for Mums and Raising Empowered Humans: Unlocking Kids' Self-Leadership and Lifelong Flourishing (Amazon, global delivery). https://soniabestulic.com.au/

🎧 Listen if…
- You've been told you "can't touch anything" until property settlement is finalised
- You're scared opening your own account will start a fight
- You're watching money vanish from the joint account and can't stop it
- You're the lower earner, worried about being left with nothing while you wait
- You're paying for everything and scared of being called financially abusive if you stop
- You've got a kids' savings or education account and don't know where it fits
Disclaimer: General information and education only, not legal advice. Please consult a family lawyer about your situation.
🛟 Discusses financial abuse & coercive control.

Can you really not touch any money until property settlement? Mum and I unpack what you can and can't do with your bank accounts after separation: the difference between managing day-to-day finances and dividing property, what happens to accounts in your own name versus joint accounts, and how to handle it whether your ex is amicable, high conflict, or controlling. We cover opening a new account, freezing joint accounts, what to do if it's emptied, kids' accounts, child support myths, and the warning signs of financial abuse.
⏱️ CHAPTERS
00:00 – Banking Through Separation: The Questions Everyone's Afraid to Ask
02:00 – Education Only & Why Your Lawyer Comes First
03:00 – The Two Big Myths: "Freeze Everything" vs "Take Everything"
03:30 – Power Dynamics & Who Makes the Early Money Decisions
04:00 – Managing Day-to-Day Finances vs Dividing Property
05:30 – What Happens to Your Bank Accounts When You Separate
06:00 – "It's Yours": Accounts in Your Own Name
07:00 – Joint Accounts & Why You Can Take Your Share
09:30 – Amicable Divorce: Take It, Then Tell Them
11:00 – High Conflict: Don't Stay Beholden to Your Ex
12:30 – Manipulative & Controlling Exes & the Groceries Analogy
13:30 – Is Taking the Money Financial Abuse? Section 4AB Explained
14:00 – Spousal Maintenance & the Joint-Account "Time Bomb"
15:30 – Post-Separation Spending, Wastage & Gollings & Scott
17:30 – Opening Your Own Bank Account (Yes, You Can)
18:30 – Why You Should Choose a Completely Different Bank
20:30 – "Will My Ex Find Out?" Tech Abuse, Passwords & Disclosure
22:30 – Where Should Your Wages Go?
23:00 – Coming Up: A Coercive Control Q&A With Krazi Kirova
23:30 – When Your Ex Won't Move Out or Pay the Bills
24:30 – Reasonableness & How a Judge Will See It
26:00 – Giving Notice, Justifying It & Part N of the Financial Statement
27:00 – The Two People This Goes Badly For
28:30 – Talking to the Bank & Their Limits
29:00 – How to Freeze a Joint Account (Two to Sign)
31:00 – Stopping Large Withdrawals & ATM Limits
32:00 – When the Account Gets Emptied: Spousal Maintenance Options
33:00 – Urgent Spousal Maintenance Orders Explained
35:00 – Protect vs Punish: Two Money Mindsets in Divorce
36:00 – Homework: Talk to Your Bank Anonymously
37:30 – Splitting the Cash 50/50: Does It Lock In Your Settlement?
39:00 – How to Document It (A Text Message Is Enough)
40:30 – Kids' Bank Accounts: Who Controls Them?
41:30 – Splitting Kids' Accounts & Trustee Options
42:30 – Using the Kids' Money to Live On (If You Have To)
43:30 – Kids' Accounts Are Part of the Property Pool & Disclosure
44:00 – Child Support Myths: The "Every Dollar for the Kids" Trap
45:30 – The "Basket of Goods" Approach & Living to Your Means
47:30 – Warning Signs of Financial Abuse
49:30 – Real-Time Spend Alerts, Passwords & Your Safety
50:45 – Day-to-Day Finances vs Property Settlement: The Recap
51:30 – Get on the Mailing List So You're Not Blindsided
52:00 – Final Homework: Go Open That New Bank Account
53:30 – Crochet Corner & Sign Off
54:30 – Commonwealth Bank Next Chapter & Banking Support
🎧 EPISODES 
Technology Abuse / Tech Safety – passwords, devices & safety checklist: https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k
Balancing the Power Dynamic – when one party stalls while the other pushes for settlement: https://youtu.be/coWlWcIq180

1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000
Web: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog
Q&A questions: thedivorcecoursepodcast@gmail.com
CommBank Next Chapter – financial abuse support.
Helped you feel less stuck about your money? Follow, rate, review and share so others can find it too.
All our best,
Laura & Lyn
Your Guides By Your Side
Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen If…
Your child has said they don't want to go to the other parent's house

Your ex keeps saying "once they turn [a certain age] they can choose"

You're worried your child is being pressured, coached, or caught in the middle

You're hearing two completely different stories from your kids at handover

You're amicable and thinking of just "letting the kids decide" (please listen first)

You want to understand how children's views actually reach the court

General information only not legal advice. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your situation.🛟 Discusses family violence & coercive control. In danger: 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.
About This Episode
Mum and I unpack what the Family Law Act actually how children's views really reach a judge (family reports, child impact reports, ICLs), and how kids' wishes play out across the four divorce personality types. 
⏱️ Timeline
00:00 Can a Child Choose Which Parent to Live With? 
02:00 Why the Family Court Won't Ask Kids to Choose 
06:27 The Best Interests of the Child Test (Section 60CC) 
09:06 What Age Can a Child Decide Where to Live?
11:34 How a Child's Wishes Are Actually Heard in Family Law 
13:25 Child-Inclusive Mediation Explained 
15:22 Therapy, Family Reports & Expert Evidence 
19:48 How to Get a Family Report Outside of Court 
22:35 How Family Violence Changes Parenting Decisions 
27:22 2024 Family Law Reforms & Common Custody Myths 
28:29 Can You Force a Teenager to Follow Parenting Orders? 
31:58 The Reality of Enforcing Orders With Teens 
33:03 How to Future-Proof Your Parenting Orders 
34:03 Why Older Teens Have More Say in Where They Live 
34:35 The Manipulative & Controlling Ex: Hidden Motives 
36:42 How to Spot Coercion & Coaching Tactics 
39:04 Love Bombing, Bribery & When the Mask Slips 
41:54 High-Conflict Exes: Kids Caught in the Middle 
45:20 The Avoidant Parent & Parentification 
49:02 Amicable Co-Parents: Why You Still Shouldn't Let Kids Decide 
51:07 Key Takeaways: Voice Heard, Not Decision Made 
54:43 Closing Notes & Legal Disclaimer
🎧 Episodes Mentioned
Decoding the Child's Best Interests Referenced when discussing the full 60CC best-interests factors https://youtu.be/k4-QTbfW8XM?si=4ltIq0y0ceoMQWym

Child-Inclusive Mediation Referenced when discussing how children's views are gathered out of court. https://youtu.be/HrEU6dFc0Ko?si=xvSAyfnMJ9oEfXnN

Handover Hell – When Your Child Refuses to Go Referenced at the end for listeners dealing with handover-day resistance https://youtu.be/YphzOPZmC3k?si=Wf1RwzJMf-ix4N4K

Support & Resources
📞 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732  |  Lifeline 13 11 14  |  Police 000
The Divorce Course → https://www.thedivorcecourse.com.au
If this helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others can find it too.
All our best, Laura & Lyn – Your Guides By Your Side