Ad Navseam

It may seem simple. But getting a crew to rise to the occasion, sail a boat to Colchis, and recover the golden fleece is not exactly baked-in. With the Smashing Symplegades lying staight ahead, for the heroes it's tonight, tonight, or never. But this is the voyage Jason and co. signed up for. Tiphys and everyone else have to pull together. So this episode is a mix, of stern-scraping action - "Look out, rocks!" - strange digressions, musing on the perfect length for an epic simile, and more. Jeff finds Apollonius' descriptions of Athena's action lovely and compelling, but Dave is still left wondering if Jason qualifies for the title of hero, even after all the Hellenestic stretching of the term. So tune in and find out why people say about this show, in the words of Mary Jenkins, "I was here when you came, baby, and I'll be here when you're gone!"

Is life just unrelenting drudgery? Sure, the Psalmist describes it as a "vale of tears". But that bitterness is routinely alleviated by sweet music, good food, tenderness, friendship, the delight of a clever plan coming together (thanks, George Peppard), tears of joy as well as of sorrow. Or at least there is in real life and in Homer's Odyssey. But there doesn't seem to be much (any?) of those things in Christopher Nolan's unrealistic screen adaptation of the famous epic. Jeff and Dave devoted three hours of their lives to seeing the movie, now they ask you to surrender one hour of yours to listen to their screed. Bottom line? Nolan's Odysseus is a flattened, unimaginative, perpetually depressed character. His Calypso is dull, unappealing, merely therapeutic. His Penelope merely regal, not her husband's witty match as in Homer. And the gods? Though frequently mentioned and referenced, and in the case of Zendaya's Athena occasionally seen, the movie would have been pretty much the same without them. In conclusion, despite the stunning visuals, despite the beautiful scenery, give us the shampoo commercial of Wolfgang Peterson's Troy. And don't even get us started on the music. Back to School coupon code for Dr. Noe's Greek and Latin classes : AUTUMN15.

Beggar-boxing as in the Odyssey? Not this time. Apollonius in book 2 of his epic brings out the arrogant king of the Bebrycians, Amycus. He may seem kind enough to his neighbors, but no one goes away from his door without getting challenged for a fisticuffs to the death. Then along comes Jason and crew, who receive no xenia, but quickly put the pugilist Polydeuces up to pummeling the king into compliance. Book 2 also features the fabulous story of Phineus the prophet. Poor guy can see the future, but can never get past the appetizers in his meal, thanks to Zeus, before a Stygian stank ruins it all. Thankfully, the Minyans also have with them the sons of Boreas, the North wind. They cash in some frequent flyer miles and release Phienus from the terrible, chimeric, stench-laden, bird women, and tout suite, Harpy Days are here to stay! Tune in for more epic adventures and a really bad opening pun.

If you're Jason, and you need to find that golden fleece in order to escape the curse of the man with the one sandal, and then get back to your hometown of Iolcus to reclaim the throne from Uncle Stealy, don't let some six-armed heaving monsters, midnight mistaken identity, and the loss of Superman (Heracles) slow you down. This week Jeff and Dave resume their voyage through the story of the Argonauts by polishing off the adventures of Book I. But has any epic hero lacked more luster than this guy? When Hercules goes off to find something to replace his now toothpicked oar, and his trustee squire Hylas gets nymphnapped, the hulking brute is off the boat from grief and on the hunt for the ensnared lad. This is the perfect time for Jason to step up, act like Achilles, Aeneas, or at least Odysseus. Instead, the whole nested tale has more than a Whiff of Elpenor™ quality to it, and Jason sits brooding, quietly. Tune in to take a deeper look into this Hellenistic epic. Is it big book, big problem, à la Callimachus, or does Apollonius win this round?

Catch a quick bite of the Classics this week courtesy of 'Doug' at Etymonline. On the menu is a discussion of the first English dictionary, the Latinate tome of Henry Cockeram, 1623. Jeff and Dave also stratuminate your path toward the labors of Sir Thomas Elyot, another aspiring neologist who sought to beef up the paucity of the English verbalate with some gems exveined of Latin. The question is, does English with its popping and snapping monosyllables really have room for meridiation ("a sleeping at noone-tide"), desipiate ("to wax foolish"), and galluate ("beginne to have a big voice")? Hard to say, but we advise that you just morigerate ("do as commanded"), stop secubating ("lying about by one's selfe"), and knock off any desire to bubulcitate ("cry like a cowboy"). Rather, transliminate the vomitorium with us! It'll be persebonate, and we make that claim with all bellitude.