HPR4484: When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic
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When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic
So there I am, sitting in the waiting room with a mildly annoying
toothache. Nothing catastrophic, just one of those dull throbs
that tells you something's going on in there that could turn nasty
if ignored. The receptionist calls my name, and I walk into Dr.
ChatControl's office.
Dr. ChatControl greets me with a concerned expression. "I've
reviewed your case," he says gravely, "and many others. Toothaches
are a serious problem. Did you know that in 2023 alone, at least
101,988 people in Europe experienced dental pain? That's over 60%
of all global dental complaints traced to this region."
"Okay," I say. "But I just need you to look at this one tooth"
"This is an epidemic," he interrupts. "And we can't just treat
symptoms anymore. We need a comprehensive, mandatory risk
assessment."
Dr. ChatControl pulls out a 47-page questionnaire. "First, we
assess the risk that your mouth might develop cavities, gum
disease, or oral cancer," he explained. "This applies to everyone,
regardless of whether they have symptoms."
"But I have symptoms," I sigh. "That's why I'm here."
"Exactly!" he says triumphantly. Which means you're high-risk. So
we move to Phase Two: mitigation measures."
He hands me a pamphlet titled
Safety-by-Design for Oral Health
. "From now on, you'll need to implement parental controls on your
diet. Every candy will come with an age verification wrapper and
user reporting mechanisms. so your teeth can flag potential
problems, and verify your age before consuming any hard foods."
"I'm 38," I retort.
"Perfect," he replies. "That means you're old enough to consent to
monitoring."
"Now," Dr. ChatControl continues, "since your mitigation measures
haven't been implemented yet because you just got here - I'm
authorized to issue a detection order." He holds up an
official-looking document with a judge's signature. "This allows
me to scan not just the tooth that hurts, but your entire mouth.
Also your sinuses. And your lymph nodes. And, just to be thorough,
everyone in the waiting room."
"Wait, what?" I blurt out.
"It's targeted," he assures me. "We're only scanning high-risk
areas—which, according to our independent EU Dental Centre, is
every tooth, every patient, all the time."
"But here's the clever part," Dr. ChatControl says, pulling out
what looks like a tiny sander strapped to an airbrush.
"Well, your enamel contains layers that currently block our view
with regards to early detection of certain viruses. So we need to
replace the enamel with an optimized layer that perfectly protects
against currently known sugars and acids but allows our government
approved detection equipment to inspect the content of your
teeth."
I' flabberghasted. "You want to weaken my enamel?"
"Only slightly!" he said cheerfully. "Just enough so that our
scanner can monitor what's happening inside your teeth at all
times. Don't worry,the new enamel will still protect you from
everything else."
"How's that possible if you can penetrate it?", I continue, still
cautious.
"Well, factory approved candies, for example," he says. "Reputable
candy manufacturers have agreed to respect the adapted enamel and
not penetrate it. They've signed a treaty to use optimized
sugars."
"And the artisanal candies?" I asked.
"Ah," he said, adjusting his glasses. "Well, those are obviously
illegal! Those criminals don't tend to honor treaties. So yes, the
adapted enamel will make your teeth more vulnerable to
unauthorized cavity formation, bacterial attacks, and anyone who
wants to exploit the fact that your natural protection has been
replaced with a see-through version."
"So you're making my teeth less secure," I repeat.
"We're making them more observable," he corrects, with a slightly
annoyed tone. "There's a difference. Your teeth will still be
protected, just not from us. Or hostile foreign candy shops. Or
those criminal artisanal real-sugar-nuts. But you have no business
there anyway. But they definitely protect against harms from
law-abiding candy!"
"But... Over 500 leading dentists signed a letter saying this
would create massive vulnerabilities", I point out.
"Those dentists aren't thinking about long term dental hygiene."
Dr. ChatControl sighs dismissively. "Besides, it's not a backdoor
if we're replacing your front door with a tinted glass door given
all our citizens are law abiding!"
His tone gets sterner if he continues: "Let me say more, If you
refuse to upgrade your enamel, we will consider you a risk of
dental terrorism. This no longer is about only your teeth, you
must know. If you choose to blatantly ignore your teeth, you are a
threat to society!"
"But... The whole reason I am here, is because I care about my
teeth..."
The docter holds up his machine and asks: "Do you want me to treat
you or report you?"
Oh, whatever, it seems everybody is doing this. I don't want to be
the outcast crying wolf all the time. So I cave in. The procedure
doesn't feel painful, so that's a relief.
After completing the baseline scan, Dr. ChatControl frowns at the
screen: "This is concerning," he says. "The system has flagged
8,412 potential cavities."
"But I only have 32 teeth," I wimper.
"The detection algorithm works on a probabilistic model," he
explains. "Swiss dental authorities report that about 80% of
automated cavity reports are false positives, so we'll need to
investigate all of them."
"That still means 1,682 of those threats are real", I sigh.
"Which is still 1,682 too many!" Dr. ChatControl blurts. "Now,
I'll need to drill exploratory holes in every tooth, in your gums,
your tongue, and —just to be safe— your neighbor's mouth, because
the system flagged them too when they walked past the waiting
room."
"This seems insane," I say.
"The math is solid," he insists. "Even at 99.999% accuracy —which
doesn't exist— we'd still generate 100,000 false dental alerts per
day across Europe's 450 million people. But we can't let cavities
win."
While Dr. ChatControl explains his flawless system, I notice how
the tooth that actually is hurting —the one I came in to fix— is
starting to abscess.
"Uh, Doctor," I say, pointing to the swelling.
"We'll get to that after we finish scanning everyone," he says
dismissively. "The important thing is that no cavity goes
undetected, even if that means we spend all our time investigating
healthy teeth."
"But the actual problem is getting worse," I said.
"That's because sophisticated cavities have learned to evade
detection," Dr. ChatControl explains. "They change their
appearance slightly —maybe grow on the back of the tooth instead
of the front, or hide under existing fillings. Our algorithms
can't catch those."
"What about that letter from those 500 dentists? They also claim
this detection method is technically infeasible." I try again.
"They're just not thinking big enough", the doctor blocks my
argument.
"So here's the treatment plan," Dr. ChatControl says, "We're going
to install a permanent scanning device in your jaw that monitors
every tooth, 24/7, and reports any suspicious activity to a
centralized EU Dental Database."
"That sounds like a massive security risk," I said.
"Not at all!" he replied. "The device is encrypted. Only our
scanners can look behind your upgraded enamel. What leaves your
tooth, is already encrypted. No other device than ours, can read
the data, so your privacy is intact."
"So what about those knock-offs you can buy on Ali Express?" I
ask.
"Oh, but they don't work reliably. And also: Why would hackers
want access to your teeth?" he scoffed.
"Although, now that I think about it, the device itself would make
a high-value target for malicious actors, Als they could abuse
them to learn how to make knock-off candy that doesn't get
detected by the scanners. Things your natural enamel obviously
protects against. But let's not dwell on that."
"By the way," Dr. ChatControl adds casually, "EU politicians and
government officials are exempt from this scanning requirement
under 'professional dental secrecy.'"
"So their teeth don't get monitored?" I ask.
"Correct," he says. "Their oral health is a matter of public
trust. Yours, however, requires constant surveillance."
"That seems like a double standard," I say.
"It's a two-tier system for a two-tier society," he replies
pleasantly. "Now, shall we proceed with installing the jaw
monitor?"
By this point, my actual toothache is developing into a full-blown
infection. The pain is excruciating.
"Doctor, I need antibiotics and a root canal," I cry.
"We don't do targeted treatments anymore," Dr. ChatControl says.
"That's the old model. Now we focus on comprehensive, mandatory
monitoring."
"But I'm going to lose the tooth," I say.
"Perhaps," he acknowledges. "But while we were scanning everyone
in the waiting room, we found three people with slightly
suspicious molars! They're perfectly healthy now, but they could
develop cavities someday. That's three potential problems
prevented!"
"But my actual problem isn't being prevented," I point out. "It's
getting worse."
"Well yes," he admits. "But we've invested so much in the scanning
infrastructure that we can't really afford to do traditional
dentistry anymore. The system needs to justify itself, you
understand."
"This is insane," I repeat.
"This is
progress
," he corrects me.
As I' left 'm leaving the office —untreated, in pain, and with a
jaw full of surveillance equipment— I notice a sign on the door:
"Signal Dental, Orthodontics Threema, and Proton Mouthcare have
ceased operations in the EU due to incompatibility with
mandatory scanning requirements."
Apparently, the dentists who actually know how to fix teeth
without installing spyware have all moved to Switzerland.
Meanwhile, I hear the voice of Dr. ChatControl behind me in the
waiting room, announcing to everyone: "We've successfully detected
6,847 potential cavities this week!" When someone asks what he
means by potential, he quietly answers: "Only 11 were real, but
that's 11 teeth saved!"
The infection is still spreading and I'll probably loose my tooth
after all because nobody actually is treating it. But at least the
healthy ones are under constant surveillance.
I made fun of it. But it's not funny. It's about wasting loads of
money on a noble goal in all the wrong ways. But next week the
vote will be cast in the EU. So it's high time to reach out to
your MEP and ask their stance if they are undecided or worse - are
in favor. Go to fightchatcontrol.eu if you live in Europe.
Oh, and if you don't live in Europe... This will also impact you.
Because weakened encryption in mainstream products will most
certainly spread.
Time to act
Fight current Chat Control legislation:
fightchatcontrol.eu
References and Sources used
Estonian Public Broadcasting. (2025, September 15).
Experts: European Union's 'chat control' plan a blow to free
speech.
Privacy Guides explaining why it must be stopped
Michel Portier, Lecturer at Hogeschool Arnhem and Nijmegen,
MSc Cybersecurity and
Patrick Breyer, former MEP
Open Letter from 500+ Scientists and Cryptographers (2025,
September 9).
Open letter on the EU's proposed Child Sexual Abuse Regulation
Joint statement
Breyer, P. (2025, September 9). 'Danger to Democracy':
500+ Top Scientists Urge EU Governments to Reject 'Technically
Infeasible' Chat Control.
Breyer, P. (2025).
Chat Control: The EU's CSAM scanner proposal.
Private Internet Access. (2025).
Chat Control, EU's Plan for Real-Time Mass Surveillance Takes
a Dramatic Turn.
European Digital Rights (EDRi). (2023, August).
Fact-checking of top 9 claims made on the CSA Regulation.
Internet Watch Foundation. (2024).
2024 Annual Insights and Data Report.
European Commission. (2022, May 11).
[Proposal for a Regulation laying down rules to prevent and
combat child sexual abuse COM(2022) 209 final.](
https://eur-lex.europa.eu/legal-content/EN/TXT/HTML/?uri=CELEX%3A52022PC0209
)
European Commission. (2023, December 19).
Report on the implementation of Regulation (EU) 2021/1232
(temporary derogation/"Chat Control 1.0").
Anderson, R. (2022).
Chat Control or Child Protection? Research paper
. University of Cambridge.
Computer Weekly. (2025, September 11).
Chat Control: EU to decide on requirement for tech firms to
scan encrypted messages.
Multiple security researchers. (2021).
Bugs in Our Pockets: The Risks of Client-Side Scanning
.
Salt Typhoon: Chinese hacking operation exploits US telecom
backdoors
.
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