How Releasing the Need to Be Right Can Heal Co-Dependency and Shame
Do you ever feel like you have to be "right" in order to feel safe? Or that if you could just figure out the answer, the relationship, or the next step, then the anxiety and shame would finally go away? If so, you're not alone. Many women stuck in co-dependency and complex shame cling to certainty as a way to feel secure—but often it only leaves us more exhausted, more disconnected, and further from ourselves. In this episode of Stronger in the Difficult Places, I sit down with Stefani Ruper - Oxford-trained philosopher, former Harvard researcher, and author of the forthcoming book The Certainty Cure. Stefani shares why releasing certainty and embracing curiosity can transform the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and our healing journey. We talk about: • Why certainty addiction keeps women stuck in cycles of co-dependency and shame • How uncertainty fuels personal growth and builds resilience • What curiosity looks like in daily life (even in arguments or moments of shame) • How to stay grounded when everything feels uncertain • Practical ways to release the need to be right and rediscover who you are If you're ready to stop chasing control and start healing by embracing the unknown, this conversation will give you hope and practical steps forward. Connect with Stefani Ruper: • Instagram: @stefani.ruper • Facebook: facebook.com/stefani.ruper • X: @stefaniruper • Substack: stefaniruper.substack.com Resources & Next Steps: Join the Stronger Woman Collective waitlist: here Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement. Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love. Buy my book Stronger In The Difficult Places: here Free Downloads: Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend and leave a review. Your reviews help more women untangle shame, break free from co-dependency, and discover the strength to live with curiosity.
--------
43:49
--------
43:49
When Someone You Love Won't Change
We've all been there—wishing someone we love would finally be different. Maybe it's a spouse who won't listen, a parent who won't soften, or a friend who keeps repeating the same destructive patterns. The temptation is to pour our energy into fixing them—but what if the real path to peace and change begins with you? In this episode, I unpack why clinging to the hope that someone will change can keep you stuck, frustrated, and resentful. I offer practical, compassionate steps for accepting people as they are, protecting your worth with boundaries, and reclaiming your peace. Because the truth is, the second you change, the entire relationship changes. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Why trying to "fix" others only deepens disappointment and conflict How radical acceptance creates peace and clarity The trap of wasting energy on why someone won't change How to set boundaries without losing yourself The surprising freedom that comes when you stop needing others to change Encouragement: You don't need to wait for someone else to transform before you can breathe again. Peace doesn't come when they change—it comes when you stop needing them to. Resources & Next Steps: Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement. Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love. Order the book Stronger in the Difficult Places: drzoeshaw.com/book Free Downloads: Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend who needs hope in their relationships. And don't forget to subscribe to Stronger in the Difficult Places so you never miss an episode.
--------
16:19
--------
16:19
3 Things My Divorce Taught Me About Co-Dependency
What do you even call a divorce anniversary? Two years after the end of my marriage, I find myself reflecting—not on celebration, but on growth, healing, and the lessons heartbreak leaves behind. In this deeply personal episode, I'm sharing the three truths divorce taught me about co-dependency and how I'm learning to live and love differently. Whether you're walking through the rubble of a relationship, navigating the lonely spaces of divorce, or stepping into love again with a hopeful but shaky heart, these lessons are for you. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Why self-regulation must come before co-regulation and the practical ways you can ground yourself before leaning on someone else. The surprising difference between being alone and being lonely, and how solitude can actually become sacred. How boundaries create freedom, why they aren't rejection, but an invitation to authentic love. This Episode Is For You If… You've struggled with co-dependency or shame in relationships. You're navigating divorce, separation, or stepping into new love after loss. You want to stop abandoning yourself in relationships and learn how to show up fully as you. Resources & Next Steps: Connect with me on Instagram @drzoeshaw for daily encouragement. Subscribe to my newsletter for more conversations on healing, boundaries, and healthy love. Order the book Stronger in the Difficult Places drzoeshaw.com/book Free Downloads: Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here Share this episode with a friend who needs a reminder: you are not too much, and you are not alone.
--------
14:42
--------
14:42
The "Saving Him" Illusion: Love, Loss, and Finding Freedom
So many women in difficult relationships hold onto a dangerous belief: if I just love him enough, I can save him. Psychotherapist and author Shavaun Scott knows this illusion all too well. In her memoir Nightbird (Pierian Springs Press, May 12), she unflinchingly shares her journey through an emotionally abusive marriage, her husband's tragic suicide, and the painful yet liberating process of rebuilding her life. In this conversation, Shavaun and I explore: Why so many women feel responsible for "saving" their partners—and how that belief keeps us trapped. How suicide or the threat of can be a control tactic and how greater awareness leads to compassion. The structural and emotional barriers that keep survivors in cycles of abuse—and what it takes to break free. How trauma, grief, and loss can become unlikely catalysts for healing, self-discovery, and even freedom. The power of authentic connection in reclaiming identity and rebuilding after devastation. Shavaun's story is raw, sobering, and ultimately full of hope. Whether you've faced abuse, grappled with loss, or love someone who has, her voice is a reminder that healing is possible, and freedom is worth fighting for. Learn more about Shavaun's work and her book Nightbird at shavaunscott.com. Pre-order my book Stronger In The Difficult Places: drzoeshaw.com/book Free Downloads: Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here Connect with me: Dr. Zoe Shaw on Instagram Dr. Zoe Shaw on Facebook Dr. Zoe Shaw Website
--------
30:39
--------
30:39
Listen Like You Mean It - The Relationship Shift That Starts With Listening
In a world where we're taught to speak up, make our point, and persuade, the skill of listening often gets overlooked—and undervalued. Yet listening, when done well, can transform our relationships far more than talking or lecturing ever could. In this episode of Stronger in the Difficult Places, Dr. Zoe sits down with Licensed Professional Counselor Gina Yanovitch to explore how truly hearing others can deepen understanding, foster connection, and defuse conflict. Gina, author of Stop Avoiding It, shares how coping skills, neuroscience, and scripture can help us move out of our emotional minds, embrace uncertainty, and navigate hard conversations with grace. What We Discuss in This Episode: Why listening is a more powerful relationship tool than talking or persuading How better listening can help you understand your partner on a deeper level The connection between coping skills and flexibility in problem-solving How to move out of your emotional mind and resist the urge to avoid discomfort The role of uncertainty and change in personal growth About Gina Yanovitch: Gina Yanovitch is a Licensed Professional Counselor in sunny Phoenix, Arizona, specializing in trauma and relationships. In her new book, Stop Avoiding It, she equips readers with tools to face difficult emotions and conversations head-on—combining practical coping skills, brain science, and spiritual wisdom. Connect with Gina: Stop Avoiding It: stopavoidingit.com Website: mindhelm.org Instagram: @mind_helm Pre-order my book Stronger In The Difficult Places: drzoeshaw.com/book Free Downloads: Download the Steps to Healing from Complex Shame™ PDF: here Get the First Chapter of Stronger in the Difficult Places: here Connect with me: Dr. Zoe Shaw on Instagram Dr. Zoe Shaw on Facebook Dr. Zoe Shaw Website
Dr. Zoe, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach walks with you on your journey through fixing your difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. Here, she offers a space where you can look at yourself and your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith and a dash of her own kind of feminism. Stronger in the broken places podcasts hosts guest from all over the world, from celebrity tv therapists to everyday women, authors and scientists, offering therapeutic tips, encouragement, camaraderie and support, helping women stay strong and transform difficult relationships.
We're not fixing them, we're fixing you and that changes everything!
Ask Dr. Zoe a burning relationship question
https://www.drzoeshaw.com
Or find her on Instagram
@drzoeshaw
Ireland