Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? Unpacking Trauma & Shame
Why do people stay in relationships that hurt them? This month on the Too Into You Podcast, we dive into the complex links between love, shame, and trauma.
Mary is flying solo for this episode while Madeline is away, but she’s joined by Suzanna Knight and Niamh Wilson from Women’s Aid’s Training Department. With over 30 years’ combined experience, they’re experts in coercive control and the impact of trauma in intimate relationships.
Together, we unpack what a trauma bond really is, how shame keeps people feeling stuck, and why leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as “just walking away.”
We’ll explore:
How trauma bonds are formed in abusive relationships.
The role shame plays in keeping survivors silent.
Why your brain and body respond the way they do.
The antidote to trauma
If you’ve ever wondered “Why didn’t they leave?” or asked yourself “Why do I feel this way?”, this episode will give you real answers, and remind you that you’re not alone.
If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship you can:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.
Follow @toointoyou on TikTok and Instagram, and don’t forget to leave us a review and comment.
Chapters:
00:00 - Intro
03:19 – What is trauma?
06:49 - Fight, flight and freeze – Why Your Body Reacts This Way
16.45 – How abusers use shame to keep you trapped
25.51 – Trauma Bonds: Why Leaving Isn’t Simple
28.49 – Why do people control their partners?
31.48 – Healing: The antidote to trauma and shame
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The truth about her ‘sex tape’ ft Alexandra Ryan
TW: Episode mentions suicide, suicidal ideation, image based sexual abuse, sexual abuse, coercive control.
In this powerful episode of Too Into You, host Mary Hayes sits down with Alexandra Ryan, award winning journalist, law graduate, founder and CEO of Goss.ie and survivor of image based sexual abuse.
When Ali was 25, she was filmed, without her knowledge or consent, having sex with a man she knew and trusted. She bravely shared her story on Goss.ie and has gone on to advocate for survivors of image based sexual abuse. Ali now acts as an Ambassador for the Department for the Justice and helped them launch a campaign to combat the sharing of intimate images without consent.
In this episode, we talk about:
The real impact on victims — from shame and isolation to rebuilding trust.
What does ‘revenge porn’ really mean?
Coco’s Law and changes in Irish law that criminalise intimate image abuse.
The pressures young women face to send nudes and sexually explicit imagery.
Why it’s never your fault and what support is out there.
If someone shares or even threatens to share explicit images or videos of you without your permission, this is image based sexual abuse and it is a crime.
If this has happened to you, you can:
Learn more at: https://www.toointoyou.ie/get-help/sharing-of-intimate-images/
Report it at: https://hotline.ie/
Read Ali’s full story here: https://goss.ie/gallery/featured-2-the-truth-about-my-sex-tape-by-alexandra-ryan-232458-232458
If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship you can:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.
Follow @toointoyou on TikTok and Instagram, and don’t forget to leave us a review and comment.
Chapters:
00:00 - Intro
01:40 – Who is Ali Ryan?
09:23 – Ali’s story and the impact of image based sexual abuse
22:46 – The truth about ‘revenge porn’
26:12 – Taking back control and going public
29:32 – Pressure, porn and consent
37:00 – Shifting the public conversation
47.29 – A message of hope for anyone affected
49:49 – Episode wrap up with Madeline Campbell
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Emotional Abuse 101: It’s Not Just in Your Head
Ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationship? Or like your partner blames for their actions? Or like things are moving way too fast in the honeymoon stage?
You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault.
In this episode of the Too Into You podcast, we break down emotional abuse in young relationships, what it is, how it shows up, and why it’s so harmful.
We dive into the early red flags like love bombing, gaslighting, negging, and isolation, and explore how they chip away at your confidence and leave you feeling confused, anxious, or stuck.
Whether you’re in a relationship, just getting out of one, or want to help a friend, this episode is here to remind you: real love doesn’t make you feel small.
Because emotional abuse is real, it’s serious, and you deserve better.
TW: Episode mentions domestic abuse, emotional abuse, intimate partner abuse, physical abuse and financial abuse.
If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Both are completely free and confidential.
Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.
Follow @toointoyou on TikTok and Instagram.
Chapters
00:00 Intro
02:16 What is Emotional Abuse?
06:20 What is Love bombing?
15:00 What is Gaslighting?
26:10 What is Negging?
31:41 What about Isolation
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Worried About Your Relationship and Scared to Reach Out? This Is What You Can Expect ft Women’s Aid
Thinking about reaching out for help but not sure what to expect? In this episode, we chat Linda Smith, Head of National Helpline Services, and Eavan Ward, Head of Regional Services, from Women’s Aid to break down what actually happens when you ask for support.
We break down:
What it’s like to call the Women’s Aid Helpline or use the chat service at toointoyou.ie
What to expect from an appointment with Women’s Aid
What it’s like to report abuse to the Gardaí
How to gather evidence of abuse
And much more
Whether you’re in a relationship that feels off, worried about a friend, or just unsure if what you're experiencing is OK—this episode is for you. No judgment, no pressure—just honest answers.
TW: Episode mentions domestic abuse, emotional abuse, intimate partner abuse, physical abuse and financial abuse.
If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Both are completely free and confidential.
Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.
Follow @toointoyou on TikTok and Instagram.
Chapters:
00:00 - Intro
04:35 Are the support services right for me?
07:53 “My situation isn’t bad enough” and “ I don’t want to take time from someone who really needs it.”
11:13 What are the things people ask about on the helpline?
13:18 Staying together for the kids?
17:17 If I call Women’s Aid, will they just tell me to break up?
18:30 What happens when I call the Helpline? What will I be asked?
23:18 What to expect from an appointment with Women’s Aid?
25:33 What is the Drop in Service? How to get a Protection Order?
28:28 What to expect when you go to the Gardaí?
31:03 How to gather evidence of abuse
34:54 A message of hope for you
37:27 Episode chat with Madeline Campbell
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Control Isn’t Love: Abuse in LGBTQ+ Relationships
On this episode, we chat to James O’Hagan from LGBT Ireland. James coordinates the LGBTQI+ Intimate Partner Violence Network.
We’ll be chatting about things like:
- Does abuse happen in LGBTQ+ relationships?
- What are the red flags of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships?
- What does a healthy queer relationship look like?
- Where can young LGBTQ+ people find support?
Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.
Remember, if you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Both are completely free and confidential.
Contact LGBT Ireland:
Call National LGBT Helpline on 1800 929 539
Find information and support at lgbt.ie
Don’t forget to give us a 5 star rating and leave a comment
Chapters
00:00 Intro
04:01 Who is LGBT Ireland and LGBTQI+ Community Intimate Partner Abuse Network
06:17 How coming out impacts young LGBTQ+ relationships
14:38 Common red flags of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships
18:41 Dating someone who is already out
22:13 How abuse happens in LGBTQ+ relationships
26:10 Barriers to seeking support
29:08 Where to go for support
31:34 Supporting a friend or family member
34:00 Episode chat with Madeline Campbell
The Too Into You podcast from Women’s Aid is here to explore the difference between love that lifts you up, and love that holds you back. With expert insights, real stories, and honest conversations, each episode will unpack red flags, celebrate green flags, and help you spot when someone is too into you. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship:
Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.
Chat for support at toointoyou.ie
Both are completely free and confidential.
Ireland