Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

Have you noticed how leaving the narcissist didn't bring YOU back? Why you still feel blank, indecisive, and disconnected from yourself long after the relationship ended?

In this episode, Kerry and author Meg Tuohey unpack the hidden mechanics behind identity erasure after narcissistic abuse. How chronic gaslighting, control, and survival-mode living shut down your inner signal, keep your nervous system dysregulated, and keep you abandoning yourself to stay safe. It's about coherence — and how to rebuild it.

WANT TO GO DEEPER?

In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Meg get practical. Learn how to spot your personal coherence signals vs. dysregulation. Discover the "small things often" protocol to down-regulate, recalibrate, and return to yourself, and how the 80% rule stops perfectionism from hijacking your healing.

Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse

MEG TUOHEY is the author of Heartprint, a framework for reconnecting with inner wisdom, breaking limiting patterns, and reclaiming authentic identity after toxic relationships.
Website: https://megantuohey.com/
HeartPrint: Unlock the Wisdom of You: https://link.amazon/B00KU6ghh

00:00 We lose who we really are
01:08 Meet Meg Tuohey and HeartPrint
02:09 Childhood "browser tabs" that never close
04:28 Why we keep repeating painful patterns
08:20 Why "why me?" never closes the loop
10:25 How did a psychologist marry a psychopath?
10:57 There's no one fix for healing
12:44 The gap between who you are and how you live
14:30 What losing yourself feels like
16:32 The thread that tells you who you are
18:23 It takes one person to lead the change
21:21 Diagnosed autistic at 57: fitting in vs. belonging
24:32 When your life matches who you really are
26:26 "How do I know I'm not being selfish?"
29:01 Where to find Meg Tuohey
30:11 Podcast extra preview

#Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaBonding #CPTSD #ToxicRelationships #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse #MentalHealth

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Walked away feeling like you were the problem? Take the free reflection quiz, Am I Really the Villain? → https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/villain

Why is it so hard to walk away from someone who seems so wounded?

Falling for a sob story isn’t naïve, and caring was never the mistake. Covert narcissists don’t win you over with charm. They recruit your conscience.

In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains how vulnerable narcissists use pity, crisis, and guilt to make you feel needed, and why that pull is even harder to spot than flattery. Learn the signs that separate someone who truly deserves your concern from someone who’s playing on it.

In this episode, learn:
1. Why grandiose narcissists make you feel chosen, while covert narcissists make you feel needed
2. How a sob story opens the door,
3. Why pulling away sets off collapse, guilt campaigns, and crisis
4. How to listen without rushing to rescue, and the two things to watch for

0:00 Have You Ever Felt Sorry for Someone?

1:35 Why Covert Narcissists Are the Hardest to Spot

3:48 Playing the Victim (or the Martyr)

5:44 Chosen vs. Needed

7:07 "Only You Can Help Me": The Trap

8:48 The Prize vs. the Rescuer

10:47 Why It's So Hard to Leave

12:30 What Happens When You Pull Back

13:33 Why Pity Works Better Than Charm

15:20 They Used Your Best Qualities Against You

16:28 The Partner Who Faked an Illness

19:08 How to Tell Who Deserves Your Concern

#CovertNarcissist #VulnerableNarcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #EmotionalManipulation #SignsOfANarcissist #NarcissisticRelationship #GuiltTripping #TraumaBond #MentalHealth

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Walked away feeling like you were the problem? Take the free reflection quiz, Am I Really the Villain? → https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/villain

Have you ever walked away from a fight feeling like the villain in a story you didn't write? Apologizing for things you didn't do, carrying shame that didn't start with you?

In this episode, Kerry and psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee take on projective identification — the hidden mechanism behind narcissist projection. They explore why narcissists need you to be the villain. How they create a caricature version of you and then dump contempt and shame onto that image.

WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the guilt and anxiety that hits when you stop playing the role. Learn why feeling guilty means you're doing something different, not something wrong.

Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse

LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/

00:00 Why narcissists make you the villain

00:29 What is projective identification?

03:32 We never interact with the real person

06:37 Why a worn-down self absorbs their projections

10:17 Why some insults stick and others bounce off

13:06 Healthy projection vs. dumping it on you

15:30 When they blame you for their own distress

16:38 Love bombing is projection too

18:33 Do they know what they're doing?

20:08 The husband who "forgot"

21:33 Why survivors miss deliberate cruelty

24:22 The jar lids story

26:05 The version of you they create

29:10 Lynn's work with abuse survivors

32:38 Coming up in the Podcast Extra

#Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #ProjectiveIdentification #NarcissistProjection #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicRelationships #DARVO #TraumaBonding #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

They didn't hide who they were. They told you on the first date—it’s just that nobody ever gave you the dictionary to read it.

In this highlight from Kerry's weekly live Q&A, she walks through the language manipulative people use from the very beginning, drawing on Jenny Young's research into how dangerous people reveal themselves in their own words. She shares the first-date moment she now recognizes as the earliest warning sign, and a story she's never told before about the night one sentence ended her relationship: "I can't believe you'd think that of me."

In this episode, learn:
1. Why rules and non-negotiables before they even know you signal signs of high level of control
2. How "treat me right and I'll treat you like royalty" turns love into a ledger
3. The test-and-apologize tactic: pushing a boundary, then saying sorry to see how much you'll put up with
4. Why a simple question gets met with sudden hurt, and what that timing tells you
5. Three questions that reveal whether there's any room for you in the relationship

00:00 They aren't hiding who they are, they're managing it
02:12 Disciplinary directive: Jenny Young's #1 red flag
04:59 Conditional decency: kindness you have to earn
06:50 Listen to their metaphors
08:28 Test and apologize
10:57 The absence of you
13:32 3 questions to ask in a new relationship
14:07 Sudden woundedness: "I can't believe you'd think that of me"
16:14 Repair is where relationships deepen
18:01 Charm that arrives on cue
19:46 You thought you were both speaking English

#NarcissistRedFlags #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #RedFlagsInRelationships #DatingRedFlags #ManipulationTactics #DARVO #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #TraumaRecovery

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it?

When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening.

If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps.

https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey

Why does your voice disappear the moment you need it most?

Freezing isn’t weakness, and it isn’t going along with it. It’s your body making a survival decision faster than your thinking brain can.

In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains what really happens inside the body and brain when you lock up under threat. Learn the six concrete steps to crack a freeze when it’s happening.

In this episode, learn:
1. Why your body acts before your brain can think
2. The difference between freezing and full collapse
3. Why you literally can’t speak in the moment, and how fear and shame form a “double lock” on your voice
4. Six steps to break a freeze

00:00 Why your body freezes when you're in danger

00:40 What freezing really feels like

02:02 Your amygdala acts before you can think

03:50 Why some of us freeze instead of fight

06:36 Freeze vs. collapse: a reflex, not a choice

09:27 I froze on my honeymoon

10:33 Why your voice disappears

12:36 Frozen in my marriage

13:47 How to break a freeze, step by step

17:27 The man with the knife

19:36 Can you train yourself out of a freeze?

20:56 The Cornell Seven: why even strong men freeze

#FreezeResponse #TraumaResponse #FightFlightFreezeFawn #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #SurvivalMode #FreezingIsNotConsent #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth

Resources

The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources

First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course

Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

Follow Kerry!

Youtube

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust.

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada).
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices