Awakening Now

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In this episode of Awakening Now, Ilona Ciunaite is joined by Steven D’Souza — author, leadership guide, and creator of Leading From the Dark — for a deep conversation about shadow work, awakening, and becoming more human.
Steven describes the shadow as “the me I don’t see,” and together we explore how it shows up through projection, strong emotional reactions, and repeating patterns that feel disproportionate to the moment. We look at how shadow material often reveals itself first in the body — as tightening, guarding, contraction, or emotional charge — and how these signals can become doorways to integration rather than problems to fix.
The conversation moves through Steven’s own spiritual journey, from a traditional Catholic upbringing and time exploring the priesthood, to decades of work with leaders and organizations around the world. He shares how he approaches shadow work through multiple lenses — psychological, biological, systemic, and spiritual — and why the “dark” can be a place of transformation, like a seed in the earth or a baby in the womb.
This episode is for seekers who have seen clarity and still meet contraction, for leaders interested in depth and maturity, and for anyone sensing that wholeness includes the parts that were once denied or exiled. The invitation throughout is simple: meet what arises with curiosity, safety, and compassion. Steven’s final word for the path is love.
Steven’s website is:
Leading From the Dark
👉 https://leadingfromthedark.com

That’s where he shares his work on shadow, leadership, and negative capability, and where people can sign up for his newsletter or learn about talks and retreats.
Music by Valdi Sabev
 Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music
 https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured
Support the show
Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

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In this episode, I invite you to look directly at the sense of self — not as an idea or a belief, but as lived experience.
Before thoughts arise, before emotions move, before any story about “me” appears, there is a simple knowing of being here. A sense of existing. A feeling of “me.” This sense of self is so familiar that it is rarely questioned and often taken for granted.
Together, we explore what this sense of self actually is. Where it appears in the body. How it shows up as sensation, pressure, orientation, or effort. How it organizes experience and creates the feeling of being at the center of life.
You’re invited to notice how the sense of self becomes especially clear in moments of pride or hurt, and how easily identification forms around these sensations. We look at how the sense of “me” can feel solid and personal, and what happens when it is met directly with attention.
This is not about getting rid of the sense of self, fixing anything, or changing experience. It’s about seeing clearly. When the sense of self is looked at directly, something often softens. Identification relaxes. What remains is openness, presence, and a quiet knowing that does not come and go.
Nothing here needs to be believed. This is an invitation to look for yourself.
Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music 
https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

Support the show
Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

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After awakening, many people expect the body to relax and life to feel settled. The belief in a separate self has dropped, so ease should naturally follow. Yet for many, the body still contracts. Emotions rise. Old protection remains. This often creates confusion and self-doubt.
In this episode, I speak about why this is a natural part of awakening, and why nothing has gone wrong.
Seeing through the self illusion is a mental recognition. A belief drops. This shift is often quiet and simple. But the nervous system does not reorganize instantly. The body may still carry years of contraction and learned protection that now begins to unwind.
Awakening is not only about clarity in the mind. It is also about allowing the system to feel safe enough to open. When the imagined character no longer needs protection, old defenses can soften. This process can feel uncomfortable at times, even though it is part of integration and healing.
If you have already seen the truth but still feel tight, guarded, or unsettled, this episode offers reassurance. The absence of ease does not mean awakening failed. It may simply mean the body is learning that it is safe to relax.
Support the show
Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

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Many people on the spiritual awakening path reach a moment where understanding is no longer enough.
You may clearly understand non-duality, awakening, or the self illusion intellectually. You may know the language, have had glimpses, and seen moments of clarity. And yet something hasn’t shifted. There is still confusion. There is still a sense of “me.” And that can feel deeply discouraging.
In this episode of Awakening Now, I share an unedited recording from a live Zoom meeting where I respond to an email that says: “I understand this intellectually, but I don’t feel it.” What I hear is not failure, but honesty — a turning point where the old strategy of seeking through understanding begins to collapse.
I speak about why seeing through the self illusion is not an emotional experience, and why clarity is not a feeling. Confusion, doubt, frustration, and a sense of “me” can still arise after awakening, and they do not mean you didn’t see.
This conversation explores the difference between direct pointing — seeing through the illusion of a separate self — and meeting what continues to arise after that recognition. Old emotional patterns, sensations, and conditioning don’t mean you’ve gone backwards. Often, they are the next layer asking to be met.
If you feel stuck after awakening, exhausted from seeking, or confused about why insight hasn’t brought lasting peace, this episode offers clarity, reassurance, and a grounded understanding of what is actually happening.
Support the show
Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

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Have you been craving awakening? Waiting for the moment when everything finally softens, the mind gets quiet, the heart opens, and you can finally stop searching?

In this awakening now episode, I sit with Won Bo, a Lithuanian nun living in Korea. From the very first minute, something in her presence invites you to slow down, soften, and see what’s already here. Nothing dramatic. Nothing mystical. Just truth, lived by someone who has dedicated her whole life to clarity.

We explore the ordinary moments seekers overlook, the craving that hides beneath “spiritual progress,” the tenderness of glimpses that fade, and the simplicity of Zen’s most direct practice: What am I?
Not to find an answer… but to fall back into don’t-know, the space where awakening unfolds by itself.

If you’ve ever felt “not enough,” or wondered why awakening feels distant even after years of seeking, this conversation may feel like a quiet homecoming.

WHAT WE EXPLORE TOGETHER

• Why she chose the monastic path  and what actually surprised her
• A clear, gentle definition of awakening that removes pressure
• How the Three Poisons silently guide your daily reactions
• The subtle trap of craving awakening (and how to recognize it)
• Why glimpses fade and why that isn’t a failure
• A practice you can use at any moment of your day
• How “don’t-know” becomes a lived, spacious way of being

If you want to explore this more deeply, I created a short guide called Introduction to Deep Looking. It’s a gentle way to meet what’s here and begin unwinding the tension underneath seeking. You can receive it by signing up on my website. 

Here is the link:
https://ilonaciunaite.com/deep-looking-ebook/

If you read it and something moves in you, you are always welcome to write to me and share what opened.

Subscribe to my Newsletter for free monthly Zoom meetings: https://ilonaciunaite.com/subscribe/
Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed musichttps://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

⚠️ DISCLAIMER

This content is for educational purposes only and **not** a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If anxiety is severe or you have thoughts of self-harm, please seek help from a licensed mental-health professional immediately.
Support the show
Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com