You Are Not A Frog

t's Saturday, you're out with friends and you're nodding along, but part of you isn't really there. You're still turning over that decision you have to make. You may tell yourself you're confused, but in your heart of hearts, you know what you really want. In this re-release from October 2024, we get into why the decision itself isn't wrong - it's the next step that feels impossible, because it might mean letting someone down and having the conversation nobody else will have. I'm bringing it back while I'm writing my book, How to Say No When Someone Might Die, out May 2027, because our ingrained programming tells us we have to please everyone all the time to feel good enough - and it will affect your next decision, and the one after that. If you learn to ask a different question, it may help you carry it differently.
We cover:
Why telling yourself you're confused is often they worry about the how, not the what
The question I still use almost every week: in my heart of hearts, what do I really want?
How fear of letting someone down and being the bad person can make a right decision feel wrong
What to do when you know the answer but dread the difficult conversation that comes with it
How to back yourself when people pleasing pulls you back toward yes

This episode is for you if... You're a high achiever in a leadership role - the one who has to have the conversation nobody else will have, who has to make the call someone disagrees with, who lies awake replaying a decision you had to make. We learned somewhere in training that a good leader, a good doctor, or professional, never lets anyone down - and hard as that is to hear, there may be another way to think about what is actually yours to carry.
You are not a frog.
Resources:
Download our 19 questions here.
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Mentioned in this episode:
🟦 Join the How to Have Difficult Conversations at Work Masterclass

If you nod in a meeting, then say what you really think afterwards, this episode is for you. Our ingrained programming tells us we have to please everyone all the time to feel good enough, so we choose ‘nice’ to keep the peace. Unfortunately, that stores the pain up for later, and it will affect your next decision, and the one after that. In this episode with Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst, co-founders of The Power House and authors of Smart Conflict, we get into how to have the conversation that would actually lighten the load on us - including how to tell a colleague hard truths, and how to repair when you get it wrong.
We cover:
Nice vs kind - why nice often withholds the information someone needs to do well
You and me versus the problem - how to stop a rota or task issue turning into you versus me
The Responsibility Trap - why the conflict ends up being between an exhausted consultant and a junior doctor instead of where it belongs
High support, high challenge - why a lovely, supportive leader who never challenges can become an accidental arsehole
Repair - why one apology is rarely enough, and the small gestures that put most ruptures in relationships right
A phrase to open a hard conversation, how to say no to the knock on the door, and permission to go back and try again

This episode is for you if...
You are a high achiever in a leadership role who has to have the conversation nobody else will, has to make the call someone disagrees with, and lies awake replaying a decision you had to make. You can deliver bad news to a patient or client, but you freeze when the problem is a colleague you have to see tomorrow. Hard as that is, it makes sense - but it can be different.
You are not a frog.
You Are Not a Frog — for GPs, hospital doctors and other high-stakes professionals who want to thrive, not just survive.
Podcast: You Are Not a Frog with Dr Rachel Morris
Email list: https://youarenotafrog.com/welcome/
Website: https://youarenotafrog.com/
Guests: Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst are co-founders of The Power House and authors of Smart Conflict: How to Have Hard Conversations at Work. Together they train leaders in how to do conflict well, high support, high challenge communication and repair.
Team diagnostic tool: https://www.thepowerhouse.company/diagnostics
Learn more about The Power House Company: https://www.thepowerhouse.company/
Read Smart Conflict®: https://mybook.to/SmartConflict
Mentioned in this episode:
🟦 Join the How to Have Difficult Conversations at Work Masterclass
⭐️ Book Your FrogFest Ticket Now

If you’ve ever plucked up the courage to have ‘that’ conversation, and planned it carefully so that you can be kind and clear - but two minutes in, it goes south - you’ll know what it feels like when their face changes, your chest gets tight, and suddenly you're both defensive and you’re both feeling got at.
This replay from January 2025 is part of our season on conflict and difficult conversations, re-released while I'm in the middle of writing my book How to Say No When Someone Might Die. I keep coming back to it because it names the exact moment the conversations tip and we go ‘over the net’ – a concept Carol Rubin and David Bradford talk about in their book ‘Connect’. It's nuanced, but once you see it, you can't unsee it. There is a certain thing we do that triggers defensiveness in them, and a certain thing they do that triggers it in us.
You will hear why assuming you know what the other person intends can be devastating, and how our ingrained programming tells us we have to please everyone all the time to feel good enough. Learn how one tiny change in language - staying with what you saw and the story in your head, instead of what you decided they meant - may help you carry a patient or client complaint, an official grievance or being criticised by your team differently. Because if you don't spot it, it will affect your next decision, and the one after that.
We cover:
Why we can suddenly click into defensiveness two minutes into a careful conversation
What going ‘over the net’ means - and the three things to watch out for in every conversation
Why being misunderstood feels like such a threat to high achievers
The exact language swap: from "I felt dismissed" to "the story in my head was..."
How to find your highest intention - what's in it for them AND for you
Why assuming good intent creates safety to hear hard things
Ditch the final third: say it kindly, then stop and listen
Curious questions that keep you on your side of the net

This episode is for you if... you are a high achiever in a high-stakes role like medicine who has to have the conversation nobody else will, who has to make the call someone disagrees with, and lies awake replaying a decision you had to make. If you leave difficult conversations thinking I'm not cut out to be the senior one who has to do the hard things, maybe I'm not good enough - this one may help you see what's actually happening.
Concepts in this episode from Connect by David Bradford and Carole Robin.
More from You Are Not a Frog:
The podcast — available wherever you listen
FrogFest — our conference on workload and thriving at work. Click here to learn more.
Email list — 20,000 high achievers get the weekly Pearl. Click here to join the list.
Mentioned in this episode:
⭐️ Book Your FrogFest Ticket Now

Have you ever lain awake replaying a conversation with a tricky colleague, wondering if you were the one completely out of order? If you're a high achiever in a leadership role, you know the dilemma - you don't want to be the bad guy, so you avoid the awkward chat, pick up everyone else's slack, and say yes when you mean no. Then it leaks out at the worst possible moment.
In this fun episode I play Am I the A**hole? with Leanne and Al Elliott from Truth, Lies and Work. I read out workplace dilemmas and they give their verdicts - the nurse who keeps leaving early, the WhatsApp Work group from hell, the dreaded "can I have a quick word?", Gary the people-pleasing team leader, and yes, someone watching rather dodgy videos on a train.
You'll come away with the exact words to use when you need to raise something, why "no, and..." beats a plain no, and why your job as a leader is not to be nice, it's to be clear. You'll also meet a new species we name in the episode: the accidental arsehole - where our ingrained programming tells us we have to please everyone all the time to feel good enough, so we duck the conversation and it will affect your next decision, and the one after that.
Fair warning: fruity language in this one, so maybe not for the school run. And all scenarios are made up and stitched together from training stories - none is about anyone specific. Even if you've definitely got a Greta.
We cover:
Am I the a**hole? How the game exposes why caring leaders duck hard chats
The colleague who leaves early: the exact curious words to open a difficult conversation without judgment
The WhatsApp group row: why it's on you to set your boundary
Gary the people-pleaser: Drama Triangle, rescuing, and the MoSCoW way to hand work back before leave
"Heard, held or helped?", "no, and..." and "I can't now, but I can at..." - phrases that make saying no doable
The accidental arsehole: how avoidance, not harshness, creates most workplace conflict

This episode is for you if... you are a high achiever in a high stakes leadership role who has to have the conversation nobody else will, has to make the call someone disagrees with, and lies awake replaying a decision you had to make. If you say yes when you mean no and then feel resentful after, this will help you see what's actually happening and carry it differently.
You are not a frog.
Guests: Leanne Elliott and Al Elliott host the Truth, Lies and Work podcast - weekly conversations about work psychology, leadership and tricky team dynamics.
More from You Are Not a Frog:
The podcast — available wherever you listen
FrogFest — our conference on workload and thriving at work. Click here to learn more.
Email list — 20,000 high achievers get the weekly Pearl. Click here to join the list.
Mentioned in this episode:
Am I Stressed, Overwhelmed... or Burning Out?

Get honest with yourself — discover what’s really going on, and what to do next.
⭐️ Book Your FrogFest Ticket Now

Have you ever felt ashamed or frustrated that you didn't know the answer? Not to a clinical question, but about your own life - what's next, what's wrong, why you feel the way you do?
If you're the one everyone relies on, not knowing can feel like failing at the one thing you're supposed to be good at. This is a replay from 2024 I'm bringing back while I’m writing my book ‘How to Say No When Someone Might Die’. One of the things I keep coming back to in the book is how much of the load we carry isn't about the work at all. It's our ingrained programming that tells us we have to have the answer to feel good enough. And when we don't, it will affect your next decision, and the one after that.
In this episode we revisit what to do when the furniture is shifting, and why wait and see can be a strategy.
We cover:
Why high achievers feel shame when they don't know what's next
Shifting furniture - what to do when life is reconfiguring and you can't see where things will land
Your left brain interpreter - and why it makes up catastrophic stories to feel safe
Zone of Power - what is actually yours to carry, and what isn't
Why wait and see is a valid, proactive strategy, not avoidance
The next best action when you feel discombobulated

This episode is for you if... you are a doctor or professional, a high achiever in a leadership role who has to have the difficult conversation nobody else will, has to make the call someone disagrees with, and lies awake replaying a decision you had to make. If not knowing feels like not being good enough, this one is for you.
You are not a frog.
Mentioned in this episode:
🟦 Beat Stress & Thrive | Live Cohort Starts 13 October