It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, host Megan Hunter interviews Amanda Smith, LCSW, about her groundbreaking new book on self-compassion and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills for people who have borderline personality disorder traits. The discussion explores how incorporating self-compassion into treatment can enhance recovery and improve outcomes.
Understanding Self-Compassion in BPD Treatment
The conversation delves into how self-compassion serves as a vital but often overlooked component in treating borderline personality disorder traits. Amanda Smith draws on 19 years of clinical experience to explain why traditional confrontational approaches often backfire, while self-compassion can help reduce self-destructive behaviors and improve emotional regulation.
Research shows that increased self-compassion correlates with better mental health outcomes, healthier relationships, and reduced anxiety and depression. This episode examines how these findings specifically apply to people working to manage borderline personality disorder traits.
Questions We Answer in This Episode
How has treatment for borderline personality disorder evolved over the past 20 years?
What role does self-compassion play in DBT skills training?
How can family members support loved ones who cannot access immediate treatment?
When should boundaries and limits be introduced in treatment?
How does self-compassion affect recovery outcomes?
Key Takeaways
Self-compassion can serve as a replacement skill for self-destructive behaviors
DBT skills can be learned and practiced by family members to support loved ones
Treatment approaches work best when starting with validation before introducing structure
Recovery is possible with appropriate evidence-based treatment
Early intervention, even before age 18, can be beneficial when approached appropriately
The episode provides hope and practical guidance for anyone impacted by borderline personality disorder traits, while highlighting the importance of combining clinical skill development with self-compassion practices. Listeners will gain insights into both professional and personal approaches to supporting recovery.
Additional Resources
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Expert Publications by Amanda L. Smith
The Self-Compassion Workbook for BPD
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families: 52 Weeks of Hope, Inspiration, and Mindful Ideas for Greater Peace and Happiness
Expert Publications
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
Professional & Personal Development
Amanda Smith’s Family DBT course
HCI’s courses:Conflict Influencer® - for co-parents (new classes starting January 2026)
Conflict Influencer® - for famlies (new classes starting January 2026)
High-Conflict Law Certification - for legal professionals

Connect With Us
Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formats
Find these show notes and all past episode notes on our website
Important Notice
Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:46) - Meet Amanda Smith

(03:34) - Creating a Life Worth Living

(06:03) - Progression Over Time

(09:45) - Other Terms

(11:54) - Lack of Awareness

(13:30) - Addressing with DBT

(14:50) - Exceptions and Causes

(16:11) - Giving Hope

(17:55) - Age Groups

(19:51) - When They Can’t Get Into Treatment

(24:37) - Boundaries and Limits

(28:32) - Amanda’s New Book

(31:57) - Compassion for Self

(37:11) - Trying the Opposite

(41:59) - The Book

(43:32) - Wrap Up

In this classic episode from the archives, Bill and Megan examine the growing challenges faced by elderly populations dealing with individuals who demonstrate high conflict behaviors. As global demographics shift toward an aging population, understanding how to protect vulnerable seniors becomes increasingly critical.
The hosts explore how individuals who exhibit manipulative personality traits may target elderly people through isolation, financial exploitation, and emotional manipulation. They discuss why traditional support systems may miss these subtle forms of control, and how societal changes have created new vulnerabilities.
Key Vulnerabilities Addressed:
Increasing isolation in elderly populations
Financial exploitation risks
Manipulation by caregivers and family members
Essential Protection Strategies:
Maintaining regular, unannounced visits
Asking specific, direct questions
Creating support networks and oversight
Drawing from extensive research and case examples, Bill and Megan provide practical guidance for recognizing warning signs and taking appropriate action. They emphasize the importance of balancing respect for autonomy with necessary protective measures.
This episode offers valuable insights for anyone concerned about elderly loved ones or planning for their own future security. The discussion highlights how proper awareness and early intervention can help protect our most vulnerable community members.
Additional Resources
Books & Expert Publications:
Our New World of Adult Bullies
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
Articles & Resources:
Protecting the Elderly in Our New World of Adult Bullies
Training & Professional Development:
Custom Training for Organizations
New Ways Training Programs
Conflict Influencer Class
Connect With Us:
Visit High Conflict Institute
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection in our online store
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:43) - Podcast Update

(12:39) - The Elderly and High Conflict

(24:34) - When They Deny It

(27:22) - CARS Method

(31:55) - Being Targeted

(34:08) - Keep an Eye Out for Them

(36:45) - Wrap Up

(37:30) - See You Next Year!

Exposure and Public Shaming as Conflict Management Tools: A Critical Analysis
In this back episode from the High Conflict Institute podcast, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle a challenging question that many face when dealing with difficult workplace situations: Is exposing someone's problematic behavior an effective strategy for creating change? While the impulse to "name and shame" may feel justified, especially when facing reputation damage or distortion campaigns, the hosts explore why this approach often backfires with high conflict personalities.
When dealing with individuals who demonstrate high conflict behavior patterns, the threat of exposure frequently escalates rather than resolves situations. The hosts examine how cluster B personality traits like being domineering, vindictive and intrusive can make public confrontation particularly counterproductive.
Key Questions Addressed:
Does exposing problematic behavior lead to meaningful change?
When might the threat of exposure be strategically useful?
How should organizations balance accountability with escalation risks?
Core Strategic Insights:
Private criticism tends to be more effective than public shaming
Skills-based coaching offers better outcomes than humiliation
Natural consequences work better than intentional exposure
Through examining both legal precedents and business case studies, the hosts demonstrate why investing in skill development and structured interventions often proves more valuable than reactive exposure strategies. The episode provides concrete examples of more effective approaches, from healthcare settings to corporate environments.
Drawing on Harvard research and real-world examples like the Harvey Weinstein case, Bill and Megan illustrate the complex factors organizations must weigh when deciding how to address problematic behavior. They emphasize that while public exposure may occasionally be necessary, it should typically be a last resort after other interventions have been attempted.
Additional Resources
Books:
It's All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
BIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
Articles:
Fire or Keep High-Conflict Employees?
Should Employees with High-Conflict Behaviors Be Given a Chance to Change?
Professional Development:
New Ways Training Programs (workplace, mediation, divorce)
Conflict Influencer Class (for personal situations)
Custom Training for Organizations
High Conflict Institute Consultation Services
Connect With Us:
Visit High Conflict Institute
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection in our online store
Find all episode notes on our website
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(01:31) - Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy

(02:21) - Good or Bad Idea?

(08:14) - Exposure Doesn't Necessarily Stop Them

(11:08) - Good Strategies

(14:53) - Get Toxic People Out of Your Life

(18:10) - Conversions Through Coaching

(19:57) - Thinking It Through

(21:29) - Intervention

(24:00) - Coming Next Week: Harry, Megan, and the Coronation

Managing High Conflict in Today's Workplace
In this episode from the High Conflict Institute archives, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter welcome Cherolyn Knapp, a lawyer, mediator, and workplace investigator who brings fresh perspectives on handling workplace conflict. While the discussion captures workplace dynamics during an earlier phase of post-pandemic adjustment, the insights on conflict management remain remarkably relevant for today's organizations.
Understanding Workplace Conflict Patterns
The discussion explores how traditional workplace conflict resolution methods often fall short with certain behavioral patterns. Cherolyn shares insights from her extensive experience, noting that while standard approaches work for 80-90% of situations, some cases require specialized skills and understanding. Though recorded closer to the initial workplace disruptions of the pandemic, the conversation highlights enduring challenges in managing high conflict situations that continue to resonate.
Questions We Answer in This Episode:
Why do traditional HR approaches fail with certain behavioral patterns?
What makes the New Ways for Work method effective?
When should organizations invest in specialized conflict coaching?
Key Takeaways:
Traditional conflict resolution methods work for most employees but fail with about 10-20% of cases
Early intervention with skill-building can prevent escalation to termination
Connection and empathy are crucial elements in managing high conflict situations
The New Ways for Work method offers a structured approach that helps organizations identify when standard interventions aren't working and provides alternative strategies. This skills-based program gives both employees and managers practical tools they can implement immediately, proving just as valuable today as when this episode first aired.
The episode provides valuable insights for HR professionals, workplace coaches, and leaders seeking to create healthier workplace environments. While some conflict is inevitable in any organization, understanding these patterns and having the right tools can transform seemingly impossible situations into manageable ones.
Additional Resources:
Books & Training:
New Ways for Work® Coaching Manual
New Ways for Work® Workbook
It's All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
BIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps (Pre-order)
Professional Development:
New Ways Training Registration
Custom Training for Organizations
New Ways Programs
Conflict Influencer Certification
Articles & Resources:
New Ways for Work: A New Coaching Method
Why Can't They Get It? What to do when coworkers and employees have no idea how they behave
Connect With Us:
Visit our website
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection
Find all episode notes
Follow us on Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
Note: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(01:42) - Meet Cherolyn Knapp

(03:42) - Questions

(21:01) - New Ways for Work

(29:25) - Tips

(31:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week:

(33:42) - Wrap Up

Young Adults Navigating Life with High Conflict Parents
In this classic episode from the archives, Bill and Megan explore why many young adults struggle to launch successfully into independent life, particularly those raised by parents who demonstrate high conflict behaviors. They examine how today's interconnected world, while offering unprecedented opportunities, can also amplify feelings of inadequacy and isolation for young people trying to find their path.
The hosts discuss how growing up with a parent who exhibits self-focused personality traits can leave young adults feeling responsible for managing their parent's emotions instead of developing their own identity. This dynamic, combined with intense cultural pressures and weakened community connections, creates unique challenges for today's emerging adults.
Key Challenges Addressed:
Constant exposure to global crises and negative news
Social media comparison and online bullying
Weakened family and community support systems
Essential Solutions Explored:
Finding healthy mentors and building support networks
Engaging in meaningful work or volunteering
Accessing counseling and group therapy resources
Drawing from their extensive experience, Bill and Megan offer practical strategies for young adults to develop stronger boundaries with high conflict parents while building their own sense of identity and direction. They emphasize the importance of finding healthy connections and support systems outside the family dynamic.
This episode provides valuable insights for young adults working to establish independence, as well as parents, mentors and professionals supporting them through this critical transition period. The discussion highlights how proper support and understanding can help transform struggle into growth.
Additional Resources
Books & Publications:
New Ways for Life™ Instructor's Guide
New Ways for Life™ Youth Journal
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
Training & Professional Development:
Live Lab™ (1:1 coaching for high conflict communication)
Individual Consultation Services
New Ways for Life Training
Custom Training for Organizations
Conflict Influencer Class
Articles & Resources:
Kids and Self-Esteem
Adolescent Mental Health and New Ways for Life Skills
Connect With Us:
Visit High Conflict Institute
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection in our online store
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:35) - State of Floundering Young People

(01:37) - Why So Much Floundering?

(08:49) - Bullying and Stimulation

(12:24) - Parenting

(17:29) - When Truly Floundering

(19:21) - How Many?

(21:45) - Wrap Up

(22:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are EAR Statements for All High Conflict Types?