It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

Why are so many people drawn to media figures who thrive on conflict, drama, and promises of secret revelations? Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter of the High Conflict Institute break down the neuroscience behind it—and it turns out your brain is working exactly as designed. The right hemisphere's drive for connection, belonging, and certainty makes all of us vulnerable to conflict-driven personalities, whether we realize it or not. This episode gives you the framework to understand why you get hooked, and practical tools to reclaim your own judgment.
Resources from this episode:
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
Managing High-Conflict Behavior in the Workplace — Training, April 23, 2026
Training for Your Organization
Visit High Conflict Institute
Browse Books and Resources
Submit Questions | Full Show Notes | Bookstore | Website
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:42) - Catching Up

(03:03) - Building Conflict Around Yourselves

(06:35) - Our Draw to Conspiracy Theorists

(09:58) - Why Does It Feel Credible?

(12:23) - Personality Types

(15:44) - Convincing and Confident

(17:07) - Negative Advocates

(21:09) - Reinforcing Patterns

(23:05) - What Can We Do

(26:23) - Using AI

(29:11) - Wrap Up

Michael Lomax joins Megan Hunter to share practical tools leaders can use right away when high conflict behavior is derailing their team. They cover BIFF responses for written communication, how to redirect disruptive meeting participants, handling chronic complainers with EAR statements, and what it actually takes to build a conflict-competent culture. Plus—details on two upcoming trainings from the High Conflict Institute.
Resources from this episode:
New Ways for Work Coaches Training — March 3 & 5, 2026
Leaders Training: Managing High Conflict Behavior at Work — April 23, 2026
BIFF at Work by Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter
Mediating High Conflict Disputes by Bill Eddy and Michael Lomax
It's All Your Fault at Work by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
Submit Questions | Full Show Notes | Bookstore | High Conflict Institute
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:54) - Guest Michael Lomax

(04:19) - Workplace Tools for Leaders

(05:41) - BIFF Responses

(15:47) - High Conflict in Meetings

(21:02) - Chronic Complaining

(23:37) - Example

(26:26) - Healthy Conflict

(31:56) - The Training

(35:28) - Mindset Shift

(38:09) - Wrap Up

HCI senior trainer Michael Lomax joins Megan Hunter to unpack why high conflict behavior is escalating in today's workplaces—and what leaders can actually do about it. Drawing on twenty-five years in workplace dispute resolution, Michael explains why global stress and unresolved trauma are showing up at work, what happens in a leader's brain when they get emotionally hooked, and how to regulate yourself before you respond. You'll learn the "calm before think" strategy for de-escalating upset employees, how to handle a team-wide crisis triggered by one inflammatory email, and when a single conversation with a difficult senior leader simply isn't enough. Whether you're a leader, in HR, or anyone trying to navigate a workplace that feels harder than it used to—this one's for you.
Resources from this episode:
New Ways for Work Training for Workplace Coaches — March 3 & 5, 2026
Leaders Training: Managing High Conflict Behavior at Work — April 23, 2026
BIFF at Work by Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter
Mediating High Conflict Disputes by Bill Eddy and Michael Lomax
It's All Your Fault at Work by Bill Eddy and L. Georgi DiStefano
Submit Questions | Full Show Notes | Bookstore | High Conflict Institute
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(01:19) - Michael’s Background

(02:35) - High Conflict at Work

(08:24) - An Increase

(11:33) - How It’s Showing Up

(14:11) - Getting Emotionally Hooked

(18:32) - What You Can Do and Regulating

(23:12) - Shifting into Problem-Solving

(29:13) - Email Conflict

(35:40) - Options List

(37:14) - Wrap Up

We answer five listener questions about setting boundaries with intrusive neighbors, hostile co-parents, difficult coworkers, and adult children who demonstrate high conflict behaviors. Learn when to use empathy versus firmness, how to document hostile messages for court, and strategies for protecting your emotional well-being in toxic situations.
Resources from this episode:
SLIC Solutions for Conflict
BIFF for CoParent Communication
The Big Book on Borderline Personality Disorder
New Ways for Work® Coaches Training (March 3 & 5, 2026)
Conflict Influencer Class
Training for Organizations
National Domestic Violence Information or call 800.799.SAFE (7233)
Submit Questions | Full Show Notes | Bookstore | Website
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Important Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:47) - Listener Questions

(01:22) - Question 1

(09:29) - Question 2

(12:35) - Question 3

(20:42) - Question 4

(23:46) - Question 5

(31:59) - Wrap Up

Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore one of the most challenging questions faced by people in relationships with partners who demonstrate high conflict behaviors: Is it possible to develop a genuinely mutual and healthy relationship through proper communication techniques and boundary setting, or is managed stability the best achievable outcome?
Understanding Relationship Dynamics with High Conflict Partners
The episode examines the reality that while using specialized communication techniques can help reduce conflict and create more stability, these relationships often remain fundamentally one-sided. The hosts address the emotional toll of being the only partner actively working on relationship improvement and discuss realistic expectations for long-term outcomes.
Research indicates that people who exhibit cluster B personality traits commonly demonstrate patterns of domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness in relationships. Understanding these patterns helps inform decisions about relationship investment and maintenance.
Questions Answered in This Episode
Can proper communication techniques lead to a truly mutual relationship?
What role does counseling play in improving high conflict relationships?
How do you approach suggesting counseling to a resistant partner?
What are realistic expectations for relationship improvement?
When should someone consider leaving versus staying in the relationship?
Key Takeaways
Success often looks like better containment rather than achieving full mutuality
Individual or couples counseling can help, but finding the right approach is crucial
Setting clear limits while maintaining safety is essential
Building external support systems helps maintain stability
Personal decisions about staying or leaving should be based on realistic expectations
The episode provides valuable insights for anyone wrestling with difficult relationship decisions, offering both practical tools and a framework for evaluating relationship potential without promising unrealistic outcomes.
Additional Resources
New Resource for Those Considering Divorce/Separation/Relationship Termination 
Should I Stay Stay Married or Get Divorced? 1:1 Coaching through an online courseGive your marriage a chance to survive and succeed.

Expert Publications
Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD
Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., and Megan Hunter, MBA
SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and Ekaterina Ricci, MDR, MLS
Personal Development
New Ways for Couples Online Course + Coaching (give your relationship a chance to survive)
Training
Contact us for training for your organization
Connect With Us
Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com
Submit questions for Bill and Megan
Browse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formats
Find these show notes and all past episode notes on our website
Watch this episode on YouTube!
Important Notice
Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault

(00:42) - Healthy Relationships?

(04:54) - Two-Way Relationship Potential

(08:29) - Counseling

(10:30) - Couples Therapy

(14:17) - Trying Harder?

(15:55) - Personality Disorders

(17:28) - Domineeringness, Vindictiveness, Intrusiveness

(19:19) - Staying for Stability

(25:34) - SLIC Solutions

(32:02) - Back to Original Question

(35:10) - Wrap Up