The Self-Driven Child

If you’ve ever watched your child struggle and felt that almost unbearable pull to step in, fix it, smooth it over, or make it disappear, this episode is for you. In this conversation, I sit down with author and parent coach Michelle Icard to explore why setbacks—real, uncomfortable, sometimes humiliating ones—are not detours from development but the very path toward adulthood.

Michelle joins me to talk about her latest book, Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success, and to unpack why adolescence is meant to include missteps, awkward experiments, and moments of regret. We explore rites of passage, identity formation, impression management, and the fine line between support and overprotection. Most importantly, we discuss how parents can respond when things go sideways in ways that build resilience rather than shame.

Episode Highlights:

[0:00] – Why we revert to old parenting habits, even when we know better
[2:06] – Why watching kids struggle is painful—and why that discomfort is necessary
[5:00] – Rites of passage: separating, stumbling, and reintegrating wiser
[9:46] – “Am I doing this for them, or for me?” A powerful parenting pause
[10:28] – Impression management: how teens hide, deflect, and protect their identity
[15:00] – Modeling mistakes out loud so kids can learn how adults process setbacks
[18:25] – Friend shifts, value testing, and why adolescence requires trial and error
[21:21] – Why insisting on values can backfire—and how to invite real conversation instead
[26:33] – Curiosity over correction when teens embrace rigid or controversial ideas
[30:52] – Why natural consequences are often enough—and why piling on rarely helps
[38:11] – Failure vs. setback: when disconnection becomes the real danger
[40:00] – Contain, Resolve, Evolve: a three-step model for responding to setbacks
[43:45] – Letting the bruise heal: why parents must eventually stop poking
[46:23] – The turkey story: a rite of passage, public shame, and lasting growth
[51:00] – The question parents answered almost unanimously: would you erase the hard years?

Links & Resources:
8 Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success by Michelle Icard
Homesick and Happy by Michael Thompson
14 Talks by Age 14 by Michelle Icard
MichelleIcard.com
Erving Goffman: The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life 
Scott Galloway: Notes on Being a Man 
Sarah Rosensweet: Reimagine Peaceful Parenting 
Dr. Devorah Heitner: Mentoring Kids in a Connected World 
Dr. Lisa Damour: Untangling 10-20

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If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing all the right things—checking boxes, meeting expectations—yet still wondering whether any of it really matters, this episode is for you. In this conversation, I sit down with New York Times bestselling author and researcher Jennifer Wallace to explore one of the most fundamental human needs we rarely name directly: mattering.
Jennifer joins me to talk about her latest work and the research behind why feeling valued—for who we are, not just what we do—is essential for resilience, mental health, and motivation. Together, we unpack how mattering shows up in families, schools, workplaces, and communities, and why rebuilding connection may be one of the most important things we can do for our kids—and ourselves.
 
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – Why thriving kids (and adults) need more than good intentions
 [1:07] – Introducing Jennifer Wallace and the idea of mattering as a basic human need
 [3:05] – From Never Enough to mattering: what parents revealed behind the scenes
[5:44] – Why caring for children means caring for parents too
[6:18] – The “pay-to-play village” and what we’ve lost culturally
[7:12] – Why kids (and adults) need more trusted adults in their lives
[9:03] – Capitalism, religion, and who society decides “matters”
[10:25] – Aging, invisibility, and the pain of no longer being invested in
[12:52] – Why mattering is a felt experience—not something you can force
[14:46] – Defining mattering and the SAID framework
[18:32] – Community, reciprocity, and the power of mutual investment
[22:59] – Clean fuel vs. dirty fuel and what truly motivates kids
[26:48] – Honest feedback, gratitude, and real investment in relationships
[30:11] – Mental subtraction, appreciation, and noticing who matters most
[34:53] – Why gratitude and mattering protect mental health
[37:05] – Helping kids strive without tying worth to achievement
[42:48] – Rebuilding spaces of mattering in an isolated world
[43:08] – Key takeaways and why reminding others they matter helps us too
 
Links & Resources:
Rick Weissbourd at the Making Caring Common Project
https://www.thereciprocityeffect.org/about
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mudita
A Wonderful Life by Frank Martela
 
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. 
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In this episode, I sit down with education leader, parent, and author Chris Balme for a deep, thoughtful, and often funny conversation about what adolescents are really doing during the middle school and teen years. We explore why this stage of life is less about “figuring kids out” and more about understanding the intense social, emotional, and neurological work they’re already doing every day. Chris offers a powerful frame that I love: adolescents as identity scientists, running experiments to answer one core question—who am I, and where do I belong?
We talk about how adults can make that work easier instead of harder, why third spaces and unhurried time matter so much, and how validation, sleep, peers, and belonging shape everything during these years. If you live with, teach, or care about adolescents—or if you’re willing to remember your own—this conversation will resonate.
 
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – Why it’s so hard to change how we parent, even when we know better
 [1:40] – Why adolescence is the right time to reinvent yourself
[3:10] – Chris introduces the idea of kids as “identity scientists”
[5:15] – Identity is built through social experiments—and adults can help or hinder
[7:45] – The importance of different social spaces where kids can reinvent themselves
[9:35] – Why “third spaces” and non-parent adults matter so much
[13:30] – The critical role of unhurried time and reflection
[15:35] – Sleep deprivation and what it explains about teen behavior
[18:25] – Social approval, belonging uncertainty, and the adolescent brain
[21:15] – Why validation beats fixing, lecturing, or minimizing
[24:30] – Middle school memories, awkward experiments, and empathy
[28:50] – Belonging comes first—before achievement and authenticity
[31:15] – What we gain, as parents, by walking this journey with our kids
 
Links & Resources:
Allo Parents: 
https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2023/12/01/1216043849/bringing-up-a-baby-can-be-a-tough-and-lonely-job-heres-a-solution-alloparents 
Ned's podcast Interview with Michaeleen: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hunt-gather-parent-with-michaeleen-doucleff/id1676859533?i=1000643496031 
About Michaeleen: https://www.npr.org/people/348778932/michaeleen-doucleff 
Adolescents Are Identity Scientists:  https://chrisbalme.substack.com/p/adolescents-are-identity-scientists 
About Chris: https://www.chrisbalme.com/ 

If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. 
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In this episode of The Self-Driven Child Podcast, I sit down with my longtime partner, co-author, and neuropsychologist Dr. William Stixrud to dig deep into something hiding in plain sight: sleep. We talk about why so many kids, teens, and frankly adults are walking around chronically exhausted—and what that’s quietly doing to learning, emotional health, and overall well-being. This conversation grew out of a powerful question a student asked us after we issued a real-world “sleep challenge,” and it opened the door to a fascinating look at how sleep actually works in the brain. 
Bill and I explore what happens when kids don’t get enough rest, why tired brains struggle with attention, memory, and emotional regulation, and how sleep might be one of the most underestimated tools we have for supporting mental health, learning, and resilience. If you care about helping kids thrive—and about thriving yourself—this is one you won’t want to miss.
 
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – Why helping kids thrive is harder than it should be—and why sleep keeps getting overlooked
 [2:15] – The student sleep challenge and the big question: what does sleep actually do to the brain?
 [4:20] – How chronic sleep deprivation acts like chronic stress on developing brains
 [6:00] – Emotional control, anxiety, and why tired brains are more reactive and negative
 [9:00] – “Overnight therapy”: how REM sleep helps regulate emotions and perspective
 [10:25] – Sleep deprivation, anxiety, and depression: cause, effect, and the vicious cycle
 [11:59] – Why sleep regularity matters as much as total hours of sleep
 [15:00] – Sleep, physical health, appetite, and injury risk for athletes
 [17:20] – Why sleep deprivation mimics ADHD and wrecks attention and organization
 [19:55] – The startling study showing how small sleep losses erase years of cognitive growth
 [21:40] – How the brain replays and consolidates learning during sleep
 [22:30] – Why sleeping more can literally make you better at skills—even without more practice
 [27:15] – Practical, realistic strategies families can use to make sleep a shared value
 [31:00] – Why we need collective action, not lectures, to help teens get the sleep they need
 
Links & Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-self-driven-child/201807/why-its-always-better-to-sleep-on-it 
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. 
 
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

In this episode, I dig into one of my favorite topics—what really makes us happy—and why the holidays are the perfect time to rethink how we create joy for ourselves and our kids. If you’ve ever wondered why the things you anticipate don’t always end up being the things that actually fill your heart, you’re not alone. I explore the science behind pleasure versus happiness, why we confuse the two, and how small intentional choices can make the holiday season feel richer, calmer, and more meaningful.
Rather than chasing quick hits of dopamine, I walk through the PERMA model and share science-backed ways to help kids—and ourselves—feel more grounded, connected, and genuinely content. If you’re craving a holiday experience that lingers well beyond the wrapping paper and pumpkin pie, this episode will help you set the stage.
Links & Resources:
[0:00] – Opening welcome + exciting announcement about our new workbook
 [1:20] – Why the holidays bring both joy and disappointment
 [2:18] – Pleasure vs. happiness: how dopamine tricks us
 [4:10] – The rush of rewards, hedonic adaptation, and why pleasure fades
 [5:30] – Serotonin and the science of contentment
 [6:20] – Reflecting on past holidays and why those memories stick
 [7:05] – Introducing PERMA: the science of lasting happiness
 [7:40] – P: Positive emotions—exercise, rest, gratitude, and Thanksgiving traditions
 [8:55] – E: Engagement—how “I get to” changes everything
 [9:35] – R: Relationships—the strongest predictor of long-term happiness
 [10:51] – M: Meaning—why contributing and giving matter more than getting
 [12:40] – Achievement—keeping accomplishment in healthy perspective
 [14:10] – Better conversation starters for kids and teens
 [15:20] – How intentional activities shape half of our happiness
 [16:15] – Final reflections on gifts, gratitude, and meaningful experiences
 [17:20] – Closing thoughts + message for parents who may want extra support
Links & Resources
PrepMatters – https://prepmatters.com
Phone: 301-951-0350 (for families wanting to connect with our team)
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. 
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com