The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

"Why am I suddenly missing the person I worked so hard to leave?" A woman wrote to me recently with this question, and I know this is not an uncommon thing to feel. Many women know without a doubt they made the right decision. Yet, suddenly the desire to have the family back comes roaring back. In this episode, I'm unpacking why this happens, what might actually be driving it, and how to come back to the whole story when the heart is only showing part of it. Afterall, loneliness and grief are terrible historians. 
Sometimes it's another layer of grief. Sometimes it's attachment after 20 or 30 years together. If the relationship ran on cycles of cruelty followed by tenderness, there may be a trauma bond at work. I break down intermittent reinforcement, why co-parenting makes a clean break so hard, and why 12 minutes of charm in a school parking lot shouldn't be used to reconsider 20 years of data. Missing someone is information about our emotional experience, not evidence that anything about the relationship has changed. 
I hope this episode brings some perspective and clarity to a really confusing thing so many women feel. It's possible to build a life where pain doesn't have to be followed by reconciliation with the person who caused it. It's possible to miss someone and still choose yourself. 
What you'll hear about in this episode:
How intermittent reinforcement works and why the nervous system becomes so accustomed to the cycle

Breaking the attachment when going no contact isn't possible because of co-parenting

Why patterns tell us more than moments, and how to start spotting them

What real change looks like when seriously considering reconciliation

The grief that can't be felt until after leaving, and why it doesn't mean go back

What to do when the romanticizing starts, from referencing data you placed in your notes app to creating a relationship reality document

Resources & Links:
Private Coaching

Unbreakable Retreat

Kate Anthony's Complete Parenting Plan 

Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate 

The Divorce Strategy Toolkit

Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective

Kate on Instagram

Kate on Facebook

Kate's Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch

Episodes are also available YouTube!

Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce 

===================
DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
===================

There was a stretch of my life where I could not be alone. Not because I loved being social so much, but because without someone else in the room, I did not know who I was. No plans for the night meant a full blown panic attack. What was I supposed to do with myself? More importantly, who even was I?
Turns out that is not just a me thing. It has a name, emotional outsourcing, and it is exactly what I dig into with my guest Beatriz (Béa) Victoria Albina, author of End Emotional Outsourcing: How to Overcome Your Codependent, Perfectionist, and People-Pleasing Habits. She also hosts the Feminist Wellness Podcast, and from the first minute we hit record, it was clear this was going to be one of those conversations we could have kept going all day.
We get into emotional outsourcing, the term Béa uses for the codependent, people-pleasing, and perfectionist habits so many of us learned as survival strategies. We also talk about how somatic work actually changes us, instead of just helping us understand our patterns intellectually. And if you are Gen X or a Xennial, this is your bonus round. Somewhere around the Mac LE2 and Saved by the Bell, we take a short detour into nostalgia. 
What you'll hear about in this episode:
What emotional outsourcing actually is, and why Béa uses it as the catch-all term underneath codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism (5:19)

Using TV and movies as a mirror for healthy relating, and why even a show as savage as Veep can retrain your brain to recognize what it's missing (10:52)

How Béa defines the differences between codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism, and why they are survival habits, not character flaws (23:50)

Why knowing your patterns intellectually isn't the same as changing them, and how somatic experiencing helps your body believe a new story (20:24)

The reticular activating system and the default mode network, the two brain regions that keep us running the same old stories until we interrupt them (25:47)

Béa's "kitten steps" approach to rebuilding trust with yourself, starting as small as actually letting yourself pee when you have to pee (30:52)

Learn more about Beatriz (Béa) Victoria Albina, NP, MPH, SEP:
Beatriz (Béa) Victoria Albina, NP, MPH, SEP (she/her) is a UCSF-trained Family Nurse Practitioner, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Master Certified Somatic Life Coach, author of the bestselling "End Emotional Outsourcing: How to Overcoming Your Codependent, Perfectionist and People Pleasing Habits" and Breathwork Meditation Guide with a passion for helping humans socialized as women to reconnect with their bodies, regulate their nervous systems and rewire their minds, so they can break free from codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing and reclaim their joy.

This week's episode is an encore episode. I'm away at my Unbreakable Retreat, so I'm revisiting one that felt right to bring back.
I asked a friend who is going through a divorce what I should talk about on this episode. He said I should talk about cravings. He explained it this way, "Given the shit happening in the world, we turn to safety, fantasy, and imagination to numb our true selves and we give up the authentic fight." How beautiful is that?
There is so much happening in the world right now.
And my friend is right, we numb out as a way to escape. We numb with food, drinking, or shopping. When it comes to relationships, we numb out by fantasizing about other people, hoping they are the cure for a troubled marriage. Turning to other people, places, or things will not lead you to true fulfillment. Doing so simply covers up the pain, momentarily.
Succumbing to cravings is giving up the authentic fight.
What happens if you just sit still with all of the shit that is happening in your life? What if you gazed into all of your own holes and examined them for what they are? What if?
What might be possible for your relationship, for your marriage, or most importantly, for you? That's what this episode is about. I hope you tune in.
What You'll Hear About In This Episode:
Why a marriage is not responsible for fulfilling you 100%
Discernment work is so complex, but necessary
The importance of recognizing your own 'made-up' stories and changing the narrative
Links and Resources:

Unbreakable Retreat
Kate Anthony's Complete Parenting Plan 
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate 
The Divorce Strategy Toolkit
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate's Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce
Disclaimer:
The commentary and opinions available on this podcast are for informational and entertainment purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal or psychological advice. You should contact an attorney, coach, or therapist in your state to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem.

After divorce, medical decisions don't stop. Kids still need vaccines, dental appointments, medications, evaluations, therapy, all of it. In high-conflict or parallel parenting, even basic healthcare decisions can become a new arena for control, misinformation, and sabotage. To help navigate this, I'm talking with board-certified pediatrician Dr. Madeline Gagnon, a complex care specialist who has worked with families at Boston Children's Hospital and other leading institutions.
We get into how kids get pulled into adult conflict without realizing it, what healthy conflict actually looks like between co-parents, and what child-centered medical decision-making means when parents don't agree. We also tackle a question that comes up constantly: if you're going to keep fighting these battles anyway, shouldn't you just stay in the marriage? It's a conversation about knowing what's worth going to bat for, what isn't, and how to keep your kids at the center.
What you'll hear about in this episode:
What child-centered medical decision-making looks like when you and your co-parent don't agree (3:49)

How triangulation shows up in divorced families, often more subtly than you'd expect, and how kids get pulled into it without even realizing what's happening (17:44)

Whether staying together just to keep the peace and avoid future battles is really the safer choice for your kids (28:23)

Wisdom for the mom who feels like she's fighting an uphill battle just to get her kid the care they need (44:13)

What healthy conflict actually looks like between exes, and how to move toward it instead of away from it (46:54)

Learn more about Dr. Madeleine Gagnon:
Dr. Madeleine Gagnon is a board-certified pediatrician, qualified neutral mediator, and advocate for family communication and conflict resolution. A graduate of Georgetown University School of Medicine, she has worked for leading institutions including Boston Children's Hospital.
She is the founder of BRIDGE Health Consulting, which helps families navigate conflict, grief, trauma, and life transitions; PULSE, a social initiative for teens and their parents that promotes communication and confidence through mentorship and social media; and BRIDGE To Home, which provides in-home support services for individuals with disabilities and mental health needs.
Through years of work spanning both the clinic and community, Dr. Gagnon delivers practical, real-world approaches to everyday challenges that resonate meaningfully with parents, children, and teens alike.
A trusted voice on parenting, adolescence, and family dynamics, Dr. Gagnon is frequently featured as a medical expert on network television and public radio affiliates.
Resources & Links:
Kate Anthony's Complete Parenting Plan 

Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate 

The Divorce Strategy Toolkit

Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective

Kate on Instagram

Kate on Facebook

Kate's Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch

Episodes are also available YouTube!

Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce 

Listeners can exclusively book a free 15–20 minute Parent Strategy Call with Dr. Gagnon

Dr. Gagnon's website

Dr. Gagnon on Instagram (Resources for Parents)

Dr. Gagnon on Instagram (Resources for Teens)

Dr. Gagnon on Instagram

Dr. Gagnon on Facebook

===================
DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
===================

Encore Episode!!
After over a decade of working with thousands of women, I've become really good at mapping out the entire divorce process and pinpointing where on that map someone might land. I've become so good at it that I actually created something I'm calling The Divorce Roadmap.
In this episode, I share the three stages of the Roadmap: Awareness, Action, and Moving On, and explore the various phases within each stage. Divorce journeys are almost never linear, they ebb and flow and have hard times and times when things fall neatly into place. Knowing where you are on your journey can help you prepare for what's to come. If, after listening to this episode, you have found yourself somewhere along the map described, I have resources for every phase and every stage. You can download your divorce roadmap after listening to this episode. 


What you'll hear about in this episode:


The three stages of the Divorce Roadmap: Awareness, Action, and Moving On
Awareness stage: questioning, dawning realization, begging and bargaining, and finally acceptance
Action stage: having the talk, making big decisions, telling the kids, and more
Moving On stage: co-parenting, dating, single by choice, a first relationship, a first heartbreak, and possibly family blending
Why the journey rarely moves in a straight line, and how stages like anger and grief, or questioning and backsliding, tend to loop back on each other


Resources & Links:


Your Divorce Roadmap
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle

Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective

Kate on Instagram

Kate on Facebook

Kate's Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset 



Disclaimer


The commentary and opinions available on this podcast are for informational and entertainment purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal or psychological advice. You should contact an attorney, coach, or therapist in your state to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem.