How To Deal

What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes from, why it gets stuck, and how you can actually change it. From memory reconsolidation and inner child healing to attunement, identity, and the power of community, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone breaking generational cycles.
Key Takeaways
• Worthiness = treating your internal world as if it matters. It's not about feeling superior — it's about validating your feelings and using them as information.
• There are two types of high self-esteem. One comes at others' expense (grandiosity). The other — "Type C" — is compassionate, connected, and the kind worth building.
• Memories are the database of self-esteem. They don't just record the past — they predict the future. That's why compliments feel threatening and success feels suspicious when we feel unworthy.
• You can change the past — at the neural level. Memory reconsolidation research shows that revisiting painful memories and picturing a different outcome literally changes how those memories live in your brain, including in the hippocampus.
• Stigma shows up as self-surveillance. People from marginalized groups often begin to see themselves through the negative lens of others — and the antidote is curating community and media that reflect more positive, affirming identities.
• Attunement is the master skill. Listening deeply to yourself, your children, and your relationships — and allowing multiple realities to coexist — is the foundation of both worthiness and connection.
• You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy. Worth is inherent. Self-worth is the felt sense of it — and that can be developed, no matter where you're starting from.
About the Guest
Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, TED speaker, and NYT bestselling author. Her new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment explores the cutting-edge science of memory, stigma, and identity to help readers build lasting self-worth from the inside out. She is also the author of the instant NYT bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.
• 🌐 Website: drmarisagfranco.com: https://drmarisagfranco.com
• 📸 Instagram: @drmarisagfranco: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/
• 📬 Substack: Attached by Dr. Marisa G. Franco: https://drmarisagfranco.substack.com/

Resources Mentioned

• 📘 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Dr. Marisa G. Franco
◦ Publisher (Penguin Random House): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/
◦ Amazon (Audiobook): https://www.amazon.com/Worth-Science-Self-Esteem-Secure-Attachment/dp/B0GGNPKM6S
• 📘 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco
◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Platonic-Science-Attachment-Make-Keep-Friends/dp/0593331893
• 📘 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (referenced in discussion of stigma and self-perception)
◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Novel-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0375507914
• 📘 Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake (referenced in discussion of humans as ecologies, not individuals)
◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Entangled-Life-Fungi-Worlds-Futures/dp/0525510311
• 🔬 Memory Reconsolidation Research (the neuroscience of updating emotional memories)
◦ Springer: How Memory Reconsolidation Advances Psychotherapy: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z
◦ NIH: Reconsolidation Therapies for PTSD (Systematic Review): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8417130/

Connect
Learn more about secure parenting:
https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:
• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child:
https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load.
From the blueberries text that changed everything to a card system now translated into 27 languages, Eve shares why fairness in the home isn't just a relationship issue — it's a systemic one.
This is a must-listen for anyone who has ever thought, "Why am I the only one who notices what needs to be done?"
Key Takeaways
The mental load gap is not personal — it's structural. Women shoulder two-thirds or more of unpaid domestic labor, and even the best-intentioned partners do 5–15 hours less per week once kids arrive.
Over-functioning is a symptom of broken accountability and trust, not a personality flaw.
The CPE model (Conception → Planning → Execution) explains why "going to the store" is only one-third of the work — and why standards aren't "too high" when you own the full task.
Toxic time messages ("I should just do it myself," "I don't have bandwidth to teach him") keep women stuck in the cycle.
The Fair Play system works for neurodivergent families too — because it's a system, not a reliance on internal motivation.
The magic of parenting lives in the mundane moments. Sharing the load invites your partner into those moments — it's a gift, not a punishment.
Fairness requires fighting — against cultural norms, school systems, extended family patterns, and the pay gap. Becoming a "cultural warrior" together is the goal.

About the Guest
Eve Rodsky is a Harvard-trained lawyer, organizational management expert, and NYT bestselling author of Fair Play. After sobbing on the side of the road over a text from her husband about blueberries, she spent 15 years researching the gendered division of labor across 27+ countries. Her work has evolved into a full movement, a nonprofit policy institute, and a card deck used by couples worldwide.
🌐 Website: https://www.everodsky.com
📘 Fair Play Life: https://www.fairplaylife.com
📸 Instagram (Eve): https://www.instagram.com/everodsky/
📸 Instagram (Fair Play): https://www.instagram.com/fairplaylife/
🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute: https://fairplaypolicy.org

Resources Mentioned
📖 Fair Play (book) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon
🃏 The Fair Play Deck (card deck) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon | Penguin Random House
🆓 Free Fair Play Resources (nonprofit downloads) — https://www.fairplaylife.com
🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute (systemic advocacy work) — https://fairplaypolicy.org
🎓 Darby Saxbe, PhD — USC Professor of Psychology, Fair Play research collaborator — USC Profile
📊 USC/Fair Play Policy Institute Study (2024): The Fair Play Method: Can We Solve for the Unequal Division of Domestic Labor? — Read the research
👩‍⚕️ Tovah Klein, PhD — Director, Barnard College Center for Toddler Development (quoted: "all bonding comes in the spaces in between") — Barnard Profile
🎬 Fair Play Documentary (dir. Jennifer Siebel Newsom, Hello Sunshine) — https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Sasha Hamdani to unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Together they explore the neuroscience behind why some of us feel rejection so intensely — and why that sensitivity might actually be a gift. Dr. Hamdani also shares personal stories and practical tools from her upcoming book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply.
Key Takeaways
RSD is not a personality flaw — it's a neurological response rooted in how your brain is wired, involving amygdala hyperactivity, dopamine dysregulation, and weaker prefrontal override.
Sensitivity has roots in multiple places: genetics, attachment history, identity-based rejection (racism, homophobia, misogyny), and hormonal fluctuations all play a role.
Emotional sensitivity ≠ weakness. When paired with the right tools, it becomes emotional intelligence — a true superpower in relationships and caregiving.
Your body tells you what you're feeling before your brain catches up. Learning where RSD lands in your body (chest, stomach, head) is the critical first step.
Movement is a powerful acute tool for interrupting RSD spirals — it pushes oxygenated glucose to the frontal lobe to help override the emotional response.
Attachment styles shape how we cope with RSD: some people cling, some flee — both are adaptations, not character defects.
Making more noise about RSD matters — it's not yet a formal DSM diagnosis, but clinical advocates like Dr. Hamdani are working to change that.

About the Guest
Dr. Sasha Hamdani, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD clinical expert specializing in RSD and emotional regulation. She reaches over 2 million followers across social media with evidence-backed mental health content, and has been recognized by Harvard as a public health leader. She is the creator of the FocusGenie ADHD management app and the author of Self-Care for People with ADHD (2023). Her groundbreaking new book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply, publishes August 25, 2026.
🌐 Website: drhamdanimd.com
📸 Instagram: @thepsychdoctormd
🎵 TikTok: @thepsychdoctormd
▶️ YouTube: @thepsychdoctormd

Resources Mentioned
📖 Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply by Dr. Sasha Hamdani MD — Pre-order on Amazon (Pub. August 25, 2026)
📱 FocusGenie App — Dr. Hamdani's ADHD management app (the first created by a board-certified psychiatrist)
🧠 What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? — Cleveland Clinic — Overview of RSD, its link to ADHD, and what's happening in the brain
📄 RSD & ADHD Emotional Dysregulation — ADDitude Magazine — Deep dive into RSD as a symptom of ADHD
🏥 Dr. Hamdani's Practice — Book an appointment or learn more

Connect
Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else.
Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection.
Key Takeaways
Heart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too.
Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel.
Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal.
Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood.
The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly.
Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them.
The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential.
Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old.
Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after.

About the Guest
Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work.
🌐 Website: parenting-mindfully.com
📘 Book: Seeds of Self-Trust — 25 read-aloud stories for ages 4–8 (also deeply resonant for adults)
📺 YouTube: Parenting Mindfully with Dr. Naaila Hudani
📸 Instagram: @drnaaila_parentingmindfully

Resources Mentioned
📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics
🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu
👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile
📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon
🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — Amazon

Connect with Eli
🌐 Website: attachmentnerd.com
📸 Instagram: @attachmentnerd
🎵 TikTok: @attachmentnerd

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) unpacks one of the most misunderstood intersections in modern parenting: raising a neurodivergent child while trying to break generational cycles. With personal stories from parenting her own AuDHD daughter, Eli walks through the full sensory landscape — including the three "hidden" senses — and explains how to adapt secure attachment practices to meet your neurodiverse child where they actually are.
Key Takeaways
Neurodivergent kids experience the world through a different sensory prism — not just the classic 5 senses, but also neuroception, interoception, and proprioception. Understanding which senses your child is over- or under-sensitive to changes everything about how you approach their meltdowns.
Empathy that works for neurotypical kids can amplify distress in neurodivergent kids. When a neurodivergent child is already flooded across multiple sensory systems, offering big gooey empathy can escalate — not soothe — their dysregulation.
Accommodation is not permissive parenting. Adjusting your child's environment to match their nervous system's needs is scaffolding, not weakness. The goal is gradual growth at the stage they can handle it.
Believe them. If your child says the lights are too bright, the smell is too strong, or the touch is too much — believe them. Their nervous system is telling the truth, even if it doesn't match your experience.
Community is a survival tool. Parenting a neurodivergent child requires more regulation, more support, and more stamina than neurotypical parenting — and you cannot generate that alone.
Secure attachment with a neurodivergent child looks different. A child running to their cozy corner instead of into your arms is not rejecting you — it's their nervous system seeking the regulation it needs. Your job is to follow slowly and ask what they need.

Resources Mentioned
🔗 Big Little Feelings (Kristin Gallant) — "Believe them" — https://biglittlefeelings.com
🔗 AuDHD: Understanding Autism + ADHD Co-Occurrence — Child Mind Institute explainer: https://childmind.org/article/what-is-audhd/
🔗 Interoception & Sensory Processing Challenges — Understood.org: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/interoception-and-sensory-processing-challenges
🔗 The 8 Senses Explained for Neurodivergent Kids — Neurodivergent Insights: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/8-senses/
🔗 Weighted Stuffed Animals for Autism & Sensory Regulation — Autism Parenting Magazine: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-and-stuffed-animals/
🔗 Secure Parenting Program (includes monthly Neurodivergent Support Group): https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/