Compassion in a T-Shirt

Most of us think good listening means staying quiet. But great listeners do something else as well—they ask better questions.
When someone is struggling, it's natural to want to offer advice, share our own experience, or tell them what we think they should do. But what if, instead of giving another answer, we asked another question?
In this episode, I explore one of the most powerful listening skills I know: Ask, Don't Tell. Drawing on compassion, motivational interviewing, and over 25 years of clinical psychology, I'll show you how turning advice into thoughtful questions can help people discover their own wisdom, strengthen relationships, and create deeper, more meaningful conversations.
You'll also learn a practical framework of eight different question types—from opening and exploring questions through to strength, possibility and commitment questions—that you can start using immediately in everyday life, whether you're a parent, partner, friend, leader, coach, therapist or simply someone who wants to listen more compassionately.
If you've ever wondered how to become a better listener, it might start with asking better questions.
Timestamps:
00:00 A childhood question I never forgot
00:50 Why good questions matter so much
01:30 Ask, don't tell: a simple listening shift
02:28 Turning advice into thoughtful questions
03:22 The motivational interviewing mindset
04:19 Open versus closed questions
05:34 Eight question types for better listening
05:52 Opening, exploring and clarifying questions
06:47 Perspective and balancing questions
07:27 Strength, possibility and commitment questions
08:51 Avoiding advice disguised as questions
09:36 The quiet power of curiosity
Links:
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
Say hi on social:
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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/pCJN49ez_Mw

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video hashtags:
listening, listeningskills, communicationskills, motivationalinterviewing, compassion, psychology

The more I tried to help, the less effective I sometimes became.
It sounds backwards, but years ago I discovered that the harder I pushed with advice, solutions, or persuasion, the more resistance I often encountered. That experience led me to one of the most important lessons I've learned as a psychologist: sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is stop trying to fix and start trying to understand.
In this episode, I explore why our urge to fix is usually well-intentioned, but can sometimes get in the way of genuinely helping. Drawing on Compassion Focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, and three fascinating psychological theories—Self-Perception Theory, Psychological Reactance, and Self-Determination Theory—we look at why people are often more likely to discover their own answers than adopt ours.
You'll also learn practical ways to become a more compassionate listener by replacing advice with curiosity, reflection, and thoughtful questions that help others find their own way forward.
If you've ever found yourself wanting to solve someone else's problems (or wishing someone would simply listen to yours!) I hope this episode gives you a different way of thinking about what it means to help.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Have you ever experienced a conversation where being listened to was more helpful than receiving advice?
Timestamps:
00:00 Why Trying to Fix Fails
01:14 The Urge to Fix
02:57 Compassion Means Understanding
03:22 Why Advice Needs Understanding
04:07 How Talking Creates Clarity
05:15 Why We Resist Advice 07:21
Why Autonomy Drives Change
08:23 Listening Is Real Help
09:13 Three Ways to Listen Better
11:02 Listening as Compassion
12:08 A Simple Experiment This Week
12:54 Final Thoughts
Links:
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
Say hi on social:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl
Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/
Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/UT29TU1-WQY

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video hashtags:
listening, compassion, compassionfocusedtherapy, motivationalinterviewing, psychology, communication

Can we actually measure the Three Circles Model? And if we can, what does that tell us about what's happening in our brains, bodies, and emotions?
For years, the Three Circles Model has been one of the central ideas in Compassion Focused Therapy, helping therapists and clients make sense of threat, drive, and soothing. But until recently, it had never really been tested scientifically.
In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I'm joined by compassion researcher Dr Dylan Moloney-Gibb to discuss his groundbreaking research, recently published in Behaviour Research and Therapy. Together with colleagues Chase Sherwell, Sasha Lynn and James Kirby, Dylan explores whether the Three Circles Model reflects measurable changes in physiology, using heart rate variability (HRV) alongside the new digital Three Circles app.
We explore how the app works, why it may offer advantages over traditional questionnaires, and what happens to threat, drive and soothing when people move through rest, stress, recovery and compassion. We also discuss some surprising findings—including why the compassion exercise didn't produce the changes the researchers expected—and what this might mean for the future of Compassion Focused Therapy, emotion regulation research, and clinical practice.
Whether you're a therapist, researcher, student, or simply curious about compassion, neuroscience and emotion regulation, I think you'll find this a fascinating conversation.
Timestamps:
00:00 Meet Dr Dylan Moloney-Gibb
02:16 The Three Circles app
02:34 Understanding threat, drive and soothing
07:59 Why this research matters
11:21 Measuring circle dominance
14:03 Is the soothing system more than calmness?
16:45 The Triple R study design (Rest, Reactivity, Recovery)
20:30 The compassion exercise
23:04 What happened to the Three Circles?
28:53 Comparing the circles with heart rate variability (HRV)
31:34 Why balance between the circles matters
38:31 Future directions for research
42:19 What this means for therapists and the future of CFT
Links:
The Three Circle Model of Compassion Focused Therapy: An Experimental Paradigm to Assess Dynamic Psychophysiological Changes of Emotion Regulation Systems (Moloney-Gibb, Sherwell, Lynn & Kirby, 2026). Open Access at https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2026.105028
Find links to Dylan’s other papers here: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Dylan-Moloney-Gibb
Find the Three Circles App here: https://www.threecircles.io/
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
Say hi on social:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl
Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/
Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/ZklIRyBzpkY

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video hashtags:
CompassionFocusedTherapy, ThreeCirclesModel, EmotionRegulation, SelfCompassion, HeartRateVariability, HRV, Neuroscience, ClinicalPsychology, Psychotherapy, CompassionScience, MentalHealth, Psychology, PaulGilbert, DylanMoloneyGibb, StanSteindl

Most of us think listening is easy. But if we're honest, we often listen with the intention to reply, advise, fix, persuade, or tell our own story.
In this follow-up to my recent episode on listening as compassion, I explore what compassionate listening actually looks like in practice. Drawing on ideas from compassion-focused therapy, motivational interviewing, and the work of Carl Rogers, I share seven simple skills that can help us become better listeners in our everyday lives.
These aren't just communication techniques. They are ways of creating the kind of safety and understanding that help people feel heard, valued, and less alone.
In this video, you'll learn:
. Why "No Fixin'" is often the best place to start
. How to "Ask, Don't Tell”
. Why reflection is one of the most powerful listening skills
. How to listen for feelings and deeper meaning
. Why silence is often where the real conversation begins
. What it means to put your agenda down
. Why understanding someone doesn't require agreeing with them
Whether you're a therapist, coach, leader, teacher, parent, partner, or friend, these skills can help you have more compassionate and meaningful conversations.
As Carl Rogers famously said: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Perhaps something similar is true in our conversations. When people feel accepted and understood, they often find their own way forward.
I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Which of these listening skills comes most naturally to you? And which one do you find most challenging?
Timestamps:
00:00 Why Listening Is Compassion
00:50 Threat vs Curiosity
01:14 Tip 1 No Fixing
02:13 Tip 2 Ask Dont Tell
04:02 Tip 3 If In Doubt Reflect
05:08 Tip 4 Feelings and Meaning
07:20 Tip 5 Make Friends With Silence
08:16 Tip 6 Put Your Agenda Down
09:10 Tip 7 Understand Without Agreeing
10:15 Key Takeaways and Closing
Links:
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
Say hi on social:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl
Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/
Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/oWHmGIjn4FA

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video hashtags:
compassionatelistening, compassion, selfcompassion, empathy, psychology, communicationskills

After the unexpected death of a dear friend, I found myself doing what many of us do when faced with grief. I tried to stay strong. I tried to carry on. But it wasn't until I sat around a campfire with friends—sharing memories, expressing sadness, and listening to one another—that something began to shift.
That experience got me thinking about listening.
In a world increasingly shaped by social media algorithms, advertising, political polarisation, and the constant pressure to broadcast our opinions, genuine listening can feel surprisingly rare. Yet being heard remains one of the most powerful human experiences we can offer one another.
In this episode, I explore listening as an act of compassion. We journey from ancient oral traditions and Indigenous storytelling, through Socrates, Confucius, Carl Rogers, and motivational interviewing, to consider why listening helps reduce defensiveness, soften threat, create connection, and transform isolation into belonging.
Listening doesn't necessarily remove suffering. A grieving friend still grieves. A difficult situation may remain difficult. But when people feel heard, something important happens. We feel less alone. We feel understood. And sometimes, that's where healing begins.
Timestamps:
00:00 Grief and the urge to hide
00:39 Healing through being heard
01:39 Listening as the core skill
02:07 A world that rewards noise
03:08 Listening across history
05:20 From waiting to real listening
05:56 Carl Rogers and empathy
07:20 Compassion begins with listening
08:19 How being heard changes us
09:57 Listening as a bridge in conflict
11:00 Motivational interviewing basics
11:40 What compassionate listening sounds like
12:35 Why listening matters now
13:28 The gift of listening
Links:
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
Say hi on social:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl
Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/
Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/5dQZymv8lp8

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!
Video hashtags:
listening, compassion, empathy, psychology, communication, relationships, mentalhealth, wellbeing, connection, selfcompassion