Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob challenges the common belief that the addiction part of a person is separate and therefore able to be dealt with and removed altogether. Rather, the addict part of you is part of the whole you, and will always have the potential to act out again. As a result, there is danger in declaring that you will never act out again. So what can recovering addicts do instead? Dr. Rob highlights reasonable expectations of both partners in recovery, strategies for building trust again, and the importance of creating a solid support group for both partners after betrayal. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] There are two separate parts of me, right? Wrong. 

[4:00] If I lie again am I not really in recovery? 

[5:45] The value of attending 12-Step meetings long after recovery begins. 

[8:07] Common pitfalls in the years after recovery. 

[10:09] The importance of building social support relationships. 

[11:46] Treatment doesn’t actually fix anyone. 

[13:36] Will my spouse ever do this to me again? 

[18:03] Strategies for building trust after betrayal. 

[22:00] Spouses have work to do as well. 

[27:07] Will we ever be happy together again? 

[32:00] Addicts need to work every day on being the best people they can be.

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“Your capability to do negative things doesn’t go away because you keep your addiction in check. It’s who you are.” 

“Recovering addicts who are fearful and worried about slipping up have a realistic sense of what they’re facing when they go out in the world.” 

“Treatment doesn’t ‘fix’ anyone. It just gives you a chance for remission.” 

“You can only build trust with what you are doing, not with what you are saying.” 

“Addicts need to work every day on being the best people they can be.”

Dr. Jessica Lamar and Dr. Rob continue their discussion about the impact of AI on human relationships, whether AI relationships count as betrayal, and the narcissistic truths of forming a relationship with an algorithm that disguises as the perfect partner who has no expectations of you. Cutting edge technology brings with it cutting edge dangers to human relationships, and Dr. Lamar has answers to the questions that many of us don’t yet know to ask. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] The benefits of confessing all feelings to an AI companion. 

[2:58] Is an AI relationship narcissistic? 

[6:44] Does an AI relationship count as betrayal? 

[12:50] Relationships with AI, in their eyes, are relationships. 

[14:33] Key differences between men and women. 

[18:35] Bonding with an AI soulmate. 

[21:50] Guardrails for AI boundaries and sex. 

[25:40] Major concerns in this cutting edge realm. 

[34:33] The human aspect of therapy that AI can’t compete with. 

[37:10] An alarming look at the future of human relationships and AI. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Dr. Jessica Lamar

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“With an AI companion, you’re not giving anything. You’re just taking and taking.” 

“Consider AI through the lens that it is pulling you away from human relationships.” 

“The harm on human relationships is real because the expectations have gotten so high.” 

“We expect more from technology and less from each other.”

Dr. Jessica Lamar and Dr. Rob explore the possibilities that AI has introduced in the world of companionship and intimacy, from validation and empathy to betrayal and romantic feelings with an algorithm. They consider the imporance of being digitally aware, the danger of artificial intimacy, and future expectations from human relationships as a result of what AI companions are programmed to offer. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:21] The impact of AI technology on today’s relationships. 

[4:20] Alarming references and attachments to AI. 

[5:04] The basics of AI algorithm offerings. 

[8:22] Intimacy apps are designed for companionship.

[12:20] Are AI companionships actually relationships? 

[15:15] Betrayed partners possible response to AI companions. 

[19:02] Isn’t artificial intimacy an oxymoron? 

[21:17] The danger of immediate validation and empathy from AI. 

[25:30] Benefits of AI conversation frameworks. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Dr. Jessica Lamar

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“AI companion apps are designed to simulate empathy and compassion.” 

“There is an element of these apps that is helpful, and there is the part that feels scary.” 

“A betrayed companion may feel that they can never live up to an AI companion because it isn’t even real.” 

“Compassion and validation 100% of the time is not the reality of human relationships.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week’s episode and the reasoning behind someone who can’t seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can’t stop lying.

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex?

[3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build trust again, but she just doesn’t believe me. What can I do?

[9:20] You have to want recovery because you’ll be doing it for a long time.

[12:10] Does it make sense to have a marital absence if my partner has a porn addiction?

[15:30] If you don’t feel safe with someone and if you don’t trust them, don’t have sex with them!

[17:10] My husband lies about his recovery. He’s not doing the work!

[22:45] Is your partner a lost cause? Dr. Rob can help.

[23:00] I think he’s a compulsive liar. Is this connected to his addiction?

 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Tara Beall-Gomes and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about next-level gaslighting, including red flag behaviors in therapy, role-playing dialogues that highlight gaslighting language, and the role that a therapist can play in finding closure after years of betrayal. Tara also offers encouragement to a partner that is working to regain their spouses trust, and resources for anyone who is unable to pay for extensive therapy. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:25] Now he’s gaslighting our therapist? 

[3:48] Is gaslighting abusive? 

[5:27] Role-play examples of gaslighting, projecting, and controlling. 

[10:58] Shame and empathy with rigorous honesty. 

[15:43] “I knew all along.” Now what? 

[21:37] I can’t believe anything my spouse says. 

[25:25] Identifying the core values that drive our reactions. 

[32:55] The role of your therapist in finding closure. 

[34:50] Red flags in therapy behavior. 

[38:52] Next steps when an addict has support and you don’t.

[43:31] How can a partner ever trust again? 

[46:15] Encouragement and free resources. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Tara Beall-Gomes

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“Gaslighting is relational and strategic, while lying is an isolated behavior.” 

“Closure is incredibly important in about to find peace, but it doesn’t have to mean agreement.” 

“You can’t derail your own trauma work and recovery when dealing with your partner.” 

“If you want to trust again, you have to trust yourself first.” 

“You are enough, and you can do this.”