Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week’s episode and the reasoning behind someone who can’t seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can’t stop lying.

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex?

[3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build trust again, but she just doesn’t believe me. What can I do?

[9:20] You have to want recovery because you’ll be doing it for a long time.

[12:10] Does it make sense to have a marital absence if my partner has a porn addiction?

[15:30] If you don’t feel safe with someone and if you don’t trust them, don’t have sex with them!

[17:10] My husband lies about his recovery. He’s not doing the work!

[22:45] Is your partner a lost cause? Dr. Rob can help.

[23:00] I think he’s a compulsive liar. Is this connected to his addiction?

 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Tara Beall-Gomes and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about next-level gaslighting, including red flag behaviors in therapy, role-playing dialogues that highlight gaslighting language, and the role that a therapist can play in finding closure after years of betrayal. Tara also offers encouragement to a partner that is working to regain their spouses trust, and resources for anyone who is unable to pay for extensive therapy. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:25] Now he’s gaslighting our therapist? 

[3:48] Is gaslighting abusive? 

[5:27] Role-play examples of gaslighting, projecting, and controlling. 

[10:58] Shame and empathy with rigorous honesty. 

[15:43] “I knew all along.” Now what? 

[21:37] I can’t believe anything my spouse says. 

[25:25] Identifying the core values that drive our reactions. 

[32:55] The role of your therapist in finding closure. 

[34:50] Red flags in therapy behavior. 

[38:52] Next steps when an addict has support and you don’t.

[43:31] How can a partner ever trust again? 

[46:15] Encouragement and free resources. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Tara Beall-Gomes

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“Gaslighting is relational and strategic, while lying is an isolated behavior.” 

“Closure is incredibly important in about to find peace, but it doesn’t have to mean agreement.” 

“You can’t derail your own trauma work and recovery when dealing with your partner.” 

“If you want to trust again, you have to trust yourself first.” 

“You are enough, and you can do this.”

Tara Beall-Gomes is a certified CT and FL therapist who founded Grit and Grace Recovery, which focuses on betrayal trauma, sex, and porn addiction. Together with Dr. Rob she highlights key differences between simple lies and manipulative gaslighting tactics, the impact that gaslighting has on a partnership, and the importance of empowering a gaslit partner after years of not knowing whether they can trust themselves. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[4:11] What is gaslighting from a therapist's perspective? 

[6:13] Gaslighting affects more than your partnership.

[7:44] Patterns in gaslighting, and why they appear. 

[12:35] Simple lies or real gaslighting tactics? 

[15:01] Common couples gaslighting patterns in Tara’s office. 

[20:31] Empowering a gaslit partner. 

[23:04] Defining the ‘victim’ and the ‘problem’. 

[26:33] Learning to trust your gut. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Tara Beall-Gomes

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“Once we understand what something means, we can understand how we can change those behaviors in order to be construction instead of destructive.” 

“Chances are, your gaslighting tactics are not just being used in your coupleship, but other areas of your life too.” 

“Staying in the victim role is not going to contribute to optimal healing.”

Sarah Morales and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the progression of gaslighting. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting always happens slowly and stages, and ultimately results in the inability to trust one’s self. In this discussion, Sarah offers tactics for awareness, identification and healing from gaslighting at every stage. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:20] The progression of gaslighting. 

[4:18] “Let me check in with myself.” 

[6:27] What percentage of your childhood included gaslightling? 

[9:17] The end result of gaslighting happens a little bit at a time. 

[10:32] 7 techniques that fall under the gaslighting umbrella.

[13:08] Levels of awareness and motives behind gaslighting. 

[24:28] Passive aggressive behavior and other gaslighting roles.

[27:55] Determining the frequency of gaslighting. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Sarah Morales

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“An inability to trust one’s self is the most significant thing that happens with gaslighting.” 

“Gaslightling is not what happened, it’s how many things happened.” 

“The easiest and fastest way to recognize gaslighting is through the roles we play.”

Sarah Morales is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach and gaslighting specialist who also sits on the board of APSATS – the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists. Together with Dr. Rob she deconstructs the stages of gaslighting, explains the differences between gaslighting, manipulation and guilt, and addresses common emotions and doubts that partners have when they are being gaslit. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:19] The motivation behind Sarah’s work with gaslighting. 

[5:42] What are common gaslighting patterns? 

[8:00] Differentiating between manipulation, guilt, and gaslighting. 

[10:51] Flowcharts to breakdown gaslighting. 

[12:37] Stages of progressive and chronic gaslighting. 

[17:35] Cognitive dissonance at higher levels of gaslighting. 

[19:41] Do gaslighters know what they are doing? 

[23:33] Diversion tactics and self-abandonment. 

[28:40] Maybe my gaslighter is actually right about me? 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Sarah Morales

 

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES:

“Gaslighting undermines partners who are asking for what they need in order to feel safe in a relationship.” 

“Gaslighting only works when it happens from a person that we’re supposed to be able to trust.” 

“Eventually I no longer see myself through my own eyes, I only see myself through my gaslighter’s eyes.”